I walked along the main drag near my home today with my 10 month old son and nearly 3 year old daughter in tow. We were in search of joyous things for a 3 year old boy's birthday. Balloons, toys, etc. We walked to a flower shop that sells balloons but they were out for delivery so we went to a home consignment shop near by, looked around, and came back. On the way I noticed an old grandfatherly man sitting on a bench outside the store, very weathered looking and likely homeless. I tried to say hi half-heartedly but he didn't seem to hear. I kept going on, feeling uncomfortable at the proof of poverty this man showed me by his very presence. A stab into my comfortable world. As we turned around from the flower shop again realizing they weren't open I talked to my 2 year old daughter of going to the children's consignment shop about 2 blocks away to find a toy instead of a balloon. She agreed and we walked by the old man slowly again as one does with a child, I hesitated thinking to maybe offer to help him somehow as I saw that he was now trying to stand but it looked like he wasn't going to be successful at it. He had a cane and two band aids on his legs and he wobbled slightly as he tried to gain enough balance to fully stand. My mind argued with my heart and I reasoned that I couldn't do anything practical to help him. Even if I helped him walk where would he go? I couldn't do that, I thought to myself. Not with two little ones, and maybe he wouldn't even want my help....so onward we went and I turned back to see him sitting on the bench again and I felt that my decision was okay.
Nearly 30 minutes passed as we went in search of treasures to get and give at the children's consignment shop. I found some delightful presents for two birthday babes and felt that our excursion had been successful. Soon we were on the road again and I thought it would be a good idea to go back past the flower shop again just in case they were there now. How fun it would be to give a balloon! As we crossed the street I saw an ambulance and a policeman and an EMT standing by the bench where the old man had been sitting. My heart dropped. Oh my God, what happened? I said nothing but hurried toward to scene thinking how foolish I had been to not even offer my help in the least. Was I heartless? What could have happened to this man? Did he fall? Did he have a stroke? Was he dead? I'll bet he was a veteran as well as homeless and I felt hesitant to help him even more so because he was wearing patriotic clothing and I call myself a pacifist. How sick is my heart! I asked the two helpers standing there, feeling foolish but desperate, "What happened here?!" They pretended not to hear me (I think) so I asked again, frantically, "What happened?" The police officer turned to face me and said, "Oh, someone was just not feeling good and so we came out." The most simple, non-offensive answer he could muster to save face for the children I suppose. Someone was not feeling good, so we came out. I don't know what I thought then except I was sure now it was the old grandfatherly man. It must have been and I thought about him struggling to live inside the ambulance.
Every day there are forgotten people on the street. I can walk past them at the library or walk past the mental health institution for some of these forgotten people who "live" there as well and sometimes roam our area. It is so easy to go on "forgetting" them - even when it looks obvious that they need help of some sort. What can I do? I have children, I'm looking after them, I can think and I can reason and I can justify my ignoring and forgetting about the people who are like children and yet not, people who are not desirable to love, people who have weathered countless storms who are most likely responsible for some of them and many of them simply because the world is broken and still they are in need and that need is not going away just because I chose not to see it. I can make myself more uncomfortable, I can be like Jesus and show them my face and not turn away like I did today. I don't know how things would have been different but I'm betting God's Kingdom would be ushered in somehow. For now, this tragedy is unearthing the hardness of my heart and at least a little Kingdom work is being done. Please make my heart soft soil, King of all creation, King of all people whose salvation is for everybody, not just some. King of all creation whose salvation is for now, not later at a more convenient time.
