Life is good...

I don't know why I'm posting other than it's been a long time and my last post was kind of depressing/desperate and I want to report that I am doing much better and God is very good and I'm realizing that more and more and my innate need for all things HIM.

Church is going much better.  I talked to a lovely lady from there about such things and it really helped me put things in perspective.  The last few weeks have been really good just because I think I've let go of some things and also opened myself up more to the Holy Spirit working in me.  I think I might quit playing music with the worship music team, but I haven't decided yet.  As much as I love doing it and I am sometimes very blessed to do it, I think God may want to take me a different direction with those talents and have me "relax" more at church and receive more.  I just played a couple of songs at an Alpha course yesterday for the transition time and although I was very shy about doing it I think it went well overall.  I really do like sharing music with people.  Zoo Animal has inspired me a lot (if you haven't heard of them or any of their music, definitely go to http://www.myspace.com/zooanimalsound
I and a few friends went to a show of those the other week and it was great.  Most of all, the frontwoman, Holly Newsom, is wonderfully real in her lyrics which happen to talk about God and life and it inspires me.  Their music and the energy behind it is just terrific too.  Yeah.
Chris and I also got to talk with a couple from church about some things in our marriage and it was really good.  I am so glad we have people we can go deeper with and trust about the heavy things.  I am also really glad for the wisdom they have to give and the experiences they have to share with us that makes us feel like we're not freaks but just people with strengths and weaknesses and inevitably in need of God's grace (like everyone).

I don't know what else to say.  There are so many things I've blessed with lately and I'm grateful for them all.  Volunteering at preschools where kids are so sweet and endearing, parents who are fun to hang out with, a husband who is my best friend, friends who grow better each day, etc. I do know that  I've got to get out into the sunshine but here's a little something I wrote last week.  It's not great, but it's something.   I want to post more poetry but I've been writing songs mostly lately which don't translate as well on a soundless page :0).  Anyway:

Sipping weak coffee
Listening to a man with an African accent get upset at a couple of young adults in a special education program


My life
Strange images, sounds, sensations


But an opportunity,
To breathe, to think, to ponder, to marvel, to analyze


Lives of others 
With mine diverging and colliding quickly, quietly
Disconnected, yet touching 

James 3:15-18

But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth.

15

Wisdom of this kind does not come down from above but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic.

16

For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every foul practice.

17

But the wisdom from above is first of all pure, then peaceable, gentle, compliant, full of mercy and good fruits, without inconstancy or insincerity.

18

And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace for those who cultivate peace.

I came home from church tonight and I was thinking about my attitude, my heart during our gathering tonight, and while it was not always like v.15 above, too much of the time it was like that.  I think God put this verse in my head to make me realize again how it is not pleasing to Him.  I really need help, God.  I can't do it on my own.  I can't do anything, much less any good, without You.  

It's so hard sometimes.  I don't know why these feelings come up about church.  It could be things are unhealthy, or it's spiritual attack, or both.  It could be that this is bound to happen in any group of people I adhere to for a time.  I will feel some bitterness, some jealousy, and I will have some selfish ambition....but it's not what I want even though it's what I have.  

I want to have pure, peaceable, gentle, compliant (well, actually, I'm so stubborn and independent minded I don't want to be compliant right now), but I definitely want to be merciful.  I also don't want to be insincere....but it's hard when I know these feelings/thoughts are so wrong.  It'd be easy to be sincere if I had a good heart.  Hmmm....

I just don't know.  I've been thinking of other churches with such admiration, but I know at the end of the day all churches are made of people and we are all sinners.  We will always disappoint one another sometimes.  We will always strain with each other sometimes.  It's not that I don't love my church, I guess I just have these things come up in my spirit that I just don't know how to deal with between other people and myself.  It doesn't feel like a "safe place" for me to be myself.  And by that I don't mean tell all about my crap, but I do mean even just feel like I am understood and respected.  I especially need to know that my contribution means something (selfish ambition perhaps...or not?).  It is so hard to know sometimes.  I love my church (there are many good things about it and the people it's made from), and yet I struggle to love it.  The problem may be that I question if I should be somewhere else.  I guess if you're reading this right now, pray for me in this respect.  Thank you.  I do feel better just writing this.

Thinkin' Time

With the constant distractions of life and technology sometimes it seems like my brain gets short-wired and I don't really think, I don't let my mind meander or even just experience the moment.

I went on a short walk tonight amid the hectic pace of my duties (I was baking some din-din in the oven), and lo and behold, there was a very full moon gracing the night sky.  It was beautiful and it made me feel safer as I walked along the street.  I have decided I need to intentionally get out and be active more (although I do this sometimes, lately I'd become kind of lazy).  Definitely, it is cold outside, but it's not that bad when you're moving and you're not out there forever.  After all, that's why long underwear was made.  :0)

So, as I strolled I found myself having thoughts (yes thoughts!) that I didn't even know I had.  I feel like it's so easy to sit under an umbrella of sudden feelings, sudden thoughts, and constant distraction (especially from the internet and sometimes other people) and almost never know what you yourself are truly thinking and feeling.  I was glad to get out from under that umbrella for at least 20 minutes and experience the cool winter air and gorgeous sky.

Rhythms

So, I used to have a thing for drummers.

However, I am not talking about those kind of rhythms.  ;0)

I don't know why I feel the need to start this blog out in the cheesiest possible way, but I guess it's because I am blogging on so little time and not much ambition.  (sheepish smile)

I was walking through the winter darkness to my neighbor's house to return the spare set of keys that she lent me (she is kind of our landlady's caretaker) because earlier I locked my keys in the garage.  Anyhow, something about being outside in the serenity of evening in a working-class Minneapolis neighborhood in January makes me contemplative.  Maybe it is the stillness, maybe it is the coolness of the air, or the lights in the windows of the cozy little houses, but it gathers my thoughts together and makes me just be.

I have a rather erratic schedule as a substitute teacher but I realized that I still have rhythms.  There are still things in my life that I do each day (or week, or season) to help me find my place.  Some examples: for the last few months I have been volunteering at a preschool on Tuesdays.  I also have worship music practice on Tuesday, late afternoonish/early eveningish.  On Fridays there is church in the evening, on Saturday nights is Jesus Kitchen, and on Sundays and Saturdays Chris and I always sleep in and are usually pretty free-spirited about our plans (which is kind of like our way of giving ourselves a Sabbath I guess).  ;0)  So, I guess weekly my rhythms are pretty steady.  However, even in the day to day things I find myself in patterns.  Even if I don't have much time I always eat breakfast...and I cherish what little time I do have in the morning.  Before I go to bed I usually read or journal.   I love to pray with Chris too whenever that works out (which is most nights).  Admittedly, I also usually go on Facebook when I get home from work!  I want to change this habit to something like taking a walk outside or reading from the Bible or even, "gasp" writing creatively!

Yeah.  What kind of rhythms do you have in your life?  What kind of rhythms do you want?

I also find it very interesting that everything in the natural world sustains an ebb and flow (hey, that's actually taken from wordage about water).  Water, seasons, planets, animals, people even, yes, us.  We've been created to keep rhythm.

small things with great love

I've been reading "The Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne and it's simultaneously very challenging and very inspiring.  One of the people he quotes in his book is Mother Teresa (who he "interned" with in Calcutta for a summer), she emphasizes that we do "small things with great love" rather than focusing on doing "big" things with little love.  That is something I've been thinking about and trying to practice lately.  I have found myself doing this as I just take each day as it comes (although to be real sometimes I also fail miserably).

Today I substitute taught in a school that I always brace myself for because there is bound to be chaos and lots of misbehavior.  However, I felt like today went rather well considering.  I actually got some help from a social worker who sat in a majority of the classes leading one of the reading groups.  It helped tremendously to have her there!  Also, I had a few bright points in my day where I got to share personally with the kids (middle schoolers).  I introduced myself to this general "advisory" class that is supposed to focus on study skills and the like and I actually told them I like substitute teaching because it's different every day and I like variety.  I also told them that I like sledding and had all the kids share one thing they like about winter.  All in all, it was fun to hear their responses.  Then, later, I was trying to teach a small group of girls about goal setting and I was using an example of myself and how I like to write songs and this one cute Hmong girl just lit up when I told them that. She said, "You write songs, like rap?"  I told her no, more like folk or pop rock.  She was still interested though  :0)
Later in the day, after we had read through an article and answered some questions about it I let a boy draw and he showed me the anime characters he could draw and told me how it took him a really long time to learn to draw them.  I showed him how to do some of the "mathy" drawings Vi Hart does and I gave him the web address (you should check it out - Vihart.com!) so he could learn how to draw/doodle more cool things.  It was fun to connect with kids in that way.

I've just realized, I guess, that as I come in to substitute I have to have an attitude of love because I am doing this not just to get a paycheck but help children learn and they will only want to learn if they know I love them (even if it's hard to show in just one day, I can show them somewhat by how I respond to them and my attitude overall).  It truly matters.  I only want them to learn things because I love them anyway (and I am called to love all people because God made them, and the Holy Spirit helps me do this).  Lord knows I always need his grace to do this in all areas in my life.  Life is about small things with great love, not "big" things without much love.

some poems (possibly a song)

I am taking part in a 7 songs/7 days writing challenge.  Yes, it's tough.  Anyway, it's made me unearth a little bit of poetry I may turn into a song:

 Gray and cloudy day, wisps of blue come in view
I wonder about my world, what should I do?
Life is any number of things
Love is what will give me wings
Yet it all adds up to You

There is not one thing without You
I can be fascinated, dedicated to
All your creatures that live
Lest I forget, you did beget it all
You will not let me forget and fall


Praise You, Illuminate
Let my heart shine with your weight
I know not how to sing to You
I only know praise is due


Let colors shine brighter
Let winds blow the trees
Let all of Creation
Fall on its knees


I want to see lighter
I want to see all the miracles of the ordinary
To augment each hue


.....


There is none before me
There is none beside me
Except and only
Jesus my Friend
The King of all worlds
Of Beginning and the End
Unfurled his royal robe
Naked, became man
Now who can deserve this?
Truly I don't know one
You never could earn it
To worship Creator's Son
It's only the mercy
Uncontested beauty of Love
We did not know that there was
Until He revealed it
And then our eyes were opened

Wider now


The Cross, see the height, see the depth, see the length, see the width, He would come
Extraordinary, extraordinary love has come

death and life

Chris' grandpa died yesterday.  I am so grateful that we went to visit him this last Sunday and talked with him, prayed with him, joked with him, held his hand and hugged him in his bed.  It's difficult to know how to feel times like this.  He was not doing well at the end of his life although he was still extremely pleasant.  He was such a delightful, sweet man.  I didn't know him very long or very well relatively speaking but as much as I knew him he was wonderful.  He was my grandpa too.  He always said what a pretty girl I was and gave me compliments and just seemed to relish being with people when he was around, even if he was tired sometimes.  I will never forget last Easter when Chris and I brought Sumita to his parent's house for dinner and he chatted it up with her and told her he liked her and her tattoos (you must see Sumita to know why this means so much, most people would be a little wary of her from her looks).  He also talked with the African people that Chris' parents had over.  He was just so open and it was grand.  We will miss him very much but I feel that he is with Jesus now.

As I think about his life and death I think about mine as well.  To know there is an end makes me realize how strangely short this life is and how much I should cherish it and use it to do things that are good, to be good (through God's strength and grace).  I've been substitute teaching since last November and I've thought about what I want my "career" to be but as it were I have also been given a word from God that helped me not fret about this.  I know I want to work with children but I also know that I don't want my career to consume me.  In fact, I feel more and more like putting all my energy into a job is not what God asks of me at all.  I feel most alive when I am serving in ministry whether that be Jesus Kitchen or leading musical worship or learning about different cultures within the Church.  I love being part of the neighborhood we live in and taking walks in it and visiting people who live nearby.  I feel called to create music and write.  I feel called to care about the "least of these" and do something about it.  I feel called to live in a way that is not just surviving but is honest about struggles while transcending them by the Grace and Power of Jesus Christ, the Lamb of God.  There is so much more life in that than trying to pursue being an "expert" at something.  I just want to live and in the end I want my life to have glorified God and helped others in that process.  All this is much easier said than done but I think the key thing is to keep perspective.  When I think about the big picture of things it makes my decisions about now clearer.  I need so much grace to be who God really made me to be and I am glad that I do not live (or even die) on my own strength.