What does it mean to follow Jesus?

Clearing my head as I took a walk today (good for the body and the soul) in the rather mild winter weather I had some "Jesus" existential questions circling around my spirit: what am I doing?  What are my motives to what I do?  Am I following Love/Jesus?

Some events in my life have forced me to look at the grander view of things.  I see I am part of something immensely bigger than myself.  Part of this is also the fault of reading "Jesus for President" by Shane Claiborne and Chris Haw.  The last section is all about what the praxis (the practical life) side of being a Christian might look like and he suggests things like finding ways creative ways to use renewable resources, being pacifist, etc.  So these questions did not come uninitiated.  The truth is a lot of my life feels very superficial but there must be a deeper meaning behind what I'm doing or I am doing it in vain.  I simple cannot afford to live my life in a trite way.  I need to seek God with every bit of my being and that means that the questions: What am I doing and why? as well as Am I following Jesus with this? are meant to be asked over and over again.

Where-ever I am (Smacking myself in the Face with Reality)

       I am sitting here in the Hy-Vee dining area in Mankato drinking my $1.75 coffee from the Starbuck's kiosk that I paid.16 cent for (because I used a gift card).  I know, not very romantic...not very typical to describe the mundane like this for me but I had a thought just a little while ago as I was here.  I looked outside to the horizon (here's the romantic in me again) and I thought, "looks like a suburb...wish I was in Minneapolis."  Then I thought..."the better half of my time I am wishing I was somewhere else...this is not healthy."  It just smacked me in the face that I need to just realize that I am here in Mankato -- for better or worse.  I don't love it here but I don't hate it.  I have found some things that I appreciate though to help me -- going on walks and hikes or bike rides for one.  There is a good church here with some pretty solid teaching, worship and friendly enough people.  There is a women's craft collective with an emphasis on crossing cultures with women who have immigrated here with refugee status and women who have lived in the States their whole lives.  I, at least, get to work with children and even do music with them.  I actually have quite a few things to be thankful about.  I also am with my Love, the man I married and even though it's not all rainbows and tulips and sunshine all the time, we love each other and still know how to have fun.  I am glad he is here to do the thing he feels called to do - physics - and I am proud of that.
        The truth is that the Holy Spirit can use me wherever I am and I just need to be willing.  I need to be willing to take the mundane and make it holy.  That stereotypical suburban looking mom in the Starbucks line, maybe she needs encouragement?  I mean, I guess I'm just telling myself I need to realize that just because I'm not doing the thing I *love* and feel "fits" me doesn't mean that God can't use me.  I need to get over myself and my snobbery and ask God what he wants me to do right now.  It may be actually talking to someone who I have some preconceived notion about and not judging them.  It may be seeing the good things in my life instead of focusing on what I don't have.  It may very well be all that and more.

Sugar and Sin

So, I should begin by stating I am doing MUCH, MUCH better.  I do think it was/is good for me to question but I want to assure you all that I actually am pretty much solid in faith now.  After a few days I wrote out a lot of the things God has done for me in my life either in a very supernatural way or a very personal way (or both).  That testimony to myself made me remember why I could trust God and the Bible (although I can't explain or phantom all that is in it).  Perhaps I need to work out things more myself but I think it was more of an emotional crisis than an intellectual one.  I have always leaned more towards emotional dealings anyway.  I welcome all your thoughts/comments on this.  Mostly I just wanted to let you know I am doing fine and feeling closer to God even in slight ambiguity.  In fact, part of what draws me to God is the Mystery.

On to "sugar and sin": the reason I decided to title this post that is because for lent (well, to be honest, I think it's kind of more of an experiment) but PARTLY for lent I've decided to try and forgo sugar.  That sounds a little easier (or harder?) than it is.  Even though I already buy minimally processed foods and mostly organic/natural foods I have already found that I've eaten sugar in salsa and bacon by accident!  Sugar is in almost everything -- even bread.  So, I'm eating Ezekiel bread right now and might make some bread with honey or get a bread from the bakery that doesn't have any sugar in it (rye?).  I don't know.  I am also trying to give up discouragement (mostly for my husband) and replace it with encouragement.  That is more of my "real" lent fast.

So far I've definitely had cravings which is partly why I'm trying to fast from sugar.  I realized I've been using it as a crutch.  I'm also curious to see if I do have more energy and feel better if I don't eat if for a while.  Well, as I said before sugar is pervasive and although I certainly don't think it's a sin to eat sugar it made me think of the Bible Study we went to earlier tonight.  We read Ephesians 4:17-5:20; here it is in full:

¹⁷ So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. ¹⁸ They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. ¹⁹ Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, and they are full of greed.

²⁰ That, however, is not the way of life you learned ²¹ when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. ²² You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; ²³ to be made new in the attitude of your minds; ²⁴ and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

²⁵ Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. ²⁶ “In your anger do not sin”^[d]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, ²⁷ and do not give the devil a foothold. ²⁸ Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands,that they may have something to share with those in need.

²⁹ Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. ³⁰ And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.³¹ Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. ³² Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

5 ¹ Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children ² and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
³ But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. ⁴ Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.⁵ For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a person is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.^[a] 6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. ⁷ Therefore do not be partners with them.
⁸ For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light⁹ (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) ¹⁰ and find out what pleases the Lord. ¹¹ Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. ¹² It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret.¹³ But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. ¹⁴ This is why it is said:

“Wake up, sleeper,
    rise from the dead,
    and Christ will shine on you.”

¹⁵ Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, ¹⁶ making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. ¹⁷ Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. ¹⁸ Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, ¹⁹ speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, ²⁰ always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Alright, so I know that's a lot.  It's a lot and the reason I bring it up is because just reading it made me think of fasting from sugar.  Sugar is in nearly everything.  Reading through this passage made me realize sin is in nearly everything as well.  Just thinking of anger, greed or foolish talk (ok, this happens) and I'm already out.  Then I realize, it's not that I am called out to give sins I am also called to replace them with good things.  It's not so simple as not doing something as much of our culture presumes.  I like that there is a positive for every negative, so to speak.  For example, "Be careful, then, how you live-- not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity because the days are evil."  Anyway, realizing this in full it's no wonder I need the Holy Spirit!  I most definitely NEED to be "made new in the attitude of my mind; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." -Ephesians 4:24

So, yeah, there's some food (without sugar hopefully) for thought.  Haha.  It's interesting how fasting from something or even being intentional about doing/forming a new habit really brings things into clearer focus.  It's like, oh, wow, I need God to save me from sin and recreate me into the person I really am.  Yeah.

Everything that becomes visible is light

This is one of those painful posts that I hesitate to write.

Anyone who has been reading my blog knows that moving here to Mankato has not been a cake walk for me.  I have been deeply rooted in Minneapolis and I still am I guess.

The thing is (as I've stated before) I let people in my community in Minneapolis become kind of like one of those breathing devices for people with respiratory problems because I've needed them to breath in the Holy Spirit practically.

Right, and it absolutely says to not give up meeting together (Hebrews 10:25) and that believers are built up together (Ephesians 2:19-22) but it also says Jesus is the cornerstone.

So that whole Jesus is the cornerstone -- mmm -- even though Jesus is amazing -- that's hard.

I do not want to be over-dramatic but I've been struggling with different lies for these past months.  Some of them have been about my "goodness" and I have realized that I'm not "good" but I do believe I'm redeemed by God's grace (Ephesians 2:8-10).  Okay, I knew this before but it's come across to me even plainer lately.  Let me state this: for those who know me; and a lot who read this probably do; I appear very "good" but it's just not true.  I say that trying to separate the self-deprecation from the reality of just being a person affected by sin but yeah I just feel the need to state that.  I may look good but I AM NOT.  Thank God my life does not rest on my being good!

We've been going to a church in Mankato and it's okay.  It's probably a pretty great church for a lot of people.  I do not want to disrespect it but partly going there has made me question my faith.

This weekend I thought to myself: perhaps none of this is true and I've just surrounded myself with people who I like who believe it so I've believed it.  I was actually sitting in a dark theater watching a band called "All Eyes" play their very brooding, futuristic sounding music and I thought: this could be just a big theater production.  It could be no more that that.  It wasn't even that I was doubting Christianity (although I was) but underlying it all the things we do in our lives for ourselves and to make ourselves feel something and the meaninglessness of it all and what if I was swallowed up by this meaninglessness: could this be it?

I know it sounds melodramatic.  Yet, I have not really questioned my faith though and it was/is hard.  I also had just starting reading the book "1984" where the main character cannot trust anyone essentially so I think that set me on edge too.

The next day I went to Messiah Episcopal (I love this church) and I talked and cried with Chris and allowed myself to just be real and admit I do not know everything and it may not all make sense and I can continue to question and it's okay.  It actually made me talk to God more genuinely and I found myself doing so.  Being on the edge of losing faith actually compelled  me to want real faith and a real God.  I have been just "going through the motions" a lot in Bible reading and prayer and the way I relate to God lately. 

I read "The Cloister Walk" by Kathleen Norris recently and I just finished it last week.  She is a poet and speaks about how she lost faith but found it again after realizing that she didn't have to have all the answers and maybe relating to God was more like a poem than a math equation.  I take from her here and have to say that's how it is with me.  There is certainly some ambiguity and a lot of mystery about God.  Yet, as I read the red letters of Jesus in my Bible last night it was crazy how real they actually seemed!  I think I had finally let go of all the pretense and He. just. spoke. to. me.  I will not let doubt get in the way because God is a lot fucking bigger than those.  I can rest in the hand that guides me even as I wonder quite who He is and why things are as they are.  Maybe it sounds weird but I think I believe more now.

Thank God for light.

"All things become visible when they are exposed to the light.  For everything that becomes visible is light." -Ephesians 5:13

"For this reason it says,
          'Awake, sleeper, 
          And arise from the dead,
          And Christ will shine on you."
-Ephesians 5:13-14
          

Kingdom come, will be done

I have recently come to the exhilarating and terrifying conclusion that God does indeed intend to bring his Kingdom on earth through me (and other followers of Him).

Maybe this is too simple of a statement.

It would seem somewhat obvious; afterall, Jesus explicitly asks us to pray for God's Kingdom to come when his disciples ask him how to pray.  Yet again, in Matthew 28:18-20 there is the famous commission:

And Jesus came and said to them,  "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.  
Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age."

Of course, this is to his disciples directly, but it was meant to replicate itself and it in fact, did.

Everything I do should be centered around the Spirit's desire to work through me to draw all people to Himself.  I fail at this often, and yet, I am comforted that God has used me and is refining me and even making me desire more and more to be his child, his reflection.  One of my favorite verses proclaims,


"All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself through Christ, no counting men's sins against them.  And he has committed us to this ministry of reconciliation.
We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us.  We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God.  God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."  -2 Corinthians 5:18-21

It is easy to become numb to the Spirit.  We can be distracted by so much.  We can live our lives self-righteously or self-importantly.  We can even do good things.  Yet, as one of my friend's showed me the other week, when we stop just trying to be "good Christians" and open ourselves up to the Spirit we end up doing things like hanging out with our Somali friends and making acquaintance with one of their Somali friends who has need of all kinds of basic things like a winter coat and cookware and no way to get it.  Then, we tell him that our church will be able to provide these things because that's what we do.  Later, we actually do it.  We sacrifice some time and money and energy and learn about another culture and feel a bit foolish perhaps, but it's so worthy.  Actually listening to the Spirit and being willing to be used has repercussions beyond anything we can do with our own power.


I could go on and on.  I know what I've written isn't very coherent.  However, I feel it is vital to say either way.  I am very amazed that Jesus wants to use us.  In some ways it is logical because he did give us the Holy Spirit to help us when he left.  In some ways, it seems ridiculous, being that humans are so fickle.  Yet, God is changing the world through us.  That is his plan.  Let's be his ambassadors.