On Princesses

From the beginning of George MacDonald's "The Princess and the Goblin":

THERE was once a little princess who—

"But Mr. Author, why do you always write about princesses?"

"Because every little girl is a princess."

"You will make them vain if you tell them that."

"Not if they understand what I mean."

"Then what do you mean?"

"What do you mean by a princess?"

"The daughter of a king."

"Very well, then every little girl is a princess, and there would be no need to say anything about it, except that she is always in danger of forgetting her rank, and behaving as if she had grown out of the mud. I have seen little princesses behave like children of thieves and lying beggars, and that is why they need to be told they are princesses. And that is why when I tell a story of this kind, I like to tell it about a princess. Then I can say better what I mean, because I can then give her every beautiful thing I want her to have."

"Please go on."

There was once a little princess whose father was king over a great country full of mountains and valleys. His palace was built upon one of the mountains, and was very grand and beautiful. The princess, whose name was Irene, was born there, but she was sent soon after her birth, because her mother was not very strong, to be brought up by country people in a large house, half castle, half farmhouse, on the side of another mountain, about half-way between its base and its peak...

Working in a preschool I get my fair share of princesses as you can imagine.  I have been compared to a princess and also been informed that the little girls I work with are princesses as well as being a scribe for a handful of stapled together "books" containing stories about the girls who are little princesses.  Oh yeah, and then there is the ever-invasive Disney princesses which are not so terrible as I first thought, but also don't do justice to what I believe George MacDonald gets at in the beginning of "The Princess and Goblin."  Princess Irene, if ever there was one, is the real deal in princess stories.  She is simply uncommon.
When I was a little girl I was not into dolls or dresses or anything remotely like princesses.  I just didn't seem to care about any "girly" thing.  According to my mom, I liked to draw and I liked to run around and be a "little monkey." However, after reading the "Princess and the Goblin" and having my eyes widened to this great world I see. what. the. princess. thing. is. about.
Like a poet, I know I cannot quite put it into words, but, it's something about being lovely. A daughter of a king ought to be lovely simply on basis of being the king's daughter, shan't she?  If she is not, as George MacDonald says, she will at least need to hear these things about herself so that she might start to grow into truly having this quality.  I shy away from saying thing like "I am a daughter of a KING," (really the King of Creation) and yet when I find myself aware of this my whole being changes.  I begin to act it because I begin to believe it...and that is what being a princess is about.      

Psalm 21:1-6 (King changed to princess)

"O LORD in your strength the princess will be glad

And in your salvation how greatly she will rejoice!

You have given her her heart's desire,

And you have not withheld the requests of her lips.  Selah

For you meet her with the blessings of good things, 

You have set a crown of fine gold on her head.

She asked life of you

You gave it to her,

Length of days forever and ever 

Her glory (through Jesus) is great through your salvation,

Splendor and majesty you place upon her.

For you make her joyful with gladness in your presence."

Falling backwards and forwards

In high school I had a mad crush on a boy.  This boy wrote a work that was in the literary arts magazine I helped put together and one of the first lines was something like this:

"Do you ever feel like you are constantly falling backwards or forwards 4 years from where you are?"

For some reason that line stuck with me and sometimes when I am in a state of reflection I think of it.  I guess it's because it's truth.  It's hard to be in the place I am right now and I often think of things in the past that I miss or in the future that I yearn to come to be.

Hmmm....today, right where I am.  Right now.  Jesus, you want me right now, right where I am.

Jesus, you call me from the place I stand.  There is nothing that you don't permeate.  There is nothing beyond your Grace.
 

Hard to get torn at the roots...need Light and Water to repair it

"Hard to get torn at the roots...need Light and Water to repair it" is what I wrote in my journal the other day as I was thinking about the sweeping changes Chris and I have made as we are now in Mankato away from our community in Minneapolis.

Some people find a "community" in high school, some in college; but for me it was these last several years in Minneapolis post-college.  I felt like I finally connected and had a circle (and circles) of people I belonged to.  Not everyone being a close friend but a definite level of trust and recognition. 

Anyway, now that we are here in Mankato I have realized that in some ways I had become comfortable in that community giving me my sense of self worth.  Yes, I loved God within it and grew in my love for God and others because of it; but I also began to let it be a kind of idol that told me who I was.  The truth is that only God can tell us who we are and He always does so in the most beautiful, startling and yet profoundly calming, way.

These thoughts also grow out of my reading Don Miller's book "Searching for God Knows What."  He talks a lot about how we are wired to be in relationship.  He even states that if aliens were visiting us the thing they would notice the most is how much we are constantly comparing ourselves to each other.  We are wired to want affirmation.  The reason this instinct (so to speak) is so strong is that we are designed to be in a relationship with God who tells us who we are.  I think of facebook (and even this blog) where it has become the norm to constantly tell an audience what you are doing/thinking/feeling.  It's so obvious that we want others to affirm us (notice how there is only a "like" button and not a "dislike" one on facebook).

Getting back to what I was talking about earlier, as I realized how I had grown to depend of community and I step away from it into a kind of "void" here in Mankato I feel again a little like I did in high school and parts of college.  I am a maverick of sorts - not quite fitting in but able to roll with the punches with my few friends.  I am proud and yet I know I need community just as much as I did before.  Even more, I need God and thankfully the book "Searching for God Knows What" really hits on God's earnest desire for a relationship with us and has pulled me back in this direction.  God's love is so out of control -- it's a sheer astonishment.  We are sometimes caught in words and ideas of God rather than actually loving God for who He is. I have been refreshed by being called out to love Him and not just my imagination/a set of precepts.  He is the Light and Water that can repair my roots and keep me like a tree by the waters.

"This is what the Lord says:

“Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
    who draws strength from mere flesh
    and whose heart turns away from the Lord.
⁶ That person will be like a bush in the wastelands;
    they will not see prosperity when it comes.
They will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
    in a salt land where no one lives.

⁷ “But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
    whose confidence is in him.
⁸ They will be like a tree planted by the water
    that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
    its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
    and never fails to bear fruit.”

Jeremiah 17:5-8

Christianity and Cynicism

I've noticed a trend in our culture at large of cynicism.  For example, the romantic comedy Chris and I watched recently didn't have a "happy ending" but left it with the woman protagonist more or less realizing it probably wouldn't work out.  It was all very post-post-modern.

So this kind of cynicism seems to have seeped into my circles of christian culture too.  It is popular (or maybe common is a better word) in these circles to be self-deprecating and cynical about sin.  Humility is one thing, but this isn't humility because it doesn't acknowledge the power and goodness of God in our own lives.  Instead, it goes around saying "woe is me" and "woe is the world" but not expecting change to come.  I want to say that I am not minimizing any hardships someone may go through.  I know that life is not simple but I believe God calls us to hope and believe (2 Corinthians 4:7-18 is one of my favorite passages that speaks strongly about these things).  We are earthen vessels, cracked pots with great power shining in us.

We need to have our eyes opened to the blinding truth that God's love is resoundingly infinite.  He will not leave us in sin and sorrow.  Our lives will not be easy, but with the Spirit of God our lives will be astonishingly redeemed.  I am speaking this to myself right now as much as anyone reading this:

I pray for new life and hope and that we'd be earnestly humble to see the KING work.

ISAIAH 59 was prophesied and prayed for over me a while back and I am awed by it:

"cry aloud, do not hold back; raise your voice like a trumpet, and declare to my people their transgression and to the house of Jacob their sins.  
yet they seek Me day by day and delight to know my ways, as nation that has done righteousness and has not forsaken the ordinance of God.
they ask me for just decisions, they delight in the nearness of God, "why have we fasted and You do not see? why have we humbled ourselves and you did not notice? behold, on the day of your fast you find your desire and drive hard all your workers. behold you fast for contention and strife and to strike with a wicked fist.  you do not fast like you do today to make your voice heard on high.  
is it a fast like this which i choose, a day for a man to humble himself? is it for bowing one's head like a reed and for spreading out sackcloth and ashes as a bed? 
will you call this a fast, even an acceptable day to the Lord? 
is this not the fast I choose: to loosen the bonds of wickedness, to undo the bands of the yoke, and to let the oppressed go free and break every yoke? 
is it not to divide your bread with the hungry and to bring the homeless poor into your house; when you see the naked, to cover him; and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?

then your light will break out like the dawn, and your recovery will speedily spring forth; and your righteousness will go before you; the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. 
then you will call and the Lord will answer; you will cry and He will say, 'Here I am'
if you remove the yoke from your midst, the pointing of the finger and speaking wickedness, and if you give yourself to the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your gloom will become like midday.
and the Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a well-watered garden, and like a spring whose waters do not fail.
those from among you will rebuild the ancient ruins; you will raise up the age-old foundations; and you will be called the repairer of the breach, the restorer of the streets in which to dwell.

if because of the sabbath, you turn your foot from doing your own pleasure on My holy day, and call the sabbath a delight, the holy day of the Lord honorable,
and honor it, desisting from your own ways, from seeking your own pleasure and speaking your own word.
then you will take delight in the Lord and I will make you ride on the heights of the earth; and I will feed you with the heritage of jacob your father, for the mouth of the Lord has spoken."

Learning/Teaching the Bare Necessities of Life

Again, it's been a while since I've posted.  Not sure when the last one was but it feels like I have aged more than the time that has elapsed.  Then again, that's probably just the PMS and late Sunday evening mood talking. ;o)

I've been enjoying my job which is something I could not have said very much of jobs I've had in the past. I feel truly blessed to be in this position.  I don't deny that there are real challenges but I actually feel that I am making a difference in my job.

I am working with very young children from the ages of 3-5 years old and one thing that has struck me in this is how much I am learning myself just by constantly teaching the essentials in my words and actions.
Being human is something really so basic and yet jarringly difficult.  The foundations of these things seem to start with the age I work with.  I get to teach (by word and action) such things as getting along with others, identifying emotions in oneself and others, knowing yourself, fairness, kindness, how to clean up after yourself, thoughtfulness, etc.  Adults, myself included, continually struggle with these essentials.  Then there are just what's out in the world that we should know about: seasons, planets, holidays, cultures, animals, numbers, letters and many other permutations of these things!  Naturally, being married to a physicist, I am a believer in never stopping learning in all of these areas. :o)

Another thing I'm profoundly blessed by in this job is having an hour break.  I have been going to the park across the street and having a "picnic" everyday for a while now at one of the picnic tables.  I love this because it doesn't take me all that long to eat (maybe 20 minutes) and then I can use the rest of the time to pray and journal and "marinate" in the Holy Spirit's urgings as well as my own reflections.  This time is invaluable.  When the weather gets colder I'll probably just stay inside in the office or on occasion drive home (I'm only 8 minutes away) but for now it's rapturously restorative.

Yes, so there are some things in Mankato I've taken a shine to including my work.  I feel completely right about it which is something I've had issues with for a long time so it's actually a pivotal praise.  However, Chris and I still dearly miss our friends in Minneapolis and long for a church and friendships that could be as much loved and lauded!  Please pray for that if you are listening.

Shalom to all you all.

Kimberly

One foot in Minneapolis, one foot in Mankato and an elbow in Vadnais Heights

Chris and I have moved from Minneapolis to Mankato but we are in Vadnais Heights staying with his parents at the moment.

Our lives are weird.

The complications come from him having to train in a new guy at his dad's work and our car not working.  We have not working car as of right now. 

Anyway, I did get to spend some quality time in Mankato getting unpacked and set up more comfortably and although it's no Minneapolis I'm starting to like it.  Among my experiences: a traveling hippie artist lady gave me an amethyst after she found out I was new to Mankato because she had just taken it from the ground and it was fresh and so was I.  :o)  That was really a blessing to me!  I also got to go to the genuine "Mutch" Hardware store in North Mankato via bike and I watched 8-10 year old boys skateboard in the back "parking lot" as I wrote a letter.  They asked me if they could skate there and all I said was it was fine by me as long as they didn't hit the car.

In a lot of ways, although Mankato is certainly not free from the big city woes, I do find it's small townishness regenerating to my spirit.  It's a little more innocent a touch more naive than Minneapolis.  It makes me also love Minneapolis and have more compassion for those at Jesus Kitchen especially.  Yes, this move is likely a good thing.

The End of an Era

"Leaving Minneapolis is like leaving a lover/You've got so much history you just don't want it to be over."

I've never left a lover and so my writing those lyrics might seem kind of ridiculous (even without the tackiness factor) but I do truly feel like Minneapolis is a dear, dear friend I'm parting ways with (even if it's just for a while).

I guess the truth is what I love most about Minneapolis is the friendships I've developed here.  The people, the community of communities itself, is what makes it hard to leave.

I'm rooted in this forest.  I can't even begin to list the things I'll miss, but I suppose I will:

1.  Our housemates Jane, Lydia and Mary...our little community house has had it's rough patches but I love everyone and have been blessed so much by being in this together.
2.  The beauty that surrounds the house we're in: it's proximity to the Mississippi river, the big park, the Greenway bike trail, the garden space, the ability to go out and just rest in the yard, etc.
3.  Our neighbors that we've gotten to know; the East African family next to us just invited us to dinner and we hung out with them last week, our neighbor Mel, other quirky friendly neighbors; particularly Richard who plants tomatoes and green beans in his front boulevard and encourages people to pick them.
4.  The Seward Co-op and being able to bike there.  All the hippies in Seward.  :o)

Jane, me and Chris at the Art Shanties after we did the bike ice race

5.  Jesus Kitchen hugely!  We will be trying to come back once a month (this we are committed to but realize we must be flexible as well).  Chris and I met there.  These last 9 months or so we've essentially led it and feel very vested in it.  We love the people we know through it and fully intend to continue those friendships.  We love sharing God's love and being challenged by what's really going on with people's hearts and heads.
6.  Hard Times (in a lot of ways Hard Times is somewhat synonymous with Jesus Kitchen to me because we most always hang out there after the Kitchen).  It's punk flavor that still seems to let so many others spill into it's doors and co-exist: college students, refugees and immigrants, people just looking for others to be with/contemplate with).  I will also miss it's super cheap and good food.
7. Our official church, Seward Church.  We've grown with it and kept on seeing people come and go.  Good times even in hard times (heh, seems like a pun from the previous listing).  I've come to see my need for Jesus in real ways through doing life with people there and hearing the Word.
8.  Salvage Yard Community: it seems this spans just Tuesday night service.  Hanging out at Greenhouse Potluck and doing Jesus Kitchen has probably helped us continue on in these connections.
9. Greenhouse Potluck:  bringing people together for food!  Playing silly games and feeling at home in a home away from home.
10.  The rich diversity of the neighborhoods in general:  I love the midtown area where so many cultures meet.  I love how Minnesota's Lutheran roots have created a social system where many immigrants feel safe and find their needs meet.  I pray that will happen more.

THERE ARE SO MANY FLIPPING REASONS I'M GOING TO MISS YOU, MINNEAPOLIS!

A story to tell our grandchildren

I haven't been blogging much.  I actually don't enjoy blogging as much as I wish I did.  It always seems like I think of something to write about but then it seems inconvenient or kind of narcissistic to blog about it so I let it go.  Hehe.  Oh well, and then I start out blogs awkwardly like this!

Anyway, Chris and I have had a crazy couple of weeks leading into what will certainly be a crazy summer.  We are moving in August down to Mankato (technically we must move before August 1 because our lease is up then and we don't want to pay double rent).  We'll nest in the cities a couple of weeks before he starts grad school down there and savor being with family and friends.  It is VERY hard for me to think about moving even though it's only an hour and a half away.  It seems like the other side of the world!  I'm going to dearly miss Minneapolis and all it's inhabitants.  I'm going to really miss living with the girls downstairs in our little "community house".  I'm going to be missing Seward Church, Jesus Kitchen, Salvage Yard Church, House of Hope, all the community tied to potluck at the Greenhouse, the Greenway, Seward Co-op, the Mississippi River, everything!

Well, I did promise a story so here it is:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We went to the BWCA (Boundary Waters Canoe Area) with our friends Tony and Bea (a couple) and Lydia and Joi.  We went there about two weeks ago now and stayed there for 4 days, 2 of which were full days not traveling.  If you know anything about the Boundary Waters you know it is entered by a huge lake and you canoe around a series of lakes and streams to get to different camping spots, etc.  Anyhow, we came in on a very calm day so although the lake (Burntside Lake) was huge it was relatively easy to canoe in.  The first portage was killer but we did it!  It was a 1.75 miles long.  Woah.  Anyway, coming in it did take a while to find a camping spot since the one we wanted was taken but at the end of the day we were golden and found a really nice one.  While we were there we mostly hung out and did a little exploring.  That was not so much the adventure part though.

On the way out of the BWCA we again had to pass over Burntside Lake to the access point.  Now, Tony had a map but didn't realize that the point he saw on the map was not our access point.  This is important because later this really screwed with us.  We had paddled quite a bit already (going the wrong way on one lake for a while) and done a couple of portages.  Most of us were sore and sun-burned from the previous days.  The water was very choppy on Burntside Lake and there were some white-caps too.  Chris and I took it in stride thinking we'd all be fine.  However, about half-way across the lake Tony and Bea pulled over by an island (we were "island-hopping") and said they were going to call for a tow boat to come get them because they didn't want to go on.  They were not in as good of shape phyiscally and their canoe was kevlar, a really light material, so this is understandable.  Lydia and Joi agreed with Tony and Bea and seemed find with it.  Chris, stubborn-hearted as can be said no, words were exchanged in frustration and we canoed on.  Well, after a little bit of paddling over to the next island we decided to turn around and go back.  We did and Tony and Chris apologized for blowing up at each other.  We said we wanted to go on (and it was $20/person to get towed anyway) and they said okay, we'll meet you there.  They gave us the map and some water which was good to have later.

So we went on as determined as ever and we were doing just fine.  We came close to another island continuing the method of island hopping when Chris' canoe paddle split in two! It split simply from the force of wind and water!  At this point I was pretty shocked and thought we should have gone with our friends which Chris agreed to as well.  I could not think of what to do.  Chris looked at the map and said that we should try portaging our gear to the other side of this island since we would be closer to the access point then (and maybe we could find a cabin with a phone, since we had left our phones in the car thinking we'd be with people with phones the whole time!).  So, not knowing what else to do, we took all of gear and portaged an island that was not "portagable".  We had to go through all the brush and woods because there was not a real trail and it was actually quite rocky and hilly in parts.  Chris had a pack on front and back and carried the canoe (crazy strength behemoth man!), I took one pack and the paddles (now one in half), water, and life vests.  It was nuts.  I thought we were nuts which I guess we were because we had to be.

We portaged a while until we found a series of cabins that seemed to almost be like a resort.  There was a sauna and a few yurts too.  We put down our stuff then and tried to see if anyone was there.  Nobody in sight.  We took a minute to pray together, pretty overwhelmed.  My thoughts now drifted to what it would be like to spend the night and if it would make sense to try to break in to one of the cabins.  We asked God for wisdom.

After establishing that the cabins were unoccupied and realizing that going further was futile (it just got steeper and it didn't look like there was another cabin nearby), I told Chris we needed to get back to water.  We went down to the lake again and put all of our heavy gear in the canoes.  Then we drank a little water we had left trying to refresh ourselves.  Chris took it upon himself to drink a little lake water although we weren't out of the filtered water yet.  He also took a long, sturdy stick and said we could "pole around" the island if need be.  I asked out loud if there was any way he could fix the paddle.  He looked through his pack and found a rope and then proceeded to lash the paddle together.  He lashed it beautifully and we were both amazed!  It worked just as well as it had before; the only difference was that he now had to dig a little deeper.  We thanked God for Royal Rangers (Chris' boy scout equivalent in the Assemblies of God) and wisdom as we went out again!

Now we had some real hope, a usable paddle.

As we paddled toward another island the waves seemed to not be so harsh and I could sing again.  It was great.  Even though we would be later then anticipated I knew we would make it back tonight.  The only thing we needed now was to keep paddling toward the access point.  Surprisingly, the paddling now seemed easier and I suggested we go straight across to the access side.  We made it to the other side and all we needed was to be at the access point.  Looking at our map, Chris thought it was to the right of us so we paddled that way near the shore line.  We went by at least 10 cabins and yet no one was around.  Chris was anxious to call our friends since it had been much longer now and they probably were worried about us.  We thought if we saw someone we could use their phone and call them as well as get confirmation about the direction of the access point.  Well, we went on and on and even stopped to see if someone was at a cabin where we saw some lawn chairs, but no dice.  Finally, we saw a van parked in front of a cabin.  We knew someone must be there!  As we came closer to shore an older man came out and told him we were trying to find the access point.  As we showed him our map and he said that the point we were looking at wasn't the one we needed.  He told us we had gone a couple of miles in the wrong direction.  What?!  Naturally at this point we were exhausted and I asked if we could just refill our water since we were almost out.  He had his 6-year old grandson go get us water.  We used his phone to try to call our friends but when we tried to call other people who would have their number we couldn't get a hold of them.  The man came back to us and kindly offered to drive us over to the access point in his van and we could leave our stuff here.  I had no doubt in my mind of taking him up on that offer, "YES!" I said, "Let's do it."  Of course, Chris heartily agreed.

As he drove us up the hill by his cabin I remarked how phenomenal it was that I didn't have to do anything.  We had been going strong since 7:30 a.m. that morning and it was now almost 5 p.m.  We were both extremely grateful to the man (who also kind of looked like Sean Connery, as Chris said later).  He dropped us off at our car and we said we'd see him back at the cabin.  On our car was a note under the windshield wiper left by our friends...it said something like this:

                 Chris and Kim,
            We went to town.  We like you.  Don't get dead.  If we don't hear from you by 5:30 we are coming   to look for you.
                  Love,
                  Tony, Bea, Lydia and Joi
        Tony's # 555-555-5555

Laughing, we drove back to the cabin where all our stuff was.  The grandpa man was there with his grandson to greet us as they went out to swim.  As we got all of our stuff together and Chris figured out how to tie the canoe on again I finally asked the man's name and found out it was Leo.  He was very amiable, watching as Chris tied on the canoe and talking about knots.  The most touching thing is that he went into the cabin and came back with a beer, a Surly Bender, and even though it was the last one he gave it to us because "the best thing after a trip like that is to have a beer."  We didn't even drink the whole can since we're not really drinkers but I thought it was the sweetest thing ever.  His grandson took our "pole" stick and thanked us for the walking stick.  I could not have been more grateful or willing to part with a walking stick for such a little boy.

We drove back to Ely and found our friends.  There was a big group hug, of course, and Joi hugged me and picked me up off the ground in that fantastic way she has of doing that.  I ordered a grilled cheesed sandwich, BLT (for Chris), potato salad and brownies at a nearby restaurant and we loaded Lydia and Joi's gear into our car and got gassed up and ready to go.  There is actually more to this story, but I'll summarize.  As we drove home we genuinely enjoyed each other's company (all the more so I think because of the danger we'd overcome) and played games and read "The Fellowship of the Ring."  It became terrifically stormy as we went on and there was so much rain at times that you couldn't see anything.  Chris pulled over a couple of times and we prayed for safety.  The rain subsided a little and we were only 20 minutes from home when the car stopped working completely.  Chris pulled over to the side and after trying to figure out what was wrong with Joi looking over his shoulder under an umbrella, and pee breaks on the side of the road, we called AAA.  They came and Chris' dad came to pick all of us up with our stuff and we got carried home by him, again, thankful for being alive!  About 1 a.m. in the morning we were all safe and sound and dropped off to sleep.  So, that is the end of that epic story on how God was faithful to help us get back from the BWCA.  My grandparents told me to write it down and I am glad I did for my own future grandchildren.

Thoughts on an April afternoon at Powderhorn Park

I just wrote this as I was sitting in powderhorn park this afternoon after an "interesting" day of substitute teaching.  It was in a very diverse school that I like to visit despite it's lack of prestige.  Anyway, something got me thinking (maybe coffee coupled with the Spirit) as I was sitting and I wrote this:

As humans there is a lot of pressure on us.  Of course there is the basic pressure to survive or even pass on our genes to the next generation but there is a hunger, a gnawing appetite for greater purpose still.  We feel like we are here for something although we may not know what that something is.  We have dreams of a legacy, a rightness being carried on that transcends our own feeble efforts.  We hope, we yearn -- even in selfishness -- for peace and justice carried out and goodness overcoming evil.  Many of us have this sense of right and wrong although we are misguided on where it's essence stems from at times.  I see it all over in the faces of people.  People in the park, in the schools I work at, in the coffee shop and the grocery store, in the hospital where I visit a friend, in the neighborhood I walk.  There is a pining and a striving for something more.  There is an acknowledgment that things are not quite how they are supposed to be.  We know -- adults as well as children -- and maybe children more at times -- something has been lost.

What is lost? God.  God himself (I use the masculine form for simplicity) is not lost but our connection to him.  Our dwelling in and breathing in the One who fulfills everything in every way.  We are like children without parents trying to care for one another but failing.  We are like sailboats without wind  in the doldrums of a stagnant sea.  What we need is him.  For the Maker indeed knows what we are made for and as it happens it is for him.  It is for us to know and love him.  It is for understanding of his greatness in truth and love to manifest itself in being shown to others.  As we live, our lives become emblems of his sacrifice to bring us all back to his Father heart.  

I'll be honest, I am yet trying to be still and know him, to be blown by that Wind.  I am often forgetful that I am not an orphan any longer but a daughter of a majestic King.  Even so, I am steadily coming closer and closer to the One who draws all to himself.  At times I am conscious that I almost cannot help it.  If I turn from him I start to get cold and numb and I am not inclined to go back to that.  I am also aware of how much further I have to burrow into his wings and be completely free to take flight.  I could chose to leave but I can't imagine why.  Yes, even when his Wind blows me something fierce and I question the kindness I am reminded of his Father's heart that disciplines those he loves.  I am not being forsaken; I am being found again and again.  My will for something beautiful is being reawakened.  Even as the reopening of love causes some pain, the desire for the real and strong crushes the will for something temporary and trite. Little by little, I am learning to see his face and learn his voice leading.

Entitlement Culture

It's funny how your mind can fixated on different things from one day to the next.

Yesterday was Easter and it was a glorious day.  I love Easter.  It is my favorite holiday partly because it means so much (Jesus' death and resurrection is the rock of the Christian faith and is how we can know God!) and partly because the traditions I've been discovering around it (lent fasting, the Pasca (Orthodox Christian) late night celebration) and probably also that is not so commericialized and happens right around the budding of trees and flowers. I took dozens of photos yesterday of our lively church brunch and family get-togethers which I'll try to put up a few of on here in time. For now, I want to turn my thoughts to something I've been pondering most of the day.

As you may know I substitute teach in the Minneapolis Public School Distrist.  Today I returned after a week and a day of spring break.  I ended up in a special education class in North Minneapolis.  There were two black women there who were supposed to be assisting me but they did little.  Not that it mattered too much, the children were very focused and I was actually very impressed by them.  However, it disturbed me how lazy these women felt they could be.  Not only did I have to go over to them and introduce myself when I came in and ask for guidance in the schedule of the day but one woman had the audacity to take a nap while she was sitting in the back of the room and they both were on their cell phones texting or using the internet frequently instead of engaging the students.  These women were probably somewhere in their late twenties to forties (one older, one younger) but they just emanated this sense of entitlement.  Anyhow, it made me wonder why and where the black culture generally gets this attitude.  I know it is not just black people and I am aware that this is a generalization.  Entitlement itself is an issue that pervades the whole culture of the United States of America but happens to particularly be insidious in the black culture.  I found an article from a black website that gave me some insight:
http://www.blackinformant.com/uncategorized/african-americans-and-the-whole-entitlement-thing

My purpose in writing about this is not to judge or continue propagating stereotypes but it is to thoughtfully consider how the black culture in American and the wider culture in general has become so plagued by "entitlement issues."  I know I am not safe from having this attitude at times.  In fact I can pinpoint specific foolish actions I've made in my life that were more based on my attitude of "deserving something" than wisdom.  Entitlement masquerades itself as individuality often.  I'd like to start a dialogue about this because it's something that hurts me to see it's effects (like the negative aspects of the black culture) and honestly, I have a lot to learn about dealing with when I see it in other people (or myself).

 It's interesting to realize that the Bible condemns those who "puff themselves up" but calls the ones who "come as children."  At it's root I think that is the evil of the entitlement attitude.  We are precious and made in the image of God.  We are of amazing value to His Kingdom yet we are sinful and the consequence of sin is death.  We are deserving of death (not the Kingdom) but God gives us the Kingdom.  The only way to enter the second though is to realize the first.

Please share any thoughts about ways we can combat the entitlement attitude in our culture (or other cultures, such as the general black culture of America), churches, homes, schools, and in ourselves.  I genuinely would like to have a thoughtful dialogue about this. 

Coffee and Chocolate

It is lent season.  I am a newbie at observing lent.  Yet I like it. 

I kind of observed lent two years ago trying to give up "criticism" -- honestly one of my flaws in my marriage relationship.  It was actually really good for me to do that.  Last year I gave up facebook which was shockingly easy.  I didn't really want to go on facebook after I made a point not to go on it after two weeks.  I knew I wasn't missing anything.  In fact, going back on facebook was weird.  I realized how surface level it can be and it didn't have much to draw me back in.  I had developed closer relationships with people that I saw in real life -- so it was definitely valuable.  I am on facebook again but generally limit myself to Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday in checking it.  This year I decided to give up my growing coffee addiction and chocolate.  I'll be real in saying that just last week I counted the days and couldn't believe I had so much longer to go.  Haha.

So, as of yet I ate a tiny bit of cacao (which is what chocolate is derived from) in a raw fruit dessert I made for my housemate's birthday.  I honestly didn't know cacao was chocolate until my friends pointed it out to me.  I decided to eat it anyway since it was such a different form and not one I had ever tried that I can remember.  Chocolate has been relatively easy to give up.  Definitely there are times I see something chocolate that I really want -- and I almost justified eating a chocolate mousse because it wasn't a "chocolate bar" -- most of my standard intake of chocolate is.  However, I was convicted by a friend.  Hehe.  Coffee has been a different story.  It's not so much that I crave it.  I do want it sometimes, but more so for the physical/chemical effect it gives -- the zoom.  I have been allowing myself more naps and enjoying that new rhythm.  However, I am grateful it has not been cloudy and instead gloriously sunny lately.

Even though I am doing fine in not having chocolate or coffee I wonder if I am fasting "right".  I don't want to do something legalistically or even just do it out of habit.  I want to be contemplative of why I am doing it.  The idea behind lent as far as I understand it is to sacrifice something as an act of identifying with Jesus Christ who sacrificed his place in heaven (for a time) to be with us on earth and even sacrificed himself for sin so "him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God" (2 Corinthians 5:21).  This is absolutely crazy beautiful.  I want to focus my energy and thoughts on this more.  I want a closer relationship with the Maker of all good things so by giving some up I can appreciate more.

If you wish, what are you doing for lent, if anything?  Why?  How's it going?

"Love Songs"

Earlier this morning I was listening to the "Feist" station on Pandora and I was surprised by how many "love songs" were playing.  I guess I typically avoid that kind of music (even though I do like Feist).  However, It is pretty difficult  to listen to pop music of any kind without hitting a "love song".  Now you many be wondering why I am putting "love song" in quotes.  I felt compelled to put it in the quotations because as I was listening to the lyrics (a very important part of the music for me) I realized just how selfish and childish sounding most of the songs were. They were not so much about love that endures, a love that is faithful like the one described in 1 Corinthians 13, but about a feeling, even sometimes it seemed, just hormonal compulsion, and maybe at it's grandest, a reflection on life.

Now, to many people, maybe this is what "love" is...I don't know.  Yeah, it probably is.  :o( How disappointing and trite if that's what "love" relationships end up being.

I am grateful that Jesus calls me to a much greater love than that.  I am grateful for the imperfection and yet commitment I experience through Chris and my marriage.  We have our struggles but our marriage (our love) is based on something and Someone who created the Heavens and Earth and sustains them by His being.  Our "love" (blast that word, it's been so abused!) is something that expands with us.  It is not in a dream, it is not in a vaccuum.  It is shaped and forged and strengthened and even spilled out in and on a community of friends and family.  

I am going to put all of 1 Corinthians 13 on here and I want to note that I know this isn't about a marriage or love relationship -- but it's explanation of love is the one all kinds of love need -- friendship, family, marriage, community, etc.  How much greater and deeper and richer is that love of Jesus (and how much greater and deeper and richer does it make our lives).

1 Corinthians 13
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice with unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge , it will be done away.  For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.  When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.  For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.  But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; bu the greatest of these is love."

I can finally share my music!

I created a bandcamp page so now folks can listen to some of my music:

http://kimberlystelter.bandcamp.com/album/i-cant-do-anything-without-you

Hopefully the link will work.

I was stuck today by the short biography of St. Anthony in my Common Prayer: A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals book.  Here it is:

Anthony of Egypt (251-336)

Anthony was born in Egypt in the middle of the third century and lost his parents at a young age, inheriting a fair amount of land and wealth.  Soon after, when he heard a gospel reading in church prompting him to "go sell what you possess and give it to the poor," he did just that, vowing to dedicate his life thereafter to God.  Anthony lived for a time in his native home, pursuing prayerful asceticism.  After fifteen years, at the age of thirty-five, he withdrew to the solitude of the desert and began his monastic life of prayer, study and work.  After many years of living in the desert, Anthony remained whole and healthy, and he radiated compassion and joy.  He lived to the age of 105 and is remembered as the father of the church's first monastic movement.

Pretty extraordinary.

Reflecting a bit on his life made me realize how I am not so devoted to God as I would like to portray myself.  I wrote a song called "Devotion" prompted by the Spirit.  I am still working through it but maybe I'll put it on the bandcamp page when I feel ready.  Here is a little taste of some of the lyrics though: 

"You ask me if I truly love You/  Love is not emotion or even a rule/ I must follow You and look the fool/ Feeding sheep, orphans, and widows too."