James 3:15-18

But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth.

15

Wisdom of this kind does not come down from above but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic.

16

For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every foul practice.

17

But the wisdom from above is first of all pure, then peaceable, gentle, compliant, full of mercy and good fruits, without inconstancy or insincerity.

18

And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace for those who cultivate peace.

I came home from church tonight and I was thinking about my attitude, my heart during our gathering tonight, and while it was not always like v.15 above, too much of the time it was like that.  I think God put this verse in my head to make me realize again how it is not pleasing to Him.  I really need help, God.  I can't do it on my own.  I can't do anything, much less any good, without You.  

It's so hard sometimes.  I don't know why these feelings come up about church.  It could be things are unhealthy, or it's spiritual attack, or both.  It could be that this is bound to happen in any group of people I adhere to for a time.  I will feel some bitterness, some jealousy, and I will have some selfish ambition....but it's not what I want even though it's what I have.  

I want to have pure, peaceable, gentle, compliant (well, actually, I'm so stubborn and independent minded I don't want to be compliant right now), but I definitely want to be merciful.  I also don't want to be insincere....but it's hard when I know these feelings/thoughts are so wrong.  It'd be easy to be sincere if I had a good heart.  Hmmm....

I just don't know.  I've been thinking of other churches with such admiration, but I know at the end of the day all churches are made of people and we are all sinners.  We will always disappoint one another sometimes.  We will always strain with each other sometimes.  It's not that I don't love my church, I guess I just have these things come up in my spirit that I just don't know how to deal with between other people and myself.  It doesn't feel like a "safe place" for me to be myself.  And by that I don't mean tell all about my crap, but I do mean even just feel like I am understood and respected.  I especially need to know that my contribution means something (selfish ambition perhaps...or not?).  It is so hard to know sometimes.  I love my church (there are many good things about it and the people it's made from), and yet I struggle to love it.  The problem may be that I question if I should be somewhere else.  I guess if you're reading this right now, pray for me in this respect.  Thank you.  I do feel better just writing this.