James 3:15-18

But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth.

15

Wisdom of this kind does not come down from above but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic.

16

For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every foul practice.

17

But the wisdom from above is first of all pure, then peaceable, gentle, compliant, full of mercy and good fruits, without inconstancy or insincerity.

18

And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace for those who cultivate peace.

I came home from church tonight and I was thinking about my attitude, my heart during our gathering tonight, and while it was not always like v.15 above, too much of the time it was like that.  I think God put this verse in my head to make me realize again how it is not pleasing to Him.  I really need help, God.  I can't do it on my own.  I can't do anything, much less any good, without You.  

It's so hard sometimes.  I don't know why these feelings come up about church.  It could be things are unhealthy, or it's spiritual attack, or both.  It could be that this is bound to happen in any group of people I adhere to for a time.  I will feel some bitterness, some jealousy, and I will have some selfish ambition....but it's not what I want even though it's what I have.  

I want to have pure, peaceable, gentle, compliant (well, actually, I'm so stubborn and independent minded I don't want to be compliant right now), but I definitely want to be merciful.  I also don't want to be insincere....but it's hard when I know these feelings/thoughts are so wrong.  It'd be easy to be sincere if I had a good heart.  Hmmm....

I just don't know.  I've been thinking of other churches with such admiration, but I know at the end of the day all churches are made of people and we are all sinners.  We will always disappoint one another sometimes.  We will always strain with each other sometimes.  It's not that I don't love my church, I guess I just have these things come up in my spirit that I just don't know how to deal with between other people and myself.  It doesn't feel like a "safe place" for me to be myself.  And by that I don't mean tell all about my crap, but I do mean even just feel like I am understood and respected.  I especially need to know that my contribution means something (selfish ambition perhaps...or not?).  It is so hard to know sometimes.  I love my church (there are many good things about it and the people it's made from), and yet I struggle to love it.  The problem may be that I question if I should be somewhere else.  I guess if you're reading this right now, pray for me in this respect.  Thank you.  I do feel better just writing this.

Thinkin' Time

With the constant distractions of life and technology sometimes it seems like my brain gets short-wired and I don't really think, I don't let my mind meander or even just experience the moment.

I went on a short walk tonight amid the hectic pace of my duties (I was baking some din-din in the oven), and lo and behold, there was a very full moon gracing the night sky.  It was beautiful and it made me feel safer as I walked along the street.  I have decided I need to intentionally get out and be active more (although I do this sometimes, lately I'd become kind of lazy).  Definitely, it is cold outside, but it's not that bad when you're moving and you're not out there forever.  After all, that's why long underwear was made.  :0)

So, as I strolled I found myself having thoughts (yes thoughts!) that I didn't even know I had.  I feel like it's so easy to sit under an umbrella of sudden feelings, sudden thoughts, and constant distraction (especially from the internet and sometimes other people) and almost never know what you yourself are truly thinking and feeling.  I was glad to get out from under that umbrella for at least 20 minutes and experience the cool winter air and gorgeous sky.

Rhythms

So, I used to have a thing for drummers.

However, I am not talking about those kind of rhythms.  ;0)

I don't know why I feel the need to start this blog out in the cheesiest possible way, but I guess it's because I am blogging on so little time and not much ambition.  (sheepish smile)

I was walking through the winter darkness to my neighbor's house to return the spare set of keys that she lent me (she is kind of our landlady's caretaker) because earlier I locked my keys in the garage.  Anyhow, something about being outside in the serenity of evening in a working-class Minneapolis neighborhood in January makes me contemplative.  Maybe it is the stillness, maybe it is the coolness of the air, or the lights in the windows of the cozy little houses, but it gathers my thoughts together and makes me just be.

I have a rather erratic schedule as a substitute teacher but I realized that I still have rhythms.  There are still things in my life that I do each day (or week, or season) to help me find my place.  Some examples: for the last few months I have been volunteering at a preschool on Tuesdays.  I also have worship music practice on Tuesday, late afternoonish/early eveningish.  On Fridays there is church in the evening, on Saturday nights is Jesus Kitchen, and on Sundays and Saturdays Chris and I always sleep in and are usually pretty free-spirited about our plans (which is kind of like our way of giving ourselves a Sabbath I guess).  ;0)  So, I guess weekly my rhythms are pretty steady.  However, even in the day to day things I find myself in patterns.  Even if I don't have much time I always eat breakfast...and I cherish what little time I do have in the morning.  Before I go to bed I usually read or journal.   I love to pray with Chris too whenever that works out (which is most nights).  Admittedly, I also usually go on Facebook when I get home from work!  I want to change this habit to something like taking a walk outside or reading from the Bible or even, "gasp" writing creatively!

Yeah.  What kind of rhythms do you have in your life?  What kind of rhythms do you want?

I also find it very interesting that everything in the natural world sustains an ebb and flow (hey, that's actually taken from wordage about water).  Water, seasons, planets, animals, people even, yes, us.  We've been created to keep rhythm.