What does it mean to follow Jesus?

Clearing my head as I took a walk today (good for the body and the soul) in the rather mild winter weather I had some "Jesus" existential questions circling around my spirit: what am I doing?  What are my motives to what I do?  Am I following Love/Jesus?

Some events in my life have forced me to look at the grander view of things.  I see I am part of something immensely bigger than myself.  Part of this is also the fault of reading "Jesus for President" by Shane Claiborne and Chris Haw.  The last section is all about what the praxis (the practical life) side of being a Christian might look like and he suggests things like finding ways creative ways to use renewable resources, being pacifist, etc.  So these questions did not come uninitiated.  The truth is a lot of my life feels very superficial but there must be a deeper meaning behind what I'm doing or I am doing it in vain.  I simple cannot afford to live my life in a trite way.  I need to seek God with every bit of my being and that means that the questions: What am I doing and why? as well as Am I following Jesus with this? are meant to be asked over and over again.

Everything that becomes visible is light

This is one of those painful posts that I hesitate to write.

Anyone who has been reading my blog knows that moving here to Mankato has not been a cake walk for me.  I have been deeply rooted in Minneapolis and I still am I guess.

The thing is (as I've stated before) I let people in my community in Minneapolis become kind of like one of those breathing devices for people with respiratory problems because I've needed them to breath in the Holy Spirit practically.

Right, and it absolutely says to not give up meeting together (Hebrews 10:25) and that believers are built up together (Ephesians 2:19-22) but it also says Jesus is the cornerstone.

So that whole Jesus is the cornerstone -- mmm -- even though Jesus is amazing -- that's hard.

I do not want to be over-dramatic but I've been struggling with different lies for these past months.  Some of them have been about my "goodness" and I have realized that I'm not "good" but I do believe I'm redeemed by God's grace (Ephesians 2:8-10).  Okay, I knew this before but it's come across to me even plainer lately.  Let me state this: for those who know me; and a lot who read this probably do; I appear very "good" but it's just not true.  I say that trying to separate the self-deprecation from the reality of just being a person affected by sin but yeah I just feel the need to state that.  I may look good but I AM NOT.  Thank God my life does not rest on my being good!

We've been going to a church in Mankato and it's okay.  It's probably a pretty great church for a lot of people.  I do not want to disrespect it but partly going there has made me question my faith.

This weekend I thought to myself: perhaps none of this is true and I've just surrounded myself with people who I like who believe it so I've believed it.  I was actually sitting in a dark theater watching a band called "All Eyes" play their very brooding, futuristic sounding music and I thought: this could be just a big theater production.  It could be no more that that.  It wasn't even that I was doubting Christianity (although I was) but underlying it all the things we do in our lives for ourselves and to make ourselves feel something and the meaninglessness of it all and what if I was swallowed up by this meaninglessness: could this be it?

I know it sounds melodramatic.  Yet, I have not really questioned my faith though and it was/is hard.  I also had just starting reading the book "1984" where the main character cannot trust anyone essentially so I think that set me on edge too.

The next day I went to Messiah Episcopal (I love this church) and I talked and cried with Chris and allowed myself to just be real and admit I do not know everything and it may not all make sense and I can continue to question and it's okay.  It actually made me talk to God more genuinely and I found myself doing so.  Being on the edge of losing faith actually compelled  me to want real faith and a real God.  I have been just "going through the motions" a lot in Bible reading and prayer and the way I relate to God lately. 

I read "The Cloister Walk" by Kathleen Norris recently and I just finished it last week.  She is a poet and speaks about how she lost faith but found it again after realizing that she didn't have to have all the answers and maybe relating to God was more like a poem than a math equation.  I take from her here and have to say that's how it is with me.  There is certainly some ambiguity and a lot of mystery about God.  Yet, as I read the red letters of Jesus in my Bible last night it was crazy how real they actually seemed!  I think I had finally let go of all the pretense and He. just. spoke. to. me.  I will not let doubt get in the way because God is a lot fucking bigger than those.  I can rest in the hand that guides me even as I wonder quite who He is and why things are as they are.  Maybe it sounds weird but I think I believe more now.

Thank God for light.

"All things become visible when they are exposed to the light.  For everything that becomes visible is light." -Ephesians 5:13

"For this reason it says,
          'Awake, sleeper, 
          And arise from the dead,
          And Christ will shine on you."
-Ephesians 5:13-14
          

On Princesses

From the beginning of George MacDonald's "The Princess and the Goblin":

THERE was once a little princess who—

"But Mr. Author, why do you always write about princesses?"

"Because every little girl is a princess."

"You will make them vain if you tell them that."

"Not if they understand what I mean."

"Then what do you mean?"

"What do you mean by a princess?"

"The daughter of a king."

"Very well, then every little girl is a princess, and there would be no need to say anything about it, except that she is always in danger of forgetting her rank, and behaving as if she had grown out of the mud. I have seen little princesses behave like children of thieves and lying beggars, and that is why they need to be told they are princesses. And that is why when I tell a story of this kind, I like to tell it about a princess. Then I can say better what I mean, because I can then give her every beautiful thing I want her to have."

"Please go on."

There was once a little princess whose father was king over a great country full of mountains and valleys. His palace was built upon one of the mountains, and was very grand and beautiful. The princess, whose name was Irene, was born there, but she was sent soon after her birth, because her mother was not very strong, to be brought up by country people in a large house, half castle, half farmhouse, on the side of another mountain, about half-way between its base and its peak...

Working in a preschool I get my fair share of princesses as you can imagine.  I have been compared to a princess and also been informed that the little girls I work with are princesses as well as being a scribe for a handful of stapled together "books" containing stories about the girls who are little princesses.  Oh yeah, and then there is the ever-invasive Disney princesses which are not so terrible as I first thought, but also don't do justice to what I believe George MacDonald gets at in the beginning of "The Princess and Goblin."  Princess Irene, if ever there was one, is the real deal in princess stories.  She is simply uncommon.
When I was a little girl I was not into dolls or dresses or anything remotely like princesses.  I just didn't seem to care about any "girly" thing.  According to my mom, I liked to draw and I liked to run around and be a "little monkey." However, after reading the "Princess and the Goblin" and having my eyes widened to this great world I see. what. the. princess. thing. is. about.
Like a poet, I know I cannot quite put it into words, but, it's something about being lovely. A daughter of a king ought to be lovely simply on basis of being the king's daughter, shan't she?  If she is not, as George MacDonald says, she will at least need to hear these things about herself so that she might start to grow into truly having this quality.  I shy away from saying thing like "I am a daughter of a KING," (really the King of Creation) and yet when I find myself aware of this my whole being changes.  I begin to act it because I begin to believe it...and that is what being a princess is about.      

Psalm 21:1-6 (King changed to princess)

"O LORD in your strength the princess will be glad

And in your salvation how greatly she will rejoice!

You have given her her heart's desire,

And you have not withheld the requests of her lips.  Selah

For you meet her with the blessings of good things, 

You have set a crown of fine gold on her head.

She asked life of you

You gave it to her,

Length of days forever and ever 

Her glory (through Jesus) is great through your salvation,

Splendor and majesty you place upon her.

For you make her joyful with gladness in your presence."

A story to tell our grandchildren

I haven't been blogging much.  I actually don't enjoy blogging as much as I wish I did.  It always seems like I think of something to write about but then it seems inconvenient or kind of narcissistic to blog about it so I let it go.  Hehe.  Oh well, and then I start out blogs awkwardly like this!

Anyway, Chris and I have had a crazy couple of weeks leading into what will certainly be a crazy summer.  We are moving in August down to Mankato (technically we must move before August 1 because our lease is up then and we don't want to pay double rent).  We'll nest in the cities a couple of weeks before he starts grad school down there and savor being with family and friends.  It is VERY hard for me to think about moving even though it's only an hour and a half away.  It seems like the other side of the world!  I'm going to dearly miss Minneapolis and all it's inhabitants.  I'm going to really miss living with the girls downstairs in our little "community house".  I'm going to be missing Seward Church, Jesus Kitchen, Salvage Yard Church, House of Hope, all the community tied to potluck at the Greenhouse, the Greenway, Seward Co-op, the Mississippi River, everything!

Well, I did promise a story so here it is:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We went to the BWCA (Boundary Waters Canoe Area) with our friends Tony and Bea (a couple) and Lydia and Joi.  We went there about two weeks ago now and stayed there for 4 days, 2 of which were full days not traveling.  If you know anything about the Boundary Waters you know it is entered by a huge lake and you canoe around a series of lakes and streams to get to different camping spots, etc.  Anyhow, we came in on a very calm day so although the lake (Burntside Lake) was huge it was relatively easy to canoe in.  The first portage was killer but we did it!  It was a 1.75 miles long.  Woah.  Anyway, coming in it did take a while to find a camping spot since the one we wanted was taken but at the end of the day we were golden and found a really nice one.  While we were there we mostly hung out and did a little exploring.  That was not so much the adventure part though.

On the way out of the BWCA we again had to pass over Burntside Lake to the access point.  Now, Tony had a map but didn't realize that the point he saw on the map was not our access point.  This is important because later this really screwed with us.  We had paddled quite a bit already (going the wrong way on one lake for a while) and done a couple of portages.  Most of us were sore and sun-burned from the previous days.  The water was very choppy on Burntside Lake and there were some white-caps too.  Chris and I took it in stride thinking we'd all be fine.  However, about half-way across the lake Tony and Bea pulled over by an island (we were "island-hopping") and said they were going to call for a tow boat to come get them because they didn't want to go on.  They were not in as good of shape phyiscally and their canoe was kevlar, a really light material, so this is understandable.  Lydia and Joi agreed with Tony and Bea and seemed find with it.  Chris, stubborn-hearted as can be said no, words were exchanged in frustration and we canoed on.  Well, after a little bit of paddling over to the next island we decided to turn around and go back.  We did and Tony and Chris apologized for blowing up at each other.  We said we wanted to go on (and it was $20/person to get towed anyway) and they said okay, we'll meet you there.  They gave us the map and some water which was good to have later.

So we went on as determined as ever and we were doing just fine.  We came close to another island continuing the method of island hopping when Chris' canoe paddle split in two! It split simply from the force of wind and water!  At this point I was pretty shocked and thought we should have gone with our friends which Chris agreed to as well.  I could not think of what to do.  Chris looked at the map and said that we should try portaging our gear to the other side of this island since we would be closer to the access point then (and maybe we could find a cabin with a phone, since we had left our phones in the car thinking we'd be with people with phones the whole time!).  So, not knowing what else to do, we took all of gear and portaged an island that was not "portagable".  We had to go through all the brush and woods because there was not a real trail and it was actually quite rocky and hilly in parts.  Chris had a pack on front and back and carried the canoe (crazy strength behemoth man!), I took one pack and the paddles (now one in half), water, and life vests.  It was nuts.  I thought we were nuts which I guess we were because we had to be.

We portaged a while until we found a series of cabins that seemed to almost be like a resort.  There was a sauna and a few yurts too.  We put down our stuff then and tried to see if anyone was there.  Nobody in sight.  We took a minute to pray together, pretty overwhelmed.  My thoughts now drifted to what it would be like to spend the night and if it would make sense to try to break in to one of the cabins.  We asked God for wisdom.

After establishing that the cabins were unoccupied and realizing that going further was futile (it just got steeper and it didn't look like there was another cabin nearby), I told Chris we needed to get back to water.  We went down to the lake again and put all of our heavy gear in the canoes.  Then we drank a little water we had left trying to refresh ourselves.  Chris took it upon himself to drink a little lake water although we weren't out of the filtered water yet.  He also took a long, sturdy stick and said we could "pole around" the island if need be.  I asked out loud if there was any way he could fix the paddle.  He looked through his pack and found a rope and then proceeded to lash the paddle together.  He lashed it beautifully and we were both amazed!  It worked just as well as it had before; the only difference was that he now had to dig a little deeper.  We thanked God for Royal Rangers (Chris' boy scout equivalent in the Assemblies of God) and wisdom as we went out again!

Now we had some real hope, a usable paddle.

As we paddled toward another island the waves seemed to not be so harsh and I could sing again.  It was great.  Even though we would be later then anticipated I knew we would make it back tonight.  The only thing we needed now was to keep paddling toward the access point.  Surprisingly, the paddling now seemed easier and I suggested we go straight across to the access side.  We made it to the other side and all we needed was to be at the access point.  Looking at our map, Chris thought it was to the right of us so we paddled that way near the shore line.  We went by at least 10 cabins and yet no one was around.  Chris was anxious to call our friends since it had been much longer now and they probably were worried about us.  We thought if we saw someone we could use their phone and call them as well as get confirmation about the direction of the access point.  Well, we went on and on and even stopped to see if someone was at a cabin where we saw some lawn chairs, but no dice.  Finally, we saw a van parked in front of a cabin.  We knew someone must be there!  As we came closer to shore an older man came out and told him we were trying to find the access point.  As we showed him our map and he said that the point we were looking at wasn't the one we needed.  He told us we had gone a couple of miles in the wrong direction.  What?!  Naturally at this point we were exhausted and I asked if we could just refill our water since we were almost out.  He had his 6-year old grandson go get us water.  We used his phone to try to call our friends but when we tried to call other people who would have their number we couldn't get a hold of them.  The man came back to us and kindly offered to drive us over to the access point in his van and we could leave our stuff here.  I had no doubt in my mind of taking him up on that offer, "YES!" I said, "Let's do it."  Of course, Chris heartily agreed.

As he drove us up the hill by his cabin I remarked how phenomenal it was that I didn't have to do anything.  We had been going strong since 7:30 a.m. that morning and it was now almost 5 p.m.  We were both extremely grateful to the man (who also kind of looked like Sean Connery, as Chris said later).  He dropped us off at our car and we said we'd see him back at the cabin.  On our car was a note under the windshield wiper left by our friends...it said something like this:

                 Chris and Kim,
            We went to town.  We like you.  Don't get dead.  If we don't hear from you by 5:30 we are coming   to look for you.
                  Love,
                  Tony, Bea, Lydia and Joi
        Tony's # 555-555-5555

Laughing, we drove back to the cabin where all our stuff was.  The grandpa man was there with his grandson to greet us as they went out to swim.  As we got all of our stuff together and Chris figured out how to tie the canoe on again I finally asked the man's name and found out it was Leo.  He was very amiable, watching as Chris tied on the canoe and talking about knots.  The most touching thing is that he went into the cabin and came back with a beer, a Surly Bender, and even though it was the last one he gave it to us because "the best thing after a trip like that is to have a beer."  We didn't even drink the whole can since we're not really drinkers but I thought it was the sweetest thing ever.  His grandson took our "pole" stick and thanked us for the walking stick.  I could not have been more grateful or willing to part with a walking stick for such a little boy.

We drove back to Ely and found our friends.  There was a big group hug, of course, and Joi hugged me and picked me up off the ground in that fantastic way she has of doing that.  I ordered a grilled cheesed sandwich, BLT (for Chris), potato salad and brownies at a nearby restaurant and we loaded Lydia and Joi's gear into our car and got gassed up and ready to go.  There is actually more to this story, but I'll summarize.  As we drove home we genuinely enjoyed each other's company (all the more so I think because of the danger we'd overcome) and played games and read "The Fellowship of the Ring."  It became terrifically stormy as we went on and there was so much rain at times that you couldn't see anything.  Chris pulled over a couple of times and we prayed for safety.  The rain subsided a little and we were only 20 minutes from home when the car stopped working completely.  Chris pulled over to the side and after trying to figure out what was wrong with Joi looking over his shoulder under an umbrella, and pee breaks on the side of the road, we called AAA.  They came and Chris' dad came to pick all of us up with our stuff and we got carried home by him, again, thankful for being alive!  About 1 a.m. in the morning we were all safe and sound and dropped off to sleep.  So, that is the end of that epic story on how God was faithful to help us get back from the BWCA.  My grandparents told me to write it down and I am glad I did for my own future grandchildren.

Coffee and Chocolate

It is lent season.  I am a newbie at observing lent.  Yet I like it. 

I kind of observed lent two years ago trying to give up "criticism" -- honestly one of my flaws in my marriage relationship.  It was actually really good for me to do that.  Last year I gave up facebook which was shockingly easy.  I didn't really want to go on facebook after I made a point not to go on it after two weeks.  I knew I wasn't missing anything.  In fact, going back on facebook was weird.  I realized how surface level it can be and it didn't have much to draw me back in.  I had developed closer relationships with people that I saw in real life -- so it was definitely valuable.  I am on facebook again but generally limit myself to Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday in checking it.  This year I decided to give up my growing coffee addiction and chocolate.  I'll be real in saying that just last week I counted the days and couldn't believe I had so much longer to go.  Haha.

So, as of yet I ate a tiny bit of cacao (which is what chocolate is derived from) in a raw fruit dessert I made for my housemate's birthday.  I honestly didn't know cacao was chocolate until my friends pointed it out to me.  I decided to eat it anyway since it was such a different form and not one I had ever tried that I can remember.  Chocolate has been relatively easy to give up.  Definitely there are times I see something chocolate that I really want -- and I almost justified eating a chocolate mousse because it wasn't a "chocolate bar" -- most of my standard intake of chocolate is.  However, I was convicted by a friend.  Hehe.  Coffee has been a different story.  It's not so much that I crave it.  I do want it sometimes, but more so for the physical/chemical effect it gives -- the zoom.  I have been allowing myself more naps and enjoying that new rhythm.  However, I am grateful it has not been cloudy and instead gloriously sunny lately.

Even though I am doing fine in not having chocolate or coffee I wonder if I am fasting "right".  I don't want to do something legalistically or even just do it out of habit.  I want to be contemplative of why I am doing it.  The idea behind lent as far as I understand it is to sacrifice something as an act of identifying with Jesus Christ who sacrificed his place in heaven (for a time) to be with us on earth and even sacrificed himself for sin so "him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God" (2 Corinthians 5:21).  This is absolutely crazy beautiful.  I want to focus my energy and thoughts on this more.  I want a closer relationship with the Maker of all good things so by giving some up I can appreciate more.

If you wish, what are you doing for lent, if anything?  Why?  How's it going?

"I can't do anything without You"

Well, folks....I have to admit that right now I have been hit with a brick of insecurity.  It may have to do with Jane and I trying to record some songs together to make an "album" -- all of a sudden I feel very uncertain of myself and what  I'm doing with music.  It's not that I'm going to try to make money off of this.  The idea is to make something I can give to family and friends as a Christmas gift.  However, it's bringing up all kinds of doubts.  Perhaps in my heart I do dream to be good enough of an artist that people will want to listen to my music who don't even know me.  I'm so very shy when it comes to actually performing in front of people though -- even good friends sometimes.  I feel it is one of those areas in my life God still is working on in me.

God, may Your kingdom come and You will be done in my life here.  As I sang: I can't do anything without you.  I can't do good on my own.  It's true. 

Please restore my confidence and let it be by your Grace.

All those who read this: I appreciate your prayers in this as well.  Thanks.