September 17, 2014 was a life-changing day. September 17, 2014 was a life-giving day for me. Miriam Jubilee Stelter was born!
There is so much to tell but I will try hard to consolidate and tell it well.
I was a week + past due and I went into the clinic to check things out. My parents had just arrived the day before and were here to help should the babe be born soon. At the clinic I found that the fluids in the placenta were much lower than they had been previously and this could be a danger to the baby. Thus, after consulting my parents, my doula Amelia and my man Chris, we decided to go ahead with the induction on September 16.
We went home and ate a heavy meal of black bean/hamburger tacos and I tried to settle down to sleep at 9 p.m. because we were to be at the hospital at the absurdly early hour of 5 a.m. I took a sleeping pill but it didn't kick in for some time. At last I fell asleep and had a handful of hours to gain my strength for the coming adventure. We went in to the hospital bright and much too early trying to make sure we had everything we could possibly need. When we got there they told us we didn't actually need to be there until 7 a.m. Anyway, we got things going a little earlier because of this and it still took us until 7 a.m. to start the pitocin. The morning was fairly uneventful but we called our doula Amelia in and the partner doula came instead, Marie because of various circumstances. We had a terrific, cheerful nurse who was philipino and really down-to-earth. As we came into the afternoon the contractions began to be challenging but I was dealing with them fine. I wasn't making much progress unfortunately and by the time they were getting more and more intense and I just wanted to stop 5 p.m. rolled around and the midwife said to take me off the pitocin so I could eat a good meal and rest for the evening and begin again the next day. My parents brought in chinese food and we went to sleep at 8 p.m.
So the sun rises on September 17, 2014. I am told the doctor from the clinic is coming and wants to break my water. I say we will discuss it when she gets there. Well, she comes and is pretty combative when I ask if it's necessary to get my water broken and find out about the reasons/statistics of it helping. This encounter is very unpleasant but Chris and I decide to get my water broken. Very little fluid leaks out which means that getting the babe out is more urgent than I realized. I start back on the pitocin and things pick up faster but I am still slow in progressing. I move about 1 cm and then stay there. I'm at about 4.5 cm until 3:30 p.m. when after much pain and trying so hard I decide to get an epidural. After the epidural (which Chris questions me about since I had said I originally didn't want one) things go lightning fast! Only 4 hours later I make up all the lost time and I'm fully dilated to a ten! They call the midwife and she gets there about 8 p.m. One blessed thing for sure is that our original doula Amelia ends up being able to be with us as well as Marie at this time. We begin pushing shortly thereafter.
I'm sprawled on the bed with a kajillion wires/monitors but I can change position. It's really hard to know what to do since I still don't have full feeling in my lower half. There are just too many people telling me too many things and the midwife doesn't seem convinced that I am going to deliver naturally as the hours wear on. She asks me about 10:00 if I am willing to keep trying for another hour. I say yes. I am determined but beginning to feel more pain and I need another epidural shot in my side where the pain is beginning to be unbearable and no position seems to help. Getting another flush of the epidural helps and I ask for a mirror and then I see the little hairy head. I am so close! Yet, it's just getting harder and harder to not be completely fatigued. I still have too many people telling me what to do. Finally, around 11 p.m., Dr. Coyle comes in, and as Chris later states, "Once she put on her labor boots I knew she was going to help us do this!" She is a commanding little firecracker of a lady who tells me, "I heard you really want to do this, now let's do it!" and "Poop my fingers out!" It's only a half an hour later and then Miriam Jubilee makes her entrance in a few miraculous minutes coming out like toothpaste out of a tube. She. is. finally. here!
TO BE CONTINUED....
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Babies and change (dime a dozen)
I am trying to capture the thoughts I had swirling in my head as I sat in the bathtub. I don't plan to write a lot but I just wanted to say that,
A. Miriam Jubliee is born! How gracious and wondrous and thunderous an event that was and it's altered our world irrevocably ever since then. I will absolutely tell the story on here at some point, just not now.
B. I am long overdue for a post and I also need to put creativity as a priority even though it's difficult with such a tiny one to care for at all times (literally, all times I am thinking of her at least in the back of my mind, it's really full-on to be a parent).
C. We are going to visit Minnesota soon. In merely a week's time we shall be enveloped in a winter wonderful-land with warm friends and family.
Although my thoughts feel lucid I am writing kind of disjointed. I guess that's okay. I just want to get it all down. I won't apologize anymore.
Having a baby is truly a unique (yet nearly universal strangely) experience. I was just thinking earlier; how is it that every person, every singular soul, came into the world as a small innocent being? It's just completely crazy when one starts to truly ponder it.
Another thought I had worth sharing: since we have come to Virginia I have found my life to be quite different and I'm sure that difference will only be augmented now that we are visiting Minnesota several months after leaving. I am sure I will see things quite peculiarly. I am also confronted with the inevitability of change. A few years ago I thought my life couldn't be much better and I really was thriving and didn't want it to change. Now, it's a few years later and although I miss some things I have grown and others have grown and changed too and we just cannot go back and that's okay. It's been said a bajillion times but I guess that's because it's so true: nothing is constant except change. Right, I guess that leads to theology and thinking on God but that's a whole 'nother post. In a way, though, I guess that's a good note to leave on: I am glad God is a constant in a world of change.
Psalm 46:10
God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
A. Miriam Jubliee is born! How gracious and wondrous and thunderous an event that was and it's altered our world irrevocably ever since then. I will absolutely tell the story on here at some point, just not now.
B. I am long overdue for a post and I also need to put creativity as a priority even though it's difficult with such a tiny one to care for at all times (literally, all times I am thinking of her at least in the back of my mind, it's really full-on to be a parent).
C. We are going to visit Minnesota soon. In merely a week's time we shall be enveloped in a winter wonderful-land with warm friends and family.
Although my thoughts feel lucid I am writing kind of disjointed. I guess that's okay. I just want to get it all down. I won't apologize anymore.
Having a baby is truly a unique (yet nearly universal strangely) experience. I was just thinking earlier; how is it that every person, every singular soul, came into the world as a small innocent being? It's just completely crazy when one starts to truly ponder it.
Another thought I had worth sharing: since we have come to Virginia I have found my life to be quite different and I'm sure that difference will only be augmented now that we are visiting Minnesota several months after leaving. I am sure I will see things quite peculiarly. I am also confronted with the inevitability of change. A few years ago I thought my life couldn't be much better and I really was thriving and didn't want it to change. Now, it's a few years later and although I miss some things I have grown and others have grown and changed too and we just cannot go back and that's okay. It's been said a bajillion times but I guess that's because it's so true: nothing is constant except change. Right, I guess that leads to theology and thinking on God but that's a whole 'nother post. In a way, though, I guess that's a good note to leave on: I am glad God is a constant in a world of change.
Psalm 46:10
God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Sittin' in the front yard: a world view
I am sitting in the front yard because my internet (which we had shared with a neighbor) is no longer working. Our neighbor is trying to figure out how to get cheaper service so there's a lull. However, when I sit in the front I can "steal" the internet from the library. It's not super consistent but it works pretty well so that's what I've been doing the past few days.
Anyway, I was just thinking amused to myself that if I didn't have this problem I would not have seen as many people walk by and I would not have realized what a (sometimes literally) colorful part of the city this can be. We are on a main street AKA Main St., in fact, and I'm sure I've seen a handful of homeless folks as well as neighbors and our neighbor (directly next to us) has a hair cutting business so I talked with one of her clients who was smoking outside all about natural birth and his theory of the danger of doctors ironically. Sometimes being inconvenienced is way to shake me out of my stupor and make me realize the world is bigger than what I typically see.
Anyway, I was just thinking amused to myself that if I didn't have this problem I would not have seen as many people walk by and I would not have realized what a (sometimes literally) colorful part of the city this can be. We are on a main street AKA Main St., in fact, and I'm sure I've seen a handful of homeless folks as well as neighbors and our neighbor (directly next to us) has a hair cutting business so I talked with one of her clients who was smoking outside all about natural birth and his theory of the danger of doctors ironically. Sometimes being inconvenienced is way to shake me out of my stupor and make me realize the world is bigger than what I typically see.
Friday, August 8, 2014
Surrender and Sacrifice
I am in week 36 of pregnancy as of tomorrow. 4 more weeks til full term!
Last week, something pretty astonishing happened to me. I felt God directing me that we should go a Mennonite church we had visited once before but weeks earlier and we went. After the service there was a potluck (which always indicates this is a good church to me) and we stayed for it, naturally. After the potluck two ladies came up to me and began some casual conversation with me about how long we'd been in there area, where we were from, my pregnancy, etc. Then, it seemed out of the blue they said, "We were wondering if you would mind if we threw a baby shower for you." I was shocked and flattered. I think I mumbled something like, "Well, yeah, that would be great." I then backtracked a little and mentioned how I had showers in Minnesota when we were there so I didn't need very much but if they just wanted throw me a little party where I could hear from other ladies/moms I wouldn't mind one bit. Anyway, long story short we exchanged phone numbers and they said they'd call me about more details, etc., later. I pretty much can't get over how kind they are and then later I call one of them saying I think it'd be great if they just wanted to bring some meals over after the baby is born but I don't need a shower. She replies, "Well, honestly, that is a separate thing we would do for you anyway." Ok....wow. I have never met such generous, welcoming people in my life. Well, okay then. Despite my inhibitions and second guesses about nearly everything: I think I'm supposed to go this church, hahah.
So, today I went out to lunch with two of the ladies (one in charge of the shower idea) and they are both likely twice my age (at least they have children about my age). It's very nice but one thing I noticed is that while I did a lot of talking about myself and Chris it seemed mostly they talked about their kids who are in their 20s-30s. I felt puzzled for a while -- what about them? What do they like to do? It felt awkward to realize that their children are such a part of their life and and an extension of their life that it probably feels more natural for them to talk about them rather than themselves. I am so near entering their world and it is startling to me. I talk to a younger friend (in her 20s) later during the day and I realize afterwards that I dominated the conversation with talk about the pregnancy/giving birth. Now, I'm not saying that once you give birth to a child that yourself is swallowed up and you don't have any identity apart from that, BUT it is clearly a life-altering event. It redefines and reshapes you in a way that almost nothing else does. I state this, but this is only theory for me at this point.
I am on the threshold of such a change. I will be surrendering to the process of birth itself and then the sacrifice of having to care for and aid a little human being in it's wonderful development will begin. I expect that it will be joyful but difficult. I expect that I will feel literally insane at times for all the effort it will take but I also know that God will be guiding and maybe these ladies coming into my life at this time is exactly what I'd been praying for all along. I think it's crucial for Chris and I to realize we are far from alone in this and I think it will enable us to see the beauty in the giving of ourselves as parents.
Last week, something pretty astonishing happened to me. I felt God directing me that we should go a Mennonite church we had visited once before but weeks earlier and we went. After the service there was a potluck (which always indicates this is a good church to me) and we stayed for it, naturally. After the potluck two ladies came up to me and began some casual conversation with me about how long we'd been in there area, where we were from, my pregnancy, etc. Then, it seemed out of the blue they said, "We were wondering if you would mind if we threw a baby shower for you." I was shocked and flattered. I think I mumbled something like, "Well, yeah, that would be great." I then backtracked a little and mentioned how I had showers in Minnesota when we were there so I didn't need very much but if they just wanted throw me a little party where I could hear from other ladies/moms I wouldn't mind one bit. Anyway, long story short we exchanged phone numbers and they said they'd call me about more details, etc., later. I pretty much can't get over how kind they are and then later I call one of them saying I think it'd be great if they just wanted to bring some meals over after the baby is born but I don't need a shower. She replies, "Well, honestly, that is a separate thing we would do for you anyway." Ok....wow. I have never met such generous, welcoming people in my life. Well, okay then. Despite my inhibitions and second guesses about nearly everything: I think I'm supposed to go this church, hahah.
So, today I went out to lunch with two of the ladies (one in charge of the shower idea) and they are both likely twice my age (at least they have children about my age). It's very nice but one thing I noticed is that while I did a lot of talking about myself and Chris it seemed mostly they talked about their kids who are in their 20s-30s. I felt puzzled for a while -- what about them? What do they like to do? It felt awkward to realize that their children are such a part of their life and and an extension of their life that it probably feels more natural for them to talk about them rather than themselves. I am so near entering their world and it is startling to me. I talk to a younger friend (in her 20s) later during the day and I realize afterwards that I dominated the conversation with talk about the pregnancy/giving birth. Now, I'm not saying that once you give birth to a child that yourself is swallowed up and you don't have any identity apart from that, BUT it is clearly a life-altering event. It redefines and reshapes you in a way that almost nothing else does. I state this, but this is only theory for me at this point.
I am on the threshold of such a change. I will be surrendering to the process of birth itself and then the sacrifice of having to care for and aid a little human being in it's wonderful development will begin. I expect that it will be joyful but difficult. I expect that I will feel literally insane at times for all the effort it will take but I also know that God will be guiding and maybe these ladies coming into my life at this time is exactly what I'd been praying for all along. I think it's crucial for Chris and I to realize we are far from alone in this and I think it will enable us to see the beauty in the giving of ourselves as parents.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Pregnancy
I am at the 34.5 week mark in my pregnancy today. I have approximately 5.5 more weeks to go! Lately, I have been feeling the babe move around quite a lot. It's impossible to ignore -- they are no longer like "butterflies." I am experiencing having a vital little person inside of me! I vividly imagined it's little face and hands moving down inside of me when I woke up for a minute last night and had the sensation of that movement. It is surreal.
According to Babycenter.com the baby is about 4.75 pounds and about 18 inches long. The baby is getting fat layers to fill it out and if it was born between now and 37 weeks (without other complications) it would be fine but need to spend a little extra time in the hospital and maybe have a few short-term health issues. So, in other words, basically, the baby could be here at any time!
Chris and I do not feel prepared to welcome the baby just yet and we are more than happy to wait the additional weeks until full gestation. However, as the days go by we are realizing our need to prepare and doing things little by little. We still need to buy a few things that are pretty important and we need to get the room in overall order. I intend to make Montessori mobiles for the baby. We are going to have to change our lifestyle in other ways too. Chris will need to go to work earlier and come home earlier and I know we will be lacking sleep especially the first several weeks. Thankfully, we have both sets of parents who will be coming from Minnesota (switching off when one leaves the other set will come) to help us in the initial craziness! I am so grateful for that.
Anyway, very soon we will be welcoming a new little person into the world! It's going to be quite the adventure for both us and him (or her)! Please pray for us if you are reading this. Thank you!
According to Babycenter.com the baby is about 4.75 pounds and about 18 inches long. The baby is getting fat layers to fill it out and if it was born between now and 37 weeks (without other complications) it would be fine but need to spend a little extra time in the hospital and maybe have a few short-term health issues. So, in other words, basically, the baby could be here at any time!
Chris and I do not feel prepared to welcome the baby just yet and we are more than happy to wait the additional weeks until full gestation. However, as the days go by we are realizing our need to prepare and doing things little by little. We still need to buy a few things that are pretty important and we need to get the room in overall order. I intend to make Montessori mobiles for the baby. We are going to have to change our lifestyle in other ways too. Chris will need to go to work earlier and come home earlier and I know we will be lacking sleep especially the first several weeks. Thankfully, we have both sets of parents who will be coming from Minnesota (switching off when one leaves the other set will come) to help us in the initial craziness! I am so grateful for that.
Anyway, very soon we will be welcoming a new little person into the world! It's going to be quite the adventure for both us and him (or her)! Please pray for us if you are reading this. Thank you!
Thursday, July 3, 2014
I like giants
Last night I slept little because sometimes I give into anxiousness (I don't really know how to get away from it at times really). Thankfully I was able to sleep in so I did get a decent amount.
I was feeling a little like a wreck and decided I needed to sing and play ukulele because it is cathartic for me at times. I just played and sang some songs I hadn't touched for a while, surrendering to God and acknowledging my weakness. I found the song "I Like Giants" in my arsenal of songs and decided I would do that one too. I remember playing it last year at the Women's Craft Collective kind of shyly as people did the crafting and feeling the power of the truth in that simple rather quirky song. Later, in the summer, after my good friend Joi took her own life, the words had even greater meaning. So in a matter of half a week it will be the one year mark from when Joi did take her life and I feel it's important to remember and share the precious beauty we lost.
I guess the lyrics that really get me are:
So I talked to Genevieve and almost cried when she said
That the giant on the cliff wished that she were dead
And the lemmings on the cliff wished that they were dead
So the giant told the lemmings why they ought to live instead
Then she thought up all those reasons that they ought to live instead
It made her reconsider all the sad thoughts in her head
So thank you Genevieve, cause you take what's in your head
And you make things that are so beautiful and share them with your friends
I definitely started crying when I sang them. To me, those lyrics fit Joi so well in the way she encouraged others even in her despair. I guess I just want to share this song and my thoughts because I know there are plenty of people out there that still have the sad thought that lie to them about how important (and LOVED!) they are. I want people to realize they are important no matter what their own thoughts (or others) tell them. I will always miss Joi and wonder what could have been. I know that she is with Jesus and that is comforting. Yet, we still miss her and always will.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Down South (as opposed to Up North)
It's been quite a while since I've updated my blog. I have been living in Virginia (Newport News, VA to be precise) about a month and half now and just getting adjusted to everything. Chris got a fantastic job here so here we are.
Anyway, I want to write a longer post about all of our transitions but first off I wanted to give a tip of my hat, so to speak, to the kind of southern hospitality/friendliness that I've experienced. I guess growing up in Minnesota I always expected people to be more reserved and so as I've been here just a little while I have seen the way it can be different. I am blessed by little encounters with people who I barely know. For example:
1. When Chris and I went to a restaurant and were very hungry (hangry!) the waitress gave us a free garlic bread appetizer before our pizza came. She also chatted us up and tried to find out the radio station for us and encouraged us and told us we were going to be good parents as she noted my pregnancy.
2. Just yesterday I was walking in the horrid heat and a man pulled over asking if I wanted a ride. I declined since I was getting close to my destination but I although that could have been creepy I thought it was cool.
3. Again, yesterday when I was at the grocery store and picking up about half a dozen items the lady in front of me who maybe had 10 things asked if I wanted to go ahead of her (and she had two children to boot!). I graciously accepted the offer and was a little stunned about it.
4. Today, at the farmer's market, a lady who sells jam and salsa asked me if my water bottle was full and then gave me a bunch of ice from her cooler in my water bottle as well as a wet washcloth. So sweet.
These are just a few examples and I can easily think of more but I just wanted to say that I really like the "hospitality" culture here and hope that I can learn from it. I do think Chris and I are rather friendly folks overall but I have a tendency to be more reserved and reluctant to show small acts of kindness, friendliness or appreciation like some of these folks have shown me here. I hope to learn to get over my "inwardness" and be more like Jesus to all people and not just my friends.
Anyway, I want to write a longer post about all of our transitions but first off I wanted to give a tip of my hat, so to speak, to the kind of southern hospitality/friendliness that I've experienced. I guess growing up in Minnesota I always expected people to be more reserved and so as I've been here just a little while I have seen the way it can be different. I am blessed by little encounters with people who I barely know. For example:
1. When Chris and I went to a restaurant and were very hungry (hangry!) the waitress gave us a free garlic bread appetizer before our pizza came. She also chatted us up and tried to find out the radio station for us and encouraged us and told us we were going to be good parents as she noted my pregnancy.
2. Just yesterday I was walking in the horrid heat and a man pulled over asking if I wanted a ride. I declined since I was getting close to my destination but I although that could have been creepy I thought it was cool.
3. Again, yesterday when I was at the grocery store and picking up about half a dozen items the lady in front of me who maybe had 10 things asked if I wanted to go ahead of her (and she had two children to boot!). I graciously accepted the offer and was a little stunned about it.
4. Today, at the farmer's market, a lady who sells jam and salsa asked me if my water bottle was full and then gave me a bunch of ice from her cooler in my water bottle as well as a wet washcloth. So sweet.
These are just a few examples and I can easily think of more but I just wanted to say that I really like the "hospitality" culture here and hope that I can learn from it. I do think Chris and I are rather friendly folks overall but I have a tendency to be more reserved and reluctant to show small acts of kindness, friendliness or appreciation like some of these folks have shown me here. I hope to learn to get over my "inwardness" and be more like Jesus to all people and not just my friends.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Birthdays/The Mystery of the Flowers
Yesterday was my birthday. 31 times around the sun. Woah!
I wanted to write about a peculiar occurrence though -- not my birthday.
I decided I needed to get outside (a common need for me) and so I went to a little place called Riverside Park where there is an amphitheater and a playground and all that sort of good stuff. I went there to just be outside though and I usually go down this boat dock that leads to the river and a tunnel that empties into the Minnesota river. I stepped gingerly down the snowy/muddy cement (for real, I could have been sliding the whole way down if I had not been careful!).
As I got closer to the river I was stunned to find a gorgeous bouquet of flowers gracing the muddy banks. They weren't just supermarket flowers -- they were clearly arranged by a professional with blazes of orange, pink, white, red, yellow and light green mingled together. There were sunflowers, roses, carnations, lilies, etc. I picked them up gently and one of the small carnations rolled out. I set them back down and wondered at the prospect of these gorgeous flowers being here. Why would someone put them here? Was my husband hiding in the snowy tall grass? (Well, no, I knew that was impossible since he would have no way of knowing I'd be there and he didn't have a car). What could make someone abandon these glorious blooms to a muddy bank? I thought it over and although it was my birthday I felt certain in my heart these flowers weren't serendipitously waiting for me.
I thought of the time God prompted me to buy a rose for an older lady from my church I was going to help clean and pack things for her move -- I did -- and when I gave it to her she said, "Oh, thank you, it's my birthday!" However, this was not the same and I knew these were not my flowers. I wondered if they were some way of remembering a friend who had died (perhaps in the river?). I thought of my good friend Joi who passed on this last summer and it sent a chill through me. Could it be? I sat by the river on a rock watching the ice float by in the waters. It was so very strange. It just didn't make sense (or rather I didn't want it to because I wanted the flowers). So, even though I knew I shouldn't take the whole bouquet I reasoned to myself that I could just pick one. They weren't going to last forever anyway and I figured maybe they were kind of for me. I choose a vivid yellow sunflower wishing the gray skies gone. I held it in my hand admiringly and as I set my resolve I slowly climbed up the hill avoiding the mudslide.
As I climbed the bank I noticed a blue truck parked overlooking the river too and felt nervous that what I was doing was wrong and they might notice. However, as I trudged on Chris gave me a call and so I was distracted by answering it. A small young woman was sitting on the just on the outside edge of the drivers seat of her blue rusty truck and watching me. She had dark hair and a sullen look on her face. I set the sunflower on a picnic table as if to forfeit the prize as I talked to Chris and then when I was done with the call picked it up again and warily walked toward her and my car watching to see if I should ask her about the flowers. She watched me silently and then as I came closer she shut herself inside her car door. I couldn't help but feel that maybe she had put the flowers down there. If she had I was guilty and I knew it. If she hadn't maybe I was still guilty -- I don't know. Someone had apparently set them there for a reason but I thought I was above whatever that reason might be. Yes, it had just begun snowing and they'd be covered soon. Yet, even as I drove away with my rationalization I still felt guilt. I felt like maybe I had taken part of someone's memorial. So, even as I showed Chris the sunflower and put it in water I took it with in the car as we went out. I thought maybe I could return it. Well, I didn't. Perhaps it is too late but I dearly hope that young woman was only gawking at me slightly because a sunflower in mid March is unnatural and unexpected and not because I had taken something away from her.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
At the Back of the North Wind
I wrote this outside (it's actually warm enough now!) mere minutes ago:
Isn't it strange how you can feel so close to someone and yet also feel that there is a distance in understanding?
It is strange and it's also strange how my life is so topsy-turvy. It is changing rapidly and the funny thing is that I am aware of this and still I can scarcely really see all the changes. It's like I am sprinting through a park and I am conscious that the scenery and my relation to the landscape is fluctuating yet it is only by intuition of the feel of the ground and quick flashes of what's around me that I can take in.
"I'm on my way/I don't know where I'm going/I'm on my way/I'm taking my time but I don't know where..."
-from the song Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard by Simon and Garfunkel
Yes, and as much as I know it is necessary to plan and try to make things "work"; there is a part of me that just feels it is impossible and would rather be taken up by the wind.
Again, it reminds me of another piece of art: George MacDonald's novel "At the Back of the North Wind" which has a Great Lady character known as North Wind who blows the protagonist, a young boy named Diamond, to different places to teach him trust in her and about what life is. It's a truly remarkable story. It is one of my very favorites without doubt. I do need to trust you, God. Help me to trust your Great North Wind.
Isn't it strange how you can feel so close to someone and yet also feel that there is a distance in understanding?
It is strange and it's also strange how my life is so topsy-turvy. It is changing rapidly and the funny thing is that I am aware of this and still I can scarcely really see all the changes. It's like I am sprinting through a park and I am conscious that the scenery and my relation to the landscape is fluctuating yet it is only by intuition of the feel of the ground and quick flashes of what's around me that I can take in.
"I'm on my way/I don't know where I'm going/I'm on my way/I'm taking my time but I don't know where..."
-from the song Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard by Simon and Garfunkel
Yes, and as much as I know it is necessary to plan and try to make things "work"; there is a part of me that just feels it is impossible and would rather be taken up by the wind.
Again, it reminds me of another piece of art: George MacDonald's novel "At the Back of the North Wind" which has a Great Lady character known as North Wind who blows the protagonist, a young boy named Diamond, to different places to teach him trust in her and about what life is. It's a truly remarkable story. It is one of my very favorites without doubt. I do need to trust you, God. Help me to trust your Great North Wind.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Tomorrow and Then Some
Tomorrow is another day. It is...Joi O'Dell's would-have-been 29th birthday. Strangely, I had to look at the funeral program to confirm it is her birthday. I knew it was soon but she never wanted people to know when so it has been fuzzy to me. My grief has been accentuated as so many changes have been happening and I wept realizing that I would have liked to share them with her but, alas, she is not here. I would like to tell her about Chris' new job and hear her reaction about him working at NASA! She would be so proud of him too. She would be sad that we will have to move to Virginia but happy for us too. I would have liked to let her know I am pregnant and invited her to my baby shower. She would probably have made me something or buy something extra geeky. The party would be more goofy and brighter with her. In short, I miss her.
I miss her and I am looking toward the future but feeling a strong, strong pull to taste this present. I know...it will be good. I know...it is a blessing. Yet, I will miss so much that I am leaving. It's tearing at my heart.
I do think this time of "transition" in Mankato has been hard for me but it's also been a sort of waiting room too. It's been the in-between being far-away and yet being accessible to our dear friends and family. Once we move out of state we'll really have to say "see you later." Our saving grace will no longer be an hour and a half trip up 169. We'll really be on our own. God, go with us, please....meet us there in the lives and hearts of friends we haven't met. Weave into our unending tapestries that are already so breath-taking and make them even more rich and beloved.
I miss her and I am looking toward the future but feeling a strong, strong pull to taste this present. I know...it will be good. I know...it is a blessing. Yet, I will miss so much that I am leaving. It's tearing at my heart.
I do think this time of "transition" in Mankato has been hard for me but it's also been a sort of waiting room too. It's been the in-between being far-away and yet being accessible to our dear friends and family. Once we move out of state we'll really have to say "see you later." Our saving grace will no longer be an hour and a half trip up 169. We'll really be on our own. God, go with us, please....meet us there in the lives and hearts of friends we haven't met. Weave into our unending tapestries that are already so breath-taking and make them even more rich and beloved.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Mankater ain't so bad
Anyone who knows me knows that last year I undeniably struggled with being in Mankato. Chris and I went up to the Cities an average of every other week and we didn't feel at home here much (ahem, partly for that reason). We didn't get to know more than a few people even with trying to be intentionally involved in our church. It was kind of just the way things were.
It's taken almost a year (and in truth it has only been a full year since I've actually lived here because summer was taken in the Cities for me and in Cleveland for Chris doing his internship) to feel "home" -- and I still mean that in transient way. My home will always first and foremost be with the people I love (who are by and large in the Twin Cities) and I will always hold affection and admiration for my favorite city of them all -- Minneapolis -- yet I've come to peace with being here. While I was walking I mentally made a list of some things I am keen on about Mankater (Mankato).
1. People are really, truly unpretentious.
2. Some people who have lived here a long time are called "townies." Apparently, the most townies you can see are located at Wagon Wheel Cafe which is a throwback in itself. http://www.yelp.com/biz/wagon-wheel-cafe-mankato
3. It's quiet and I feel safe almost 100% of the time. I don't even worry if I leave my door unlocked by accident.
4. The hills make me feel like I get more of a workout even if I'm just walking. Also, they make the landscape more interesting and more beautiful.
5. There are some cool parks and walking trails around here: Sibley Park, Rasmussen Woods, Red Jacket Trail.
6. There is a really great college/local radio station which I can tune into and hear almost anything. I like it because it almost always surprises me and there are "real" people doing the programming. KMSU 89.7.
7. This exists: http://wowzonefec.com/ It is like a rebirth of childhood/adolescent birthday parties for adults (and their kids too if they have some). Pretty sweet.
I'm sure I can think of more but right now I'm going to stop at seven because it's a good number, ya'll. Mostly, I just wanted to explain that I appreciate Mankato and some reasons why.
It's taken almost a year (and in truth it has only been a full year since I've actually lived here because summer was taken in the Cities for me and in Cleveland for Chris doing his internship) to feel "home" -- and I still mean that in transient way. My home will always first and foremost be with the people I love (who are by and large in the Twin Cities) and I will always hold affection and admiration for my favorite city of them all -- Minneapolis -- yet I've come to peace with being here. While I was walking I mentally made a list of some things I am keen on about Mankater (Mankato).
1. People are really, truly unpretentious.
2. Some people who have lived here a long time are called "townies." Apparently, the most townies you can see are located at Wagon Wheel Cafe which is a throwback in itself. http://www.yelp.com/biz/wagon-wheel-cafe-mankato
3. It's quiet and I feel safe almost 100% of the time. I don't even worry if I leave my door unlocked by accident.
4. The hills make me feel like I get more of a workout even if I'm just walking. Also, they make the landscape more interesting and more beautiful.
5. There are some cool parks and walking trails around here: Sibley Park, Rasmussen Woods, Red Jacket Trail.
6. There is a really great college/local radio station which I can tune into and hear almost anything. I like it because it almost always surprises me and there are "real" people doing the programming. KMSU 89.7.
7. This exists: http://wowzonefec.com/ It is like a rebirth of childhood/adolescent birthday parties for adults (and their kids too if they have some). Pretty sweet.
I'm sure I can think of more but right now I'm going to stop at seven because it's a good number, ya'll. Mostly, I just wanted to explain that I appreciate Mankato and some reasons why.
Friday, January 24, 2014
What does it mean to follow Jesus?
Clearing my head as I took a walk today (good for the body and the soul) in the rather mild winter weather I had some "Jesus" existential questions circling around my spirit: what am I doing? What are my motives to what I do? Am I following Love/Jesus?
Some events in my life have forced me to look at the grander view of things. I see I am part of something immensely bigger than myself. Part of this is also the fault of reading "Jesus for President" by Shane Claiborne and Chris Haw. The last section is all about what the praxis (the practical life) side of being a Christian might look like and he suggests things like finding ways creative ways to use renewable resources, being pacifist, etc. So these questions did not come uninitiated. The truth is a lot of my life feels very superficial but there must be a deeper meaning behind what I'm doing or I am doing it in vain. I simple cannot afford to live my life in a trite way. I need to seek God with every bit of my being and that means that the questions: What am I doing and why? as well as Am I following Jesus with this? are meant to be asked over and over again.
Some events in my life have forced me to look at the grander view of things. I see I am part of something immensely bigger than myself. Part of this is also the fault of reading "Jesus for President" by Shane Claiborne and Chris Haw. The last section is all about what the praxis (the practical life) side of being a Christian might look like and he suggests things like finding ways creative ways to use renewable resources, being pacifist, etc. So these questions did not come uninitiated. The truth is a lot of my life feels very superficial but there must be a deeper meaning behind what I'm doing or I am doing it in vain. I simple cannot afford to live my life in a trite way. I need to seek God with every bit of my being and that means that the questions: What am I doing and why? as well as Am I following Jesus with this? are meant to be asked over and over again.
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