Every new beginning is part of some other beginning's end

Hmmm...so tonight I feel kind of angsty/emotional.  My doubts have doubts.  My anxieties are anxious.  My stubbornness feels stubborn.

Haha. :0)

Well, it is kind of the beginning of a new chapter as 3 lovely ladies (all good friends of my husband and me) moved downstairs in the duplex.  I have never lived in a community house and so far I am enjoying it but I'm also seeing how it can be stressful and a little iffy on boundaries.  We will have a meeting to talk about all such things but at this time they are still unpacking and we're busy people.  All in all, it's really a blessing and I'm looking forward to all the good times to come which I believe will proportionally increase by the number of friends living "together" (we are still separated but the stairwell is open between us and we share a yard, etc, not too mention we're just all friends!).

So as a new chapter opens, another closes; that being my time as a preschool teacher at a preschool which shall remain nameless (to protect myself as well as those I was working with/for).  Haha.  Yes, I never wrote about it here but trust me that I have stories.  I was tempted to blabber about some of the very terrible mishaps as well as just about the kids (who are always more charming than adults it seems).   One more recent episode I shall have to recount:  this lady who is quite possibly closing in on 80 and probably has a weak case of alzheimers (I am not joking) told me, after I was giving a suggestion on how to deal with a behavior problem, very loudly (yelling): "Mind your own bizwax!"   Yes, bizwax.  The children all thought this was the most hilarious word known to them from their birth to this point in their short lives and erupted into laughter.  I was so thankful for that laughter because it completely diffused the tension and the little old lady firecracker who had spat it out.  She walked away muttering, "What?  You've really never heard that before?"
The children repeated it over and over again for the next half hour.  It was actually quite comical.  So glad for children and laughter.

On a much more positive spin I had my last day this week working there regularly.  I may come back to substitute every now and then, we'll see how it goes.  I am thankful that they valued me as an employee anyway.  So, on my last day I gave the children all little white puzzles that they could draw on/color on and make into their own puzzle and a couple of darling stickers (one cartoonish owls and one realistic butterflies). I loved giving to them and they all seemed to love it too.

AND, I had favorites (those teachers who say they don't are complete and utter liars!). :0)

I will miss these children the most of all:
Anya:  Little Trinidadian American girl, 6 and a half.  She was tad on the chubby side but not too much.  She really stood out to me because of her spirit and spunk.  She was almost always one of the first ones to raise her hand to answer a question/volunteer.  Also, I don't think she ever forgot to say please.  That stands out.  She was a bit overpowering to others, really, but such a fun girl.  I know she will have to learn to control her loudness/temper (occasionally) but she will and then she will be so lovely (as she already is).  Just a fun girl.

Lily Belle:  A lot like Anya in some ways - very stubborn/assertive.  She was five (golden age).  She had light brown hair and blue eyes and was just a little beauty but in girl rugby player type way (I don't know if that makes sense, but, lol).  She was feisty and sweet at the same time.  I remember when she got dressed up to go with her grandma to see the play "Annie" -- at the time she just knew she was going somewhere special and it was some kind of party probably.  I helped her get dressed (supervising) and she picked out the flounciest ballerina type orange skirt. Then I got to put a little jeweled bobby pin in her hair.  Priceless.  When she came back she said she was in the play.  Silly girl.

Ashrith:  The cutest little Indian American boy.  Probably not more than three and a half.  He had an older sister who is four and a half.  The best thing about Ashrith is that a lot of days when I came in he would shout, "Kimberly!" in his adorable accent and then come give me a little hug half way on my leg.  Ha.  Once he got over his shyness, he was very eager to participate.  It was pretty cool to see the transformation that occurred while I was there in regard to him being around his sister.  His sister is much more reserved than he is but when I was first there he would follow his sister around like her shadow.  He would practically cry if she left his side.  We encouraged him to sit apart from his sister but it was very, very hard for him.  However, by the time that I left (a couple of months really) he was fine playing with other kids (mainly the older boys) and doing everything apart from his sister.  I was so glad for him!

Grey Day

      -Sigh-  Today is one of those days where I feel the lack of Heaven.  Yes, I prayed today, "They Kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven."  However, the glories of Heaven and the Kingdom are apparently absent.  I don't say this in an uber depressed tone.  Don't misunderstand; overall this day has been one worth keeping.  I even got to see a dear friend and that was valuable.  It's not even the weather.  I don't mind the clouds and rain.  I even cherish the new life and the strong scents that storms bring.  It's just that there is something in me that knows this life is not how it's supposed to be.

     I even wrote in my journal the other day:  "Do we get to the point where we learn 'not too expect too much?' What does God think of this?  He thinks we need to learn to expect more I venture."

    There is a sort of resignation that occurs as one becomes older and sometimes it okay I suppose, but other times I think it just makes people drones, simply doing just enough and being in survival mode or at least what is comfort mode (which is more dangerous because then people have the illusion that they are satisfied but they really aren't living life, they are just being spoon-fed).  At least those in survival mode see that things are not as they should be more often.  Hmmm....I think C.S. Lewis said it rather well when he said this,  

If we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the gospels, it would seem that our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling around with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us,like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in the slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by an offer of a holiday at sea. We are far to easily pleased.

I shall plant thee like a garden

I wrote a song with that in the chorus (there isn't really a "chorus" in it so much but I'll call it that).  It kind of just came to me as I was doing some little bits out in the garden area, just watering it and such before we left last weekend to go to Chris' parents cabin for memorial day weekend.  This song actually sticks in my head like peanut butter sticks to your mouth.

Here are the lyrics.  It's kind of a call and response with a lilt to it in the first part.  The second part has more of a flowing feel, almost like a cascading waterfall.

I shall plant thee (I shall plant thee)
Like a garden (like a garden)
I shall plant thee (I shall plant thee)
Like a garden (like a garden)

And if you need some loving care
Just call my name and I'll be right there
Watering and weeding you
Cultivating love with each new dew

Anyway, as I was singing this more I realized that I have been neglecting my garden (busyness with other things).  I am not very good at giving it "loving care" - haha.  However, it got me thinking about how often I sing things in worship songs that are ideals of what I should live by and I am often hypocritical.  I feel like I should live each word I sing - or at least be able to vehemently agree with it.  Sometimes that is so hard.  I know, however, that God has grace for me.  Last night was fantastic at Jesus Kitchen because I prayed for peace and there really was a tangible peace and life from the Spirit there.  I also got to play a lot of music there and just saturate the space with those truths and ideas.  I am thankful for music as a way to worship God in many ways - even as my own songwriting convicts me and awakens me.

Stories

I just wanted to put up the lyrics to a song I wrote last week.  I am sure I will tweak it a bit, but for the most part it is intact.


"STORIES"


v.1
Oh I don't know
If I can make you grow
But I can tell you 
So many stories


There are many things
That aren't as they seem
And much
That lies underneath


Chorus:
Life is not life
Until you've live inside 
Stories
Life is not life
Until you've take off your eyes
And seen


v.2
Will you come with me
And dare to believe
And in believing see

In believing see
More than we have dreamed
A reality beyond our belief


Repeat Chorus
End with tag: A reality beyond belief/Richer than the blood you bleed?


Anyway, there it is.
I need to get going but I feel like this song is going to be really solid when I get the fine-tuning done.  It's more than about just "stories" if you hadn't guessed already.  It's also about the GREATER story.  Any thoughts?  Ideas?  Comments?  Let me know.  I'd love to be able to post a recording but right now I can't do that.
If I see you in person I'd love to sing and play it for you.

Tis the Gift to be Simple

Recently, I've been getting seemingly random songs stuck in my head.  Songs I haven't heard for years, on the radio or otherwise.  So, this morning it was "Tis the Gift to be Simple".  I remember learning this song in elementary school.  I had a good music teacher - she taught us all kinds of folk music.  So, I think I know why I got this song stuck in my head.  It is lent and I am fasting from facebook (which has been great).  I've also been reading through Common Prayer: A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals which has been really drawing me closer to the Lord and his Word.  It's wonderful to have something that makes me read the Bible in sequence and yet do more than that.  I don't feel like it is something I'm just doing to do.  I actually want to do it.

Anyhow, I am just grateful that God can speak to me through music.  I needed to remember this song and sing this song because I'd been really wanting to move (even though there is nothing wrong with where we live) and I'd just so happened to find a comparable place to ours on Craig's list yesterday.  It is also a mere three blocks away, sounds nicer to me, and I have been very tempted to look at it.  Last night, our friend from small group prayed for us that we would find joy where we are at now (still having wisdom and direction for the future but really, truly finding joy in our every day).  I think that was right on.  I do enjoy my life.  Some days are so packed with outrageous joy and meaning that I don't even have a single thought to do something like look on facebook or lust after a new kind of possession or achievement.  Yet, I also often am looking forward to the future, with hope as well as anxiety, but still, I need to take joy in this day.

Here is the music, by Joseph Brackett:

G	D7	G
'Tis the	gift to be simple, 'tis a gift	to be	free

	D	A7	D	D7
'Tis the	gift to	come down	where we ought to	be

	G	D	G	D7	G
And w	hen we find ourselves	in the	place	just	right

	C6	D7	C	G
'Twill	be in the va	lley of l	ove and de	light

	D	G
When true	simpl	icity is gained

	A7	D7
To bow and to bend we	shan't be a	shamed

	G	D	G
To	turn, to turn	will	be our delight

	Am	D7	G	C	G
Till by	turning,	turning we	come r	ound right

Catharsis

Definition of CATHARSIS

1

: purgation

2

a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through artb : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension

The above is from the Merriam-Webster's.

I was just experiencing such catharsis.  I am so grateful for the gift of music and specifically through the means of expressing through the ukulele.  I feel rather dry as I write this now, the back-analysis if you will, but I was playing it so purely and so beautifully just minutes ago.  

Then I was also thinking about how I haven't blogged/written creatively much lately and how I've had many thoughts that were worth writing down but haven't given the time to do it or felt the impulse to move myself toward that aim.  

It is not as important to me as it once was, although I still will be a writer and feel the need (or the need to serve the gift) and write at different times.  Yet, there is something expressed through music and something "achieved" even (although that seems an odd word to use) that cannot be done through my writing.  Different parts of me are expressed and given life and voice through music that are not in writing.  I am glad for both.  

I was reading earlier on a facebook page about "Snowman the Soulman" - a friend's fiance of mine actually - who is a saxophonist - and he said that he's called the "soulman" because people have said they can hear his soul through his playing.  I want that to be true for me.  It is one thing to play music, to play a song; it is one thing to even write words, write a story or a poem or an essay; and it is another entirely to allow it to flow - to carry you as it were as you are expressed through it and yet hidden within it as though in a beautiful cloak (a cloak that is made as you weave your story or song).  The cloak that hides and yet reveals an utter beauty. So many metaphors mixed I know, but it's what I am feeling right now and it's what is true even if it's hard to say it in a concrete fashion.  

Life is good...

I don't know why I'm posting other than it's been a long time and my last post was kind of depressing/desperate and I want to report that I am doing much better and God is very good and I'm realizing that more and more and my innate need for all things HIM.

Church is going much better.  I talked to a lovely lady from there about such things and it really helped me put things in perspective.  The last few weeks have been really good just because I think I've let go of some things and also opened myself up more to the Holy Spirit working in me.  I think I might quit playing music with the worship music team, but I haven't decided yet.  As much as I love doing it and I am sometimes very blessed to do it, I think God may want to take me a different direction with those talents and have me "relax" more at church and receive more.  I just played a couple of songs at an Alpha course yesterday for the transition time and although I was very shy about doing it I think it went well overall.  I really do like sharing music with people.  Zoo Animal has inspired me a lot (if you haven't heard of them or any of their music, definitely go to http://www.myspace.com/zooanimalsound
I and a few friends went to a show of those the other week and it was great.  Most of all, the frontwoman, Holly Newsom, is wonderfully real in her lyrics which happen to talk about God and life and it inspires me.  Their music and the energy behind it is just terrific too.  Yeah.
Chris and I also got to talk with a couple from church about some things in our marriage and it was really good.  I am so glad we have people we can go deeper with and trust about the heavy things.  I am also really glad for the wisdom they have to give and the experiences they have to share with us that makes us feel like we're not freaks but just people with strengths and weaknesses and inevitably in need of God's grace (like everyone).

I don't know what else to say.  There are so many things I've blessed with lately and I'm grateful for them all.  Volunteering at preschools where kids are so sweet and endearing, parents who are fun to hang out with, a husband who is my best friend, friends who grow better each day, etc. I do know that  I've got to get out into the sunshine but here's a little something I wrote last week.  It's not great, but it's something.   I want to post more poetry but I've been writing songs mostly lately which don't translate as well on a soundless page :0).  Anyway:

Sipping weak coffee
Listening to a man with an African accent get upset at a couple of young adults in a special education program


My life
Strange images, sounds, sensations


But an opportunity,
To breathe, to think, to ponder, to marvel, to analyze


Lives of others 
With mine diverging and colliding quickly, quietly
Disconnected, yet touching