Tis the Gift to be Simple

Recently, I've been getting seemingly random songs stuck in my head.  Songs I haven't heard for years, on the radio or otherwise.  So, this morning it was "Tis the Gift to be Simple".  I remember learning this song in elementary school.  I had a good music teacher - she taught us all kinds of folk music.  So, I think I know why I got this song stuck in my head.  It is lent and I am fasting from facebook (which has been great).  I've also been reading through Common Prayer: A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals which has been really drawing me closer to the Lord and his Word.  It's wonderful to have something that makes me read the Bible in sequence and yet do more than that.  I don't feel like it is something I'm just doing to do.  I actually want to do it.

Anyhow, I am just grateful that God can speak to me through music.  I needed to remember this song and sing this song because I'd been really wanting to move (even though there is nothing wrong with where we live) and I'd just so happened to find a comparable place to ours on Craig's list yesterday.  It is also a mere three blocks away, sounds nicer to me, and I have been very tempted to look at it.  Last night, our friend from small group prayed for us that we would find joy where we are at now (still having wisdom and direction for the future but really, truly finding joy in our every day).  I think that was right on.  I do enjoy my life.  Some days are so packed with outrageous joy and meaning that I don't even have a single thought to do something like look on facebook or lust after a new kind of possession or achievement.  Yet, I also often am looking forward to the future, with hope as well as anxiety, but still, I need to take joy in this day.

Here is the music, by Joseph Brackett:

G	D7	G
'Tis the	gift to be simple, 'tis a gift	to be	free

	D	A7	D	D7
'Tis the	gift to	come down	where we ought to	be

	G	D	G	D7	G
And w	hen we find ourselves	in the	place	just	right

	C6	D7	C	G
'Twill	be in the va	lley of l	ove and de	light

	D	G
When true	simpl	icity is gained

	A7	D7
To bow and to bend we	shan't be a	shamed

	G	D	G
To	turn, to turn	will	be our delight

	Am	D7	G	C	G
Till by	turning,	turning we	come r	ound right

Catharsis

Definition of CATHARSIS

1

: purgation

2

a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through artb : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension

The above is from the Merriam-Webster's.

I was just experiencing such catharsis.  I am so grateful for the gift of music and specifically through the means of expressing through the ukulele.  I feel rather dry as I write this now, the back-analysis if you will, but I was playing it so purely and so beautifully just minutes ago.  

Then I was also thinking about how I haven't blogged/written creatively much lately and how I've had many thoughts that were worth writing down but haven't given the time to do it or felt the impulse to move myself toward that aim.  

It is not as important to me as it once was, although I still will be a writer and feel the need (or the need to serve the gift) and write at different times.  Yet, there is something expressed through music and something "achieved" even (although that seems an odd word to use) that cannot be done through my writing.  Different parts of me are expressed and given life and voice through music that are not in writing.  I am glad for both.  

I was reading earlier on a facebook page about "Snowman the Soulman" - a friend's fiance of mine actually - who is a saxophonist - and he said that he's called the "soulman" because people have said they can hear his soul through his playing.  I want that to be true for me.  It is one thing to play music, to play a song; it is one thing to even write words, write a story or a poem or an essay; and it is another entirely to allow it to flow - to carry you as it were as you are expressed through it and yet hidden within it as though in a beautiful cloak (a cloak that is made as you weave your story or song).  The cloak that hides and yet reveals an utter beauty. So many metaphors mixed I know, but it's what I am feeling right now and it's what is true even if it's hard to say it in a concrete fashion.  

Life is good...

I don't know why I'm posting other than it's been a long time and my last post was kind of depressing/desperate and I want to report that I am doing much better and God is very good and I'm realizing that more and more and my innate need for all things HIM.

Church is going much better.  I talked to a lovely lady from there about such things and it really helped me put things in perspective.  The last few weeks have been really good just because I think I've let go of some things and also opened myself up more to the Holy Spirit working in me.  I think I might quit playing music with the worship music team, but I haven't decided yet.  As much as I love doing it and I am sometimes very blessed to do it, I think God may want to take me a different direction with those talents and have me "relax" more at church and receive more.  I just played a couple of songs at an Alpha course yesterday for the transition time and although I was very shy about doing it I think it went well overall.  I really do like sharing music with people.  Zoo Animal has inspired me a lot (if you haven't heard of them or any of their music, definitely go to http://www.myspace.com/zooanimalsound
I and a few friends went to a show of those the other week and it was great.  Most of all, the frontwoman, Holly Newsom, is wonderfully real in her lyrics which happen to talk about God and life and it inspires me.  Their music and the energy behind it is just terrific too.  Yeah.
Chris and I also got to talk with a couple from church about some things in our marriage and it was really good.  I am so glad we have people we can go deeper with and trust about the heavy things.  I am also really glad for the wisdom they have to give and the experiences they have to share with us that makes us feel like we're not freaks but just people with strengths and weaknesses and inevitably in need of God's grace (like everyone).

I don't know what else to say.  There are so many things I've blessed with lately and I'm grateful for them all.  Volunteering at preschools where kids are so sweet and endearing, parents who are fun to hang out with, a husband who is my best friend, friends who grow better each day, etc. I do know that  I've got to get out into the sunshine but here's a little something I wrote last week.  It's not great, but it's something.   I want to post more poetry but I've been writing songs mostly lately which don't translate as well on a soundless page :0).  Anyway:

Sipping weak coffee
Listening to a man with an African accent get upset at a couple of young adults in a special education program


My life
Strange images, sounds, sensations


But an opportunity,
To breathe, to think, to ponder, to marvel, to analyze


Lives of others 
With mine diverging and colliding quickly, quietly
Disconnected, yet touching 

James 3:15-18

But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth.

15

Wisdom of this kind does not come down from above but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic.

16

For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every foul practice.

17

But the wisdom from above is first of all pure, then peaceable, gentle, compliant, full of mercy and good fruits, without inconstancy or insincerity.

18

And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace for those who cultivate peace.

I came home from church tonight and I was thinking about my attitude, my heart during our gathering tonight, and while it was not always like v.15 above, too much of the time it was like that.  I think God put this verse in my head to make me realize again how it is not pleasing to Him.  I really need help, God.  I can't do it on my own.  I can't do anything, much less any good, without You.  

It's so hard sometimes.  I don't know why these feelings come up about church.  It could be things are unhealthy, or it's spiritual attack, or both.  It could be that this is bound to happen in any group of people I adhere to for a time.  I will feel some bitterness, some jealousy, and I will have some selfish ambition....but it's not what I want even though it's what I have.  

I want to have pure, peaceable, gentle, compliant (well, actually, I'm so stubborn and independent minded I don't want to be compliant right now), but I definitely want to be merciful.  I also don't want to be insincere....but it's hard when I know these feelings/thoughts are so wrong.  It'd be easy to be sincere if I had a good heart.  Hmmm....

I just don't know.  I've been thinking of other churches with such admiration, but I know at the end of the day all churches are made of people and we are all sinners.  We will always disappoint one another sometimes.  We will always strain with each other sometimes.  It's not that I don't love my church, I guess I just have these things come up in my spirit that I just don't know how to deal with between other people and myself.  It doesn't feel like a "safe place" for me to be myself.  And by that I don't mean tell all about my crap, but I do mean even just feel like I am understood and respected.  I especially need to know that my contribution means something (selfish ambition perhaps...or not?).  It is so hard to know sometimes.  I love my church (there are many good things about it and the people it's made from), and yet I struggle to love it.  The problem may be that I question if I should be somewhere else.  I guess if you're reading this right now, pray for me in this respect.  Thank you.  I do feel better just writing this.

Thinkin' Time

With the constant distractions of life and technology sometimes it seems like my brain gets short-wired and I don't really think, I don't let my mind meander or even just experience the moment.

I went on a short walk tonight amid the hectic pace of my duties (I was baking some din-din in the oven), and lo and behold, there was a very full moon gracing the night sky.  It was beautiful and it made me feel safer as I walked along the street.  I have decided I need to intentionally get out and be active more (although I do this sometimes, lately I'd become kind of lazy).  Definitely, it is cold outside, but it's not that bad when you're moving and you're not out there forever.  After all, that's why long underwear was made.  :0)

So, as I strolled I found myself having thoughts (yes thoughts!) that I didn't even know I had.  I feel like it's so easy to sit under an umbrella of sudden feelings, sudden thoughts, and constant distraction (especially from the internet and sometimes other people) and almost never know what you yourself are truly thinking and feeling.  I was glad to get out from under that umbrella for at least 20 minutes and experience the cool winter air and gorgeous sky.

Rhythms

So, I used to have a thing for drummers.

However, I am not talking about those kind of rhythms.  ;0)

I don't know why I feel the need to start this blog out in the cheesiest possible way, but I guess it's because I am blogging on so little time and not much ambition.  (sheepish smile)

I was walking through the winter darkness to my neighbor's house to return the spare set of keys that she lent me (she is kind of our landlady's caretaker) because earlier I locked my keys in the garage.  Anyhow, something about being outside in the serenity of evening in a working-class Minneapolis neighborhood in January makes me contemplative.  Maybe it is the stillness, maybe it is the coolness of the air, or the lights in the windows of the cozy little houses, but it gathers my thoughts together and makes me just be.

I have a rather erratic schedule as a substitute teacher but I realized that I still have rhythms.  There are still things in my life that I do each day (or week, or season) to help me find my place.  Some examples: for the last few months I have been volunteering at a preschool on Tuesdays.  I also have worship music practice on Tuesday, late afternoonish/early eveningish.  On Fridays there is church in the evening, on Saturday nights is Jesus Kitchen, and on Sundays and Saturdays Chris and I always sleep in and are usually pretty free-spirited about our plans (which is kind of like our way of giving ourselves a Sabbath I guess).  ;0)  So, I guess weekly my rhythms are pretty steady.  However, even in the day to day things I find myself in patterns.  Even if I don't have much time I always eat breakfast...and I cherish what little time I do have in the morning.  Before I go to bed I usually read or journal.   I love to pray with Chris too whenever that works out (which is most nights).  Admittedly, I also usually go on Facebook when I get home from work!  I want to change this habit to something like taking a walk outside or reading from the Bible or even, "gasp" writing creatively!

Yeah.  What kind of rhythms do you have in your life?  What kind of rhythms do you want?

I also find it very interesting that everything in the natural world sustains an ebb and flow (hey, that's actually taken from wordage about water).  Water, seasons, planets, animals, people even, yes, us.  We've been created to keep rhythm.

small things with great love

I've been reading "The Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne and it's simultaneously very challenging and very inspiring.  One of the people he quotes in his book is Mother Teresa (who he "interned" with in Calcutta for a summer), she emphasizes that we do "small things with great love" rather than focusing on doing "big" things with little love.  That is something I've been thinking about and trying to practice lately.  I have found myself doing this as I just take each day as it comes (although to be real sometimes I also fail miserably).

Today I substitute taught in a school that I always brace myself for because there is bound to be chaos and lots of misbehavior.  However, I felt like today went rather well considering.  I actually got some help from a social worker who sat in a majority of the classes leading one of the reading groups.  It helped tremendously to have her there!  Also, I had a few bright points in my day where I got to share personally with the kids (middle schoolers).  I introduced myself to this general "advisory" class that is supposed to focus on study skills and the like and I actually told them I like substitute teaching because it's different every day and I like variety.  I also told them that I like sledding and had all the kids share one thing they like about winter.  All in all, it was fun to hear their responses.  Then, later, I was trying to teach a small group of girls about goal setting and I was using an example of myself and how I like to write songs and this one cute Hmong girl just lit up when I told them that. She said, "You write songs, like rap?"  I told her no, more like folk or pop rock.  She was still interested though  :0)
Later in the day, after we had read through an article and answered some questions about it I let a boy draw and he showed me the anime characters he could draw and told me how it took him a really long time to learn to draw them.  I showed him how to do some of the "mathy" drawings Vi Hart does and I gave him the web address (you should check it out - Vihart.com!) so he could learn how to draw/doodle more cool things.  It was fun to connect with kids in that way.

I've just realized, I guess, that as I come in to substitute I have to have an attitude of love because I am doing this not just to get a paycheck but help children learn and they will only want to learn if they know I love them (even if it's hard to show in just one day, I can show them somewhat by how I respond to them and my attitude overall).  It truly matters.  I only want them to learn things because I love them anyway (and I am called to love all people because God made them, and the Holy Spirit helps me do this).  Lord knows I always need his grace to do this in all areas in my life.  Life is about small things with great love, not "big" things without much love.