I walked along the main drag near my home today with my 10 month old son and nearly 3 year old daughter in tow. We were in search of joyous things for a 3 year old boy's birthday. Balloons, toys, etc. We walked to a flower shop that sells balloons but they were out for delivery so we went to a home consignment shop near by, looked around, and came back. On the way I noticed an old grandfatherly man sitting on a bench outside the store, very weathered looking and likely homeless. I tried to say hi half-heartedly but he didn't seem to hear. I kept going on, feeling uncomfortable at the proof of poverty this man showed me by his very presence. A stab into my comfortable world. As we turned around from the flower shop again realizing they weren't open I talked to my 2 year old daughter of going to the children's consignment shop about 2 blocks away to find a toy instead of a balloon. She agreed and we walked by the old man slowly again as one does with a child, I hesitated thinking to maybe offer to help him somehow as I saw that he was now trying to stand but it looked like he wasn't going to be successful at it. He had a cane and two band aids on his legs and he wobbled slightly as he tried to gain enough balance to fully stand. My mind argued with my heart and I reasoned that I couldn't do anything practical to help him. Even if I helped him walk where would he go? I couldn't do that, I thought to myself. Not with two little ones, and maybe he wouldn't even want my help....so onward we went and I turned back to see him sitting on the bench again and I felt that my decision was okay.
Nearly 30 minutes passed as we went in search of treasures to get and give at the children's consignment shop. I found some delightful presents for two birthday babes and felt that our excursion had been successful. Soon we were on the road again and I thought it would be a good idea to go back past the flower shop again just in case they were there now. How fun it would be to give a balloon! As we crossed the street I saw an ambulance and a policeman and an EMT standing by the bench where the old man had been sitting. My heart dropped. Oh my God, what happened? I said nothing but hurried toward to scene thinking how foolish I had been to not even offer my help in the least. Was I heartless? What could have happened to this man? Did he fall? Did he have a stroke? Was he dead? I'll bet he was a veteran as well as homeless and I felt hesitant to help him even more so because he was wearing patriotic clothing and I call myself a pacifist. How sick is my heart! I asked the two helpers standing there, feeling foolish but desperate, "What happened here?!" They pretended not to hear me (I think) so I asked again, frantically, "What happened?" The police officer turned to face me and said, "Oh, someone was just not feeling good and so we came out." The most simple, non-offensive answer he could muster to save face for the children I suppose. Someone was not feeling good, so we came out. I don't know what I thought then except I was sure now it was the old grandfatherly man. It must have been and I thought about him struggling to live inside the ambulance.
Every day there are forgotten people on the street. I can walk past them at the library or walk past the mental health institution for some of these forgotten people who "live" there as well and sometimes roam our area. It is so easy to go on "forgetting" them - even when it looks obvious that they need help of some sort. What can I do? I have children, I'm looking after them, I can think and I can reason and I can justify my ignoring and forgetting about the people who are like children and yet not, people who are not desirable to love, people who have weathered countless storms who are most likely responsible for some of them and many of them simply because the world is broken and still they are in need and that need is not going away just because I chose not to see it. I can make myself more uncomfortable, I can be like Jesus and show them my face and not turn away like I did today. I don't know how things would have been different but I'm betting God's Kingdom would be ushered in somehow. For now, this tragedy is unearthing the hardness of my heart and at least a little Kingdom work is being done. Please make my heart soft soil, King of all creation, King of all people whose salvation is for everybody, not just some. King of all creation whose salvation is for now, not later at a more convenient time.
Thursday, June 29, 2017
Monday, September 19, 2016
Ode to a 2 year old
2 year old Miriam...I want to remember...
Your crazy uneven hair that swoops just down your neck over your back in sweet waves - kind of like a punky 80's mullet but much cuter and prettier.
Your vivacious energy! Just pick a word and repeat, again and again and again. Echo, gecko, bravo (I sense a theme here). Wait...then there's peacock, hmm...
Your sweet cheesy smiles where you tilt your head back.
Your going around and around and around the room (again).
Your pushing the walker wagon while wearing the patriotic butterfly wings we found in our neighbor's castoffs.
Your love for books, especially Go Dog Go; Rosie Revere, Engineer, any space related book Daddy can read to you.
Your sweet kisses...sometimes coming when I least expect them.
Your dancing to music I play on my ukulele or from the computer, especially All Around the Kitchen.
You're my first little Love. I cannot let you go and I'm feeling it pretty hard to know that I have been and will continue to do so in necessity of caring for Peter as well as seeing you become more independent. God holds you in his hand, my darling.
Your crazy uneven hair that swoops just down your neck over your back in sweet waves - kind of like a punky 80's mullet but much cuter and prettier.
Your vivacious energy! Just pick a word and repeat, again and again and again. Echo, gecko, bravo (I sense a theme here). Wait...then there's peacock, hmm...
Your sweet cheesy smiles where you tilt your head back.
Your going around and around and around the room (again).
Your pushing the walker wagon while wearing the patriotic butterfly wings we found in our neighbor's castoffs.
Your love for books, especially Go Dog Go; Rosie Revere, Engineer, any space related book Daddy can read to you.
Your sweet kisses...sometimes coming when I least expect them.
Your dancing to music I play on my ukulele or from the computer, especially All Around the Kitchen.
You're my first little Love. I cannot let you go and I'm feeling it pretty hard to know that I have been and will continue to do so in necessity of caring for Peter as well as seeing you become more independent. God holds you in his hand, my darling.
Saturday, September 17, 2016
A Mother Blessing
Oh my goodness, it's been almost a year since I've posted. Well, that's okay, that's why I'm doing it now.
I gave birth to my second about a month ago (August 10th), a beautiful boy named Peter Galileo. I am already proud of him. Well, as it happens I now have a 2 year old as well. I love Miriam J. dearly but she is also a lot of work and as I type this it comes off of a day where I felt in a half-fog even as I celebrated my beloved child's life. All that to say, it's been too long. Before Peter G. was born (a story I will write soon), I took a tiny holiday to have lunch by myself and pray and play music. I felt God telling me that there is more to me than motherhood. Although this season in my life is deep in the trenches of mothering I felt God remind me that I need to nourish my creativity as well. I am made to be an artist and cultivating that is crucial. Incidentally, I wrote to my good friend from Minneapolis (now transported to Canada) a mother blessing. It was something I had not done intentionally for a while and I want to share it here to begin the unearthing of a love for invention.
I gave birth to my second about a month ago (August 10th), a beautiful boy named Peter Galileo. I am already proud of him. Well, as it happens I now have a 2 year old as well. I love Miriam J. dearly but she is also a lot of work and as I type this it comes off of a day where I felt in a half-fog even as I celebrated my beloved child's life. All that to say, it's been too long. Before Peter G. was born (a story I will write soon), I took a tiny holiday to have lunch by myself and pray and play music. I felt God telling me that there is more to me than motherhood. Although this season in my life is deep in the trenches of mothering I felt God remind me that I need to nourish my creativity as well. I am made to be an artist and cultivating that is crucial. Incidentally, I wrote to my good friend from Minneapolis (now transported to Canada) a mother blessing. It was something I had not done intentionally for a while and I want to share it here to begin the unearthing of a love for invention.
Hello dear Christen,
I know this might be longer than something you'd read, but I just wrote my heart out to you, so here goes:
When I first heard you were going to be a mama I was stoked for you and saddened by your loss not long after. The second time I heard, my excitement was deepened with experience and I thought of all the beautiful qualities you have - gentleness, kindness, compassion and passion, creativity, a sweet and nurturing heart, a love of justice and being seeker of truth, and a simple humility that takes life in and desires to be taught by all you can. You, as well as Phil, have so much to give a little one. I say these things to affirm you and to give you encouragement as you begin this profound journey in the coming first days of your little person's life.
When my daughter was born I had no idea how great a sacrifice it would be, so I will just say this: this, this birthing a child and then all that comes with it, is going to be the hardest thing you've done (as least for me at has been). Yet, no matter how demanding raising a child (especially an infant) can be, God has provided for us! He gives us grace in His Spirit and in each other. I see that he has given you a community already to help in this immense task so don't be afraid to ask for help in tangible and intangible ways. You will assuredly find yourself at the end of yourself from lack of sleep or just lack of time to just be. It's supposed to be that way because we all need each other and we need the Holy Spirit to give us the strength and wisdom and sustain us. You will love your baby but as in a marriage that love will be something that is only given at times by Grace. In my experience, as your child grows your awe and love for them will only blossom more. You will find in beautiful, everyday moments that there is really nothing more delightful than watching your child become the person they are created to be.
I'm coming to the end of my own pregnancy and also getting ready to welcome another human being into this great big world and so my reflection to you is a reflection to myself as well. I anticipate with you and pray with you for vision, for health, and for a deep gratitude within all the chaos that is to come. I love you and my heart leaps and baby belly leaps (like Elizabeth and Mary) as I think on the tiny one you will get to meet face to face so very soon!
I love you!
Kimberly
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Truth is better than fiction
I'm going to try not to grumble/ramble but I have been astonished in the last day to overhear some mothers I know complain about their children facing reality. I don't mean reality like they all of a sudden were in a war zone, I mean reality like one child was made fun of at school, another child stopped believing in fairies. What is it about American culture (or Virginian culture?) that makes people want their children to be so sheltered? Do we really think children are so feeble minded that they need to live in a dream world? It irks me. How can we hear about what happened in France with the terrorist attacks and then worry about our 6th grader being made fun of? Okay, so I know I'm not being very sympathetic and what is big to one person is different depending on the situation. However, it's discouraging to me to see people cling to their cotton-candy versions of reality for their children instead of realizing that reality is sometimes harsh/and/or not fairyland but it is also the difficulty of reality that develops true character and the real world is also just as wondrous as any fairy tale story that we could tell our children.
Sadly, I think this desire to shelter/hide our children from hard things/and/or truth is a symptom of the sick sentimentality of our culture that is worshiped. We want our "american dream" so to speak. We want to pretend that "we make our own reality" which is far from actuality. There are always going to be terrible things that happen. There are going to be people that challenge us (and perhaps they are wrong but it could also be that they are right at times). I am far from being cynical but please, please bring me truth or the harshness of the world over an illusion of safety and fun. I want my daughter to see that there is so much value in embracing the world as it is and because of our hope in Christ we are also catalysts for change in the harsh, dire circumstances by our prayers and our actions. We are called to care for the least of these and even love our enemy. We are called not to make ourselves "god" but submit to God and humble ourselves to let every hardship refine us. What is "hard" is not bad. Sometimes what is "easy" is actually the killer of our souls making us feel like we are god and in control. God also made a world that is exceedingly wondrous and beautiful even terrifying (but this makes us realize how small we are in comparison). It is appropriate to be a little frightened but also in awe in a way that makes us go to the One who made it all and us for refuge.
Sadly, I think this desire to shelter/hide our children from hard things/and/or truth is a symptom of the sick sentimentality of our culture that is worshiped. We want our "american dream" so to speak. We want to pretend that "we make our own reality" which is far from actuality. There are always going to be terrible things that happen. There are going to be people that challenge us (and perhaps they are wrong but it could also be that they are right at times). I am far from being cynical but please, please bring me truth or the harshness of the world over an illusion of safety and fun. I want my daughter to see that there is so much value in embracing the world as it is and because of our hope in Christ we are also catalysts for change in the harsh, dire circumstances by our prayers and our actions. We are called to care for the least of these and even love our enemy. We are called not to make ourselves "god" but submit to God and humble ourselves to let every hardship refine us. What is "hard" is not bad. Sometimes what is "easy" is actually the killer of our souls making us feel like we are god and in control. God also made a world that is exceedingly wondrous and beautiful even terrifying (but this makes us realize how small we are in comparison). It is appropriate to be a little frightened but also in awe in a way that makes us go to the One who made it all and us for refuge.
Friday, June 5, 2015
Everyone is a Beggar
"Give to everyone who asks of you, and whoever takes away what is yours, do not demand it back. Treat others the same way you want [e]them to treat you. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. If you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners in order to receive back the same amount."
-Luke 6:30-34
I've been asking God where to go lately. He's been directing me. That's been awesome. However, I don't always listen. Nor do I always obey even when I say I will. Yeah, I am a sinner too.
Here's a story/rant about beggars.
I mentioned there are quite a few homeless/down and out people that live near by the (mostly) middle class and upper class neighborhood we live in. They go walking on the main streets and ask people for money sometimes. It's happened to me a few times and the last few days I've felt like God wants me to give someone "down and out" $20 I have burning a hole in my wallet. I missed one such prompting and said I'd listen the next time. Here's what happened.
I felt led to go to this super cute vintage/antique store just a couple of blocks from us. I walked around the block to get there and went inside. They had moved things in the store since last I'd been in and the displays were absolutely gorgeous and whimsical. Everywhere I looked was eye-candy and interesting thing after interesting thing. I wanted about half a dozen things in the store and even tried on a vintage dress. I thought of the "practical" things I could purchase as well but I could tell Miriam was getting tired and then she screamed a little (I think she's possibly getting a tooth now!) and so I decided we had better go.
As I walked out the door two people, a man and a woman, who appeared to be homeless, walked behind me. As we neared the light the woman asked me if I had some spare change. The light was changing so I said if they followed me across the intersection I'd give them some. As soon as we got across I rifled through my purse, took out my wallet, and gave them all the change in the pocket. I thought though: give them $20, but they had only asked for change, I countered. I asked them, "What do you need?" The woman told me they needed food and intended to buy some fried chicken in a bag that they could get for $2 somewhere. I thought, okay, so see they don't even need that much. Also, the man had said "You're a Christian, right?" and I responded, "Yes I am" kind of sheepishly as the prompt of giving more was still there and I was not obeying it. Then another man who was smoking a cigarette came by asking them about a bus route and before I could think further I decided to leave to avoid the smoke (mostly for Miriam) and said, "Bless you" as they thanked me. BUT here's the thing: I'm a hypocrite.
So, yeah, I gave them some money. BUT I felt like I should have given more. Would they have used if for food? I don't know for sure. Maybe they would have used it for cigarettes or alcohol or drugs even. I just don't know. But what would I have used it for? To buy another "thing." To purchase some temporary "happiness" and try to fill the void that is only filled by God. To justify my addiction to materialism comparing myself to others who are MORE indulgent than me and buy not just some "useful things" but overpriced designer clothing or fancy trinket or the like. Yeah, so I'm not as bad as that person. At least I gave them some change. Right? Right. Except that's not what God was really asking me to do. Except while they may not have used the money in the "best" way I would not have either and my "perceived needs" are all really wants anyway. You may disagree but I have a feeling that 9 times of of 10 I bet they'd use the money far more usefully to themselves overall.
In our society, just because someone has money it's often assumed that they "deserve" it. Just because I happen to be "middle class" now it's assumed that I did something or that my worth as a person is greater and I'm entitled to it. This is simply wrong. Perhaps because I have been on the lower end of the earning scale I can see that better. Perhaps because I don't "earn" money now and my work is being a stay-at-home mama and wife I don't feel I deserve it. Regardless, I think it's a misconception that someone with money "deserves" it. My "wants" do not discredit a street person's needs. My "wants" are not even better than their "wants" either. We're all beggars when it comes down to it. Everything that was given to me, in the end, is from God's grace. Jesus gave to me so I could give to others. I am blessed to be a blessing. It occurred to me, actually, that Jesus probably wants me to give my money just so I can see my spiritual poverty just as much to show them his Grace. That in itself is humbling. So, pray for me, to not just be an orator telling this story but actually obey next time. Thank you.
-Luke 6:30-34
I've been asking God where to go lately. He's been directing me. That's been awesome. However, I don't always listen. Nor do I always obey even when I say I will. Yeah, I am a sinner too.
Here's a story/rant about beggars.
I mentioned there are quite a few homeless/down and out people that live near by the (mostly) middle class and upper class neighborhood we live in. They go walking on the main streets and ask people for money sometimes. It's happened to me a few times and the last few days I've felt like God wants me to give someone "down and out" $20 I have burning a hole in my wallet. I missed one such prompting and said I'd listen the next time. Here's what happened.
I felt led to go to this super cute vintage/antique store just a couple of blocks from us. I walked around the block to get there and went inside. They had moved things in the store since last I'd been in and the displays were absolutely gorgeous and whimsical. Everywhere I looked was eye-candy and interesting thing after interesting thing. I wanted about half a dozen things in the store and even tried on a vintage dress. I thought of the "practical" things I could purchase as well but I could tell Miriam was getting tired and then she screamed a little (I think she's possibly getting a tooth now!) and so I decided we had better go.
As I walked out the door two people, a man and a woman, who appeared to be homeless, walked behind me. As we neared the light the woman asked me if I had some spare change. The light was changing so I said if they followed me across the intersection I'd give them some. As soon as we got across I rifled through my purse, took out my wallet, and gave them all the change in the pocket. I thought though: give them $20, but they had only asked for change, I countered. I asked them, "What do you need?" The woman told me they needed food and intended to buy some fried chicken in a bag that they could get for $2 somewhere. I thought, okay, so see they don't even need that much. Also, the man had said "You're a Christian, right?" and I responded, "Yes I am" kind of sheepishly as the prompt of giving more was still there and I was not obeying it. Then another man who was smoking a cigarette came by asking them about a bus route and before I could think further I decided to leave to avoid the smoke (mostly for Miriam) and said, "Bless you" as they thanked me. BUT here's the thing: I'm a hypocrite.
So, yeah, I gave them some money. BUT I felt like I should have given more. Would they have used if for food? I don't know for sure. Maybe they would have used it for cigarettes or alcohol or drugs even. I just don't know. But what would I have used it for? To buy another "thing." To purchase some temporary "happiness" and try to fill the void that is only filled by God. To justify my addiction to materialism comparing myself to others who are MORE indulgent than me and buy not just some "useful things" but overpriced designer clothing or fancy trinket or the like. Yeah, so I'm not as bad as that person. At least I gave them some change. Right? Right. Except that's not what God was really asking me to do. Except while they may not have used the money in the "best" way I would not have either and my "perceived needs" are all really wants anyway. You may disagree but I have a feeling that 9 times of of 10 I bet they'd use the money far more usefully to themselves overall.
In our society, just because someone has money it's often assumed that they "deserve" it. Just because I happen to be "middle class" now it's assumed that I did something or that my worth as a person is greater and I'm entitled to it. This is simply wrong. Perhaps because I have been on the lower end of the earning scale I can see that better. Perhaps because I don't "earn" money now and my work is being a stay-at-home mama and wife I don't feel I deserve it. Regardless, I think it's a misconception that someone with money "deserves" it. My "wants" do not discredit a street person's needs. My "wants" are not even better than their "wants" either. We're all beggars when it comes down to it. Everything that was given to me, in the end, is from God's grace. Jesus gave to me so I could give to others. I am blessed to be a blessing. It occurred to me, actually, that Jesus probably wants me to give my money just so I can see my spiritual poverty just as much to show them his Grace. That in itself is humbling. So, pray for me, to not just be an orator telling this story but actually obey next time. Thank you.
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
Holy Mischief
Time rolls on like a river. I have not posted lacking inspiration and somewhat lacking time. I love being a mama. I'm convinced it is one of the most fantastic joys one can experience. There is such delight in seeing your child grow and seeing her become more and more the little person that she was created to be. I only want to aid in this formation and by the grace of the Holy Spirit that's what I'm trying for every day.
Yet, sometimes my life feels mundane. Sometimes I even feel like cliche and I'm reaching for something more. We are slowly meeting some like-minded folks but have mostly connected with some people we wouldn't have thought to be friends with back home (which has it's merits as well). I live in a city now that I would never choose to live in apart from the great job my husband has here. We live in the *best* part of the city as far as I know. It's a bit like a small town and it has it's charms and character of some of the older architecture, a handful of indie businesses down the "Hilton" strip and traditions long held by the tight knit community inside of it. It is like a Norman Rockwell painting brought to life in a lot of ways.
Of course, there are the darker, sadder sides of things here including a homeless population that seems to wander through often. There also seems to be an overall lust for the "new" and "convenient" (at least in the wider city) which leaves blight of disheveled mom and pop businesses in it's wake. I can find myself feeling sorry for myself even though even though I truly love so much of my life and I am thankful for my family (Chris and Miriam) especially. I am thankful to be able to watch little Miri grow as well. Yet, I need to see that my purpose goes beyond the immediate. I need to know that there is something for me in this city itself and not shut myself off from the uncomfortable injustices that exist. I need to be enabled to do some "holy mischief" in the words of Shane Claiborne. Holy Mischief being a challenge to the status quo, a way to brighten and illuminate, a dare to be different in the way God calls us to be different - set apart so others might see his Holiness.
So yesterday I set out to do something I had meaning to do for months. I had painted a few signs with scriptures that I felt might speak to someone out on the street or someone just taking a walk, "The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." -Galatians 5:6 "Act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with your Creator." -Micah 6:8, and one more "You are loved and worthy of love" (taken from an incredible story my high school friend told) -- see here --http://www.differentkindoflife.com/birthday/
I went out with Miriam in her stroller and hammered the signs up to a couple of telephone polls (I actually forgot the "You are loved and worthy of love" one but I intend to put that out another day). I felt so alive because I was able to do something like that. Miriam even seemed to like it. ;-) I hope that the signs speak to people in real ways. I hope it's a day brightener or a challenge to someone. I actually put one near a tavern. Ha. We will see.
I've decided that I want to make my life one that is full of this kind of Holy Mischief. I don't want to get comfortable and cozy with what's typical. I want to let my imagination go wild with God, the Creator, and by his help, bring them about. So far for me that means making those signs, greeting and engaging homeless people and speaking as the Spirit leads, and putting a "free box" in our front yard with clothes we don't need (when it's not rainy). I want to do more and see more of God's Kingdom come. Here, now, on earth as it is in Heaven. We are his children, are we not?
More Holy Mischief is to be had.
Yet, sometimes my life feels mundane. Sometimes I even feel like cliche and I'm reaching for something more. We are slowly meeting some like-minded folks but have mostly connected with some people we wouldn't have thought to be friends with back home (which has it's merits as well). I live in a city now that I would never choose to live in apart from the great job my husband has here. We live in the *best* part of the city as far as I know. It's a bit like a small town and it has it's charms and character of some of the older architecture, a handful of indie businesses down the "Hilton" strip and traditions long held by the tight knit community inside of it. It is like a Norman Rockwell painting brought to life in a lot of ways.
Of course, there are the darker, sadder sides of things here including a homeless population that seems to wander through often. There also seems to be an overall lust for the "new" and "convenient" (at least in the wider city) which leaves blight of disheveled mom and pop businesses in it's wake. I can find myself feeling sorry for myself even though even though I truly love so much of my life and I am thankful for my family (Chris and Miriam) especially. I am thankful to be able to watch little Miri grow as well. Yet, I need to see that my purpose goes beyond the immediate. I need to know that there is something for me in this city itself and not shut myself off from the uncomfortable injustices that exist. I need to be enabled to do some "holy mischief" in the words of Shane Claiborne. Holy Mischief being a challenge to the status quo, a way to brighten and illuminate, a dare to be different in the way God calls us to be different - set apart so others might see his Holiness.
So yesterday I set out to do something I had meaning to do for months. I had painted a few signs with scriptures that I felt might speak to someone out on the street or someone just taking a walk, "The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." -Galatians 5:6 "Act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with your Creator." -Micah 6:8, and one more "You are loved and worthy of love" (taken from an incredible story my high school friend told) -- see here --http://www.differentkindoflife.com/birthday/
I went out with Miriam in her stroller and hammered the signs up to a couple of telephone polls (I actually forgot the "You are loved and worthy of love" one but I intend to put that out another day). I felt so alive because I was able to do something like that. Miriam even seemed to like it. ;-) I hope that the signs speak to people in real ways. I hope it's a day brightener or a challenge to someone. I actually put one near a tavern. Ha. We will see.
I've decided that I want to make my life one that is full of this kind of Holy Mischief. I don't want to get comfortable and cozy with what's typical. I want to let my imagination go wild with God, the Creator, and by his help, bring them about. So far for me that means making those signs, greeting and engaging homeless people and speaking as the Spirit leads, and putting a "free box" in our front yard with clothes we don't need (when it's not rainy). I want to do more and see more of God's Kingdom come. Here, now, on earth as it is in Heaven. We are his children, are we not?
More Holy Mischief is to be had.
Friday, January 16, 2015
2015, what what!
Alright, so on with 2015 - I know I am a little late to post something about this but hey, I have a 4 month old baby, okay? ;-)
Last year was epic and marvelous in so many ways. So many changes, for the better mostly. Moving to Virginia at the end of Spring, Chris' super job, Miriam Jubilee coming into the world and knocking our socks off (my favorite change!). I will always miss Minnesota and our friends there (and family too) but such is life. I would be lying, however, to not say how I do deeply miss them and have felt it quite a lot lately.
Virginia is a good place to live all in all. It's just not the same as Minnesota. My winter here is bearable but in a kind of November way. It's actually green (I know, weird!) but it's kind of Novembery weather as in it's cold outside just enough most of the time that you don't want to be out (well, it makes it tricky with a young baby anyway). Also, there is no snow. I never realized how beautiful and peaceful snow makes everything look. It's just cold (well, at least cold for someone whose body has become acclaimated to warmer weather - if I came here from Minnesota January I'd say this is a heat wave, but anyhow).
So, I was originally going to post about my New Year's "resolutions" of sorts. I don't know if they really are resolutions but I want to change the way I live so I guess you'd call it that. One big thing is that I feel God calling me to more faith - not faith as in let's see people get healed and raise the dead type miracle faith - faith as in just fully trusting that God knows what he's doing with me - faith that sees past my husband's and other close friends/family's shortcomings and my limitations in time, resources and geography and sees what IS there and what CAN BE there as God works and I believe. I need to have the kind of faith that hushes the humdrum and hangups and knows Jesus walking among us. Even if I'm not healing the sick or raising the dead for God I want to believe God is with me and not stifle his Spirit in my everyday life - I want to be open to whatever adventure, however ordinary.
Along with that kind of everyday faith I need to change the way I talk. I don't mean that I need to take on a southern accent, heeheh, but I need to think before I speak as much as possible and not let my tongue steer my ship like a small rudder crashing the ship into the shore. Most people don't realize that I can have a poisonous tongue and be careless with my words but I certainly can. I do this much more than I care to admit and I want to speak life and grace and truth in all circumstances instead. I want to be speaking as if speaking the very words of God (If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen 1 Peter 4:11). Does that mean I can never criticize? No, but I need to be very careful in doing so and pray about what words I say before I say them. More often, I want to encourage and affirm what I can than bring a critical word that is probably going to be unhelpful. It's very humbling for me to say this because I like to look good to others, but I know I need to change. Lord, help me. Help me trust and speak your truth in grace and love. Sustain me in all circumstances to live life in a resurrected and redeemed reality not based on what I see alone.
Last year was epic and marvelous in so many ways. So many changes, for the better mostly. Moving to Virginia at the end of Spring, Chris' super job, Miriam Jubilee coming into the world and knocking our socks off (my favorite change!). I will always miss Minnesota and our friends there (and family too) but such is life. I would be lying, however, to not say how I do deeply miss them and have felt it quite a lot lately.
Virginia is a good place to live all in all. It's just not the same as Minnesota. My winter here is bearable but in a kind of November way. It's actually green (I know, weird!) but it's kind of Novembery weather as in it's cold outside just enough most of the time that you don't want to be out (well, it makes it tricky with a young baby anyway). Also, there is no snow. I never realized how beautiful and peaceful snow makes everything look. It's just cold (well, at least cold for someone whose body has become acclaimated to warmer weather - if I came here from Minnesota January I'd say this is a heat wave, but anyhow).
So, I was originally going to post about my New Year's "resolutions" of sorts. I don't know if they really are resolutions but I want to change the way I live so I guess you'd call it that. One big thing is that I feel God calling me to more faith - not faith as in let's see people get healed and raise the dead type miracle faith - faith as in just fully trusting that God knows what he's doing with me - faith that sees past my husband's and other close friends/family's shortcomings and my limitations in time, resources and geography and sees what IS there and what CAN BE there as God works and I believe. I need to have the kind of faith that hushes the humdrum and hangups and knows Jesus walking among us. Even if I'm not healing the sick or raising the dead for God I want to believe God is with me and not stifle his Spirit in my everyday life - I want to be open to whatever adventure, however ordinary.
Along with that kind of everyday faith I need to change the way I talk. I don't mean that I need to take on a southern accent, heeheh, but I need to think before I speak as much as possible and not let my tongue steer my ship like a small rudder crashing the ship into the shore. Most people don't realize that I can have a poisonous tongue and be careless with my words but I certainly can. I do this much more than I care to admit and I want to speak life and grace and truth in all circumstances instead. I want to be speaking as if speaking the very words of God (If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen 1 Peter 4:11). Does that mean I can never criticize? No, but I need to be very careful in doing so and pray about what words I say before I say them. More often, I want to encourage and affirm what I can than bring a critical word that is probably going to be unhelpful. It's very humbling for me to say this because I like to look good to others, but I know I need to change. Lord, help me. Help me trust and speak your truth in grace and love. Sustain me in all circumstances to live life in a resurrected and redeemed reality not based on what I see alone.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Becoming a Mama: Miriam's Birth Story
September 17, 2014 was a life-changing day. September 17, 2014 was a life-giving day for me. Miriam Jubilee Stelter was born!
There is so much to tell but I will try hard to consolidate and tell it well.
I was a week + past due and I went into the clinic to check things out. My parents had just arrived the day before and were here to help should the babe be born soon. At the clinic I found that the fluids in the placenta were much lower than they had been previously and this could be a danger to the baby. Thus, after consulting my parents, my doula Amelia and my man Chris, we decided to go ahead with the induction on September 16.
We went home and ate a heavy meal of black bean/hamburger tacos and I tried to settle down to sleep at 9 p.m. because we were to be at the hospital at the absurdly early hour of 5 a.m. I took a sleeping pill but it didn't kick in for some time. At last I fell asleep and had a handful of hours to gain my strength for the coming adventure. We went in to the hospital bright and much too early trying to make sure we had everything we could possibly need. When we got there they told us we didn't actually need to be there until 7 a.m. Anyway, we got things going a little earlier because of this and it still took us until 7 a.m. to start the pitocin. The morning was fairly uneventful but we called our doula Amelia in and the partner doula came instead, Marie because of various circumstances. We had a terrific, cheerful nurse who was philipino and really down-to-earth. As we came into the afternoon the contractions began to be challenging but I was dealing with them fine. I wasn't making much progress unfortunately and by the time they were getting more and more intense and I just wanted to stop 5 p.m. rolled around and the midwife said to take me off the pitocin so I could eat a good meal and rest for the evening and begin again the next day. My parents brought in chinese food and we went to sleep at 8 p.m.
So the sun rises on September 17, 2014. I am told the doctor from the clinic is coming and wants to break my water. I say we will discuss it when she gets there. Well, she comes and is pretty combative when I ask if it's necessary to get my water broken and find out about the reasons/statistics of it helping. This encounter is very unpleasant but Chris and I decide to get my water broken. Very little fluid leaks out which means that getting the babe out is more urgent than I realized. I start back on the pitocin and things pick up faster but I am still slow in progressing. I move about 1 cm and then stay there. I'm at about 4.5 cm until 3:30 p.m. when after much pain and trying so hard I decide to get an epidural. After the epidural (which Chris questions me about since I had said I originally didn't want one) things go lightning fast! Only 4 hours later I make up all the lost time and I'm fully dilated to a ten! They call the midwife and she gets there about 8 p.m. One blessed thing for sure is that our original doula Amelia ends up being able to be with us as well as Marie at this time. We begin pushing shortly thereafter.
I'm sprawled on the bed with a kajillion wires/monitors but I can change position. It's really hard to know what to do since I still don't have full feeling in my lower half. There are just too many people telling me too many things and the midwife doesn't seem convinced that I am going to deliver naturally as the hours wear on. She asks me about 10:00 if I am willing to keep trying for another hour. I say yes. I am determined but beginning to feel more pain and I need another epidural shot in my side where the pain is beginning to be unbearable and no position seems to help. Getting another flush of the epidural helps and I ask for a mirror and then I see the little hairy head. I am so close! Yet, it's just getting harder and harder to not be completely fatigued. I still have too many people telling me what to do. Finally, around 11 p.m., Dr. Coyle comes in, and as Chris later states, "Once she put on her labor boots I knew she was going to help us do this!" She is a commanding little firecracker of a lady who tells me, "I heard you really want to do this, now let's do it!" and "Poop my fingers out!" It's only a half an hour later and then Miriam Jubilee makes her entrance in a few miraculous minutes coming out like toothpaste out of a tube. She. is. finally. here!
TO BE CONTINUED....
There is so much to tell but I will try hard to consolidate and tell it well.
I was a week + past due and I went into the clinic to check things out. My parents had just arrived the day before and were here to help should the babe be born soon. At the clinic I found that the fluids in the placenta were much lower than they had been previously and this could be a danger to the baby. Thus, after consulting my parents, my doula Amelia and my man Chris, we decided to go ahead with the induction on September 16.
We went home and ate a heavy meal of black bean/hamburger tacos and I tried to settle down to sleep at 9 p.m. because we were to be at the hospital at the absurdly early hour of 5 a.m. I took a sleeping pill but it didn't kick in for some time. At last I fell asleep and had a handful of hours to gain my strength for the coming adventure. We went in to the hospital bright and much too early trying to make sure we had everything we could possibly need. When we got there they told us we didn't actually need to be there until 7 a.m. Anyway, we got things going a little earlier because of this and it still took us until 7 a.m. to start the pitocin. The morning was fairly uneventful but we called our doula Amelia in and the partner doula came instead, Marie because of various circumstances. We had a terrific, cheerful nurse who was philipino and really down-to-earth. As we came into the afternoon the contractions began to be challenging but I was dealing with them fine. I wasn't making much progress unfortunately and by the time they were getting more and more intense and I just wanted to stop 5 p.m. rolled around and the midwife said to take me off the pitocin so I could eat a good meal and rest for the evening and begin again the next day. My parents brought in chinese food and we went to sleep at 8 p.m.
So the sun rises on September 17, 2014. I am told the doctor from the clinic is coming and wants to break my water. I say we will discuss it when she gets there. Well, she comes and is pretty combative when I ask if it's necessary to get my water broken and find out about the reasons/statistics of it helping. This encounter is very unpleasant but Chris and I decide to get my water broken. Very little fluid leaks out which means that getting the babe out is more urgent than I realized. I start back on the pitocin and things pick up faster but I am still slow in progressing. I move about 1 cm and then stay there. I'm at about 4.5 cm until 3:30 p.m. when after much pain and trying so hard I decide to get an epidural. After the epidural (which Chris questions me about since I had said I originally didn't want one) things go lightning fast! Only 4 hours later I make up all the lost time and I'm fully dilated to a ten! They call the midwife and she gets there about 8 p.m. One blessed thing for sure is that our original doula Amelia ends up being able to be with us as well as Marie at this time. We begin pushing shortly thereafter.
I'm sprawled on the bed with a kajillion wires/monitors but I can change position. It's really hard to know what to do since I still don't have full feeling in my lower half. There are just too many people telling me too many things and the midwife doesn't seem convinced that I am going to deliver naturally as the hours wear on. She asks me about 10:00 if I am willing to keep trying for another hour. I say yes. I am determined but beginning to feel more pain and I need another epidural shot in my side where the pain is beginning to be unbearable and no position seems to help. Getting another flush of the epidural helps and I ask for a mirror and then I see the little hairy head. I am so close! Yet, it's just getting harder and harder to not be completely fatigued. I still have too many people telling me what to do. Finally, around 11 p.m., Dr. Coyle comes in, and as Chris later states, "Once she put on her labor boots I knew she was going to help us do this!" She is a commanding little firecracker of a lady who tells me, "I heard you really want to do this, now let's do it!" and "Poop my fingers out!" It's only a half an hour later and then Miriam Jubilee makes her entrance in a few miraculous minutes coming out like toothpaste out of a tube. She. is. finally. here!
TO BE CONTINUED....
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Babies and change (dime a dozen)
I am trying to capture the thoughts I had swirling in my head as I sat in the bathtub. I don't plan to write a lot but I just wanted to say that,
A. Miriam Jubliee is born! How gracious and wondrous and thunderous an event that was and it's altered our world irrevocably ever since then. I will absolutely tell the story on here at some point, just not now.
B. I am long overdue for a post and I also need to put creativity as a priority even though it's difficult with such a tiny one to care for at all times (literally, all times I am thinking of her at least in the back of my mind, it's really full-on to be a parent).
C. We are going to visit Minnesota soon. In merely a week's time we shall be enveloped in a winter wonderful-land with warm friends and family.
Although my thoughts feel lucid I am writing kind of disjointed. I guess that's okay. I just want to get it all down. I won't apologize anymore.
Having a baby is truly a unique (yet nearly universal strangely) experience. I was just thinking earlier; how is it that every person, every singular soul, came into the world as a small innocent being? It's just completely crazy when one starts to truly ponder it.
Another thought I had worth sharing: since we have come to Virginia I have found my life to be quite different and I'm sure that difference will only be augmented now that we are visiting Minnesota several months after leaving. I am sure I will see things quite peculiarly. I am also confronted with the inevitability of change. A few years ago I thought my life couldn't be much better and I really was thriving and didn't want it to change. Now, it's a few years later and although I miss some things I have grown and others have grown and changed too and we just cannot go back and that's okay. It's been said a bajillion times but I guess that's because it's so true: nothing is constant except change. Right, I guess that leads to theology and thinking on God but that's a whole 'nother post. In a way, though, I guess that's a good note to leave on: I am glad God is a constant in a world of change.
Psalm 46:10
God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
A. Miriam Jubliee is born! How gracious and wondrous and thunderous an event that was and it's altered our world irrevocably ever since then. I will absolutely tell the story on here at some point, just not now.
B. I am long overdue for a post and I also need to put creativity as a priority even though it's difficult with such a tiny one to care for at all times (literally, all times I am thinking of her at least in the back of my mind, it's really full-on to be a parent).
C. We are going to visit Minnesota soon. In merely a week's time we shall be enveloped in a winter wonderful-land with warm friends and family.
Although my thoughts feel lucid I am writing kind of disjointed. I guess that's okay. I just want to get it all down. I won't apologize anymore.
Having a baby is truly a unique (yet nearly universal strangely) experience. I was just thinking earlier; how is it that every person, every singular soul, came into the world as a small innocent being? It's just completely crazy when one starts to truly ponder it.
Another thought I had worth sharing: since we have come to Virginia I have found my life to be quite different and I'm sure that difference will only be augmented now that we are visiting Minnesota several months after leaving. I am sure I will see things quite peculiarly. I am also confronted with the inevitability of change. A few years ago I thought my life couldn't be much better and I really was thriving and didn't want it to change. Now, it's a few years later and although I miss some things I have grown and others have grown and changed too and we just cannot go back and that's okay. It's been said a bajillion times but I guess that's because it's so true: nothing is constant except change. Right, I guess that leads to theology and thinking on God but that's a whole 'nother post. In a way, though, I guess that's a good note to leave on: I am glad God is a constant in a world of change.
Psalm 46:10
God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Sittin' in the front yard: a world view
I am sitting in the front yard because my internet (which we had shared with a neighbor) is no longer working. Our neighbor is trying to figure out how to get cheaper service so there's a lull. However, when I sit in the front I can "steal" the internet from the library. It's not super consistent but it works pretty well so that's what I've been doing the past few days.
Anyway, I was just thinking amused to myself that if I didn't have this problem I would not have seen as many people walk by and I would not have realized what a (sometimes literally) colorful part of the city this can be. We are on a main street AKA Main St., in fact, and I'm sure I've seen a handful of homeless folks as well as neighbors and our neighbor (directly next to us) has a hair cutting business so I talked with one of her clients who was smoking outside all about natural birth and his theory of the danger of doctors ironically. Sometimes being inconvenienced is way to shake me out of my stupor and make me realize the world is bigger than what I typically see.
Anyway, I was just thinking amused to myself that if I didn't have this problem I would not have seen as many people walk by and I would not have realized what a (sometimes literally) colorful part of the city this can be. We are on a main street AKA Main St., in fact, and I'm sure I've seen a handful of homeless folks as well as neighbors and our neighbor (directly next to us) has a hair cutting business so I talked with one of her clients who was smoking outside all about natural birth and his theory of the danger of doctors ironically. Sometimes being inconvenienced is way to shake me out of my stupor and make me realize the world is bigger than what I typically see.
Friday, August 8, 2014
Surrender and Sacrifice
I am in week 36 of pregnancy as of tomorrow. 4 more weeks til full term!
Last week, something pretty astonishing happened to me. I felt God directing me that we should go a Mennonite church we had visited once before but weeks earlier and we went. After the service there was a potluck (which always indicates this is a good church to me) and we stayed for it, naturally. After the potluck two ladies came up to me and began some casual conversation with me about how long we'd been in there area, where we were from, my pregnancy, etc. Then, it seemed out of the blue they said, "We were wondering if you would mind if we threw a baby shower for you." I was shocked and flattered. I think I mumbled something like, "Well, yeah, that would be great." I then backtracked a little and mentioned how I had showers in Minnesota when we were there so I didn't need very much but if they just wanted throw me a little party where I could hear from other ladies/moms I wouldn't mind one bit. Anyway, long story short we exchanged phone numbers and they said they'd call me about more details, etc., later. I pretty much can't get over how kind they are and then later I call one of them saying I think it'd be great if they just wanted to bring some meals over after the baby is born but I don't need a shower. She replies, "Well, honestly, that is a separate thing we would do for you anyway." Ok....wow. I have never met such generous, welcoming people in my life. Well, okay then. Despite my inhibitions and second guesses about nearly everything: I think I'm supposed to go this church, hahah.
So, today I went out to lunch with two of the ladies (one in charge of the shower idea) and they are both likely twice my age (at least they have children about my age). It's very nice but one thing I noticed is that while I did a lot of talking about myself and Chris it seemed mostly they talked about their kids who are in their 20s-30s. I felt puzzled for a while -- what about them? What do they like to do? It felt awkward to realize that their children are such a part of their life and and an extension of their life that it probably feels more natural for them to talk about them rather than themselves. I am so near entering their world and it is startling to me. I talk to a younger friend (in her 20s) later during the day and I realize afterwards that I dominated the conversation with talk about the pregnancy/giving birth. Now, I'm not saying that once you give birth to a child that yourself is swallowed up and you don't have any identity apart from that, BUT it is clearly a life-altering event. It redefines and reshapes you in a way that almost nothing else does. I state this, but this is only theory for me at this point.
I am on the threshold of such a change. I will be surrendering to the process of birth itself and then the sacrifice of having to care for and aid a little human being in it's wonderful development will begin. I expect that it will be joyful but difficult. I expect that I will feel literally insane at times for all the effort it will take but I also know that God will be guiding and maybe these ladies coming into my life at this time is exactly what I'd been praying for all along. I think it's crucial for Chris and I to realize we are far from alone in this and I think it will enable us to see the beauty in the giving of ourselves as parents.
Last week, something pretty astonishing happened to me. I felt God directing me that we should go a Mennonite church we had visited once before but weeks earlier and we went. After the service there was a potluck (which always indicates this is a good church to me) and we stayed for it, naturally. After the potluck two ladies came up to me and began some casual conversation with me about how long we'd been in there area, where we were from, my pregnancy, etc. Then, it seemed out of the blue they said, "We were wondering if you would mind if we threw a baby shower for you." I was shocked and flattered. I think I mumbled something like, "Well, yeah, that would be great." I then backtracked a little and mentioned how I had showers in Minnesota when we were there so I didn't need very much but if they just wanted throw me a little party where I could hear from other ladies/moms I wouldn't mind one bit. Anyway, long story short we exchanged phone numbers and they said they'd call me about more details, etc., later. I pretty much can't get over how kind they are and then later I call one of them saying I think it'd be great if they just wanted to bring some meals over after the baby is born but I don't need a shower. She replies, "Well, honestly, that is a separate thing we would do for you anyway." Ok....wow. I have never met such generous, welcoming people in my life. Well, okay then. Despite my inhibitions and second guesses about nearly everything: I think I'm supposed to go this church, hahah.
So, today I went out to lunch with two of the ladies (one in charge of the shower idea) and they are both likely twice my age (at least they have children about my age). It's very nice but one thing I noticed is that while I did a lot of talking about myself and Chris it seemed mostly they talked about their kids who are in their 20s-30s. I felt puzzled for a while -- what about them? What do they like to do? It felt awkward to realize that their children are such a part of their life and and an extension of their life that it probably feels more natural for them to talk about them rather than themselves. I am so near entering their world and it is startling to me. I talk to a younger friend (in her 20s) later during the day and I realize afterwards that I dominated the conversation with talk about the pregnancy/giving birth. Now, I'm not saying that once you give birth to a child that yourself is swallowed up and you don't have any identity apart from that, BUT it is clearly a life-altering event. It redefines and reshapes you in a way that almost nothing else does. I state this, but this is only theory for me at this point.
I am on the threshold of such a change. I will be surrendering to the process of birth itself and then the sacrifice of having to care for and aid a little human being in it's wonderful development will begin. I expect that it will be joyful but difficult. I expect that I will feel literally insane at times for all the effort it will take but I also know that God will be guiding and maybe these ladies coming into my life at this time is exactly what I'd been praying for all along. I think it's crucial for Chris and I to realize we are far from alone in this and I think it will enable us to see the beauty in the giving of ourselves as parents.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Pregnancy
I am at the 34.5 week mark in my pregnancy today. I have approximately 5.5 more weeks to go! Lately, I have been feeling the babe move around quite a lot. It's impossible to ignore -- they are no longer like "butterflies." I am experiencing having a vital little person inside of me! I vividly imagined it's little face and hands moving down inside of me when I woke up for a minute last night and had the sensation of that movement. It is surreal.
According to Babycenter.com the baby is about 4.75 pounds and about 18 inches long. The baby is getting fat layers to fill it out and if it was born between now and 37 weeks (without other complications) it would be fine but need to spend a little extra time in the hospital and maybe have a few short-term health issues. So, in other words, basically, the baby could be here at any time!
Chris and I do not feel prepared to welcome the baby just yet and we are more than happy to wait the additional weeks until full gestation. However, as the days go by we are realizing our need to prepare and doing things little by little. We still need to buy a few things that are pretty important and we need to get the room in overall order. I intend to make Montessori mobiles for the baby. We are going to have to change our lifestyle in other ways too. Chris will need to go to work earlier and come home earlier and I know we will be lacking sleep especially the first several weeks. Thankfully, we have both sets of parents who will be coming from Minnesota (switching off when one leaves the other set will come) to help us in the initial craziness! I am so grateful for that.
Anyway, very soon we will be welcoming a new little person into the world! It's going to be quite the adventure for both us and him (or her)! Please pray for us if you are reading this. Thank you!
According to Babycenter.com the baby is about 4.75 pounds and about 18 inches long. The baby is getting fat layers to fill it out and if it was born between now and 37 weeks (without other complications) it would be fine but need to spend a little extra time in the hospital and maybe have a few short-term health issues. So, in other words, basically, the baby could be here at any time!
Chris and I do not feel prepared to welcome the baby just yet and we are more than happy to wait the additional weeks until full gestation. However, as the days go by we are realizing our need to prepare and doing things little by little. We still need to buy a few things that are pretty important and we need to get the room in overall order. I intend to make Montessori mobiles for the baby. We are going to have to change our lifestyle in other ways too. Chris will need to go to work earlier and come home earlier and I know we will be lacking sleep especially the first several weeks. Thankfully, we have both sets of parents who will be coming from Minnesota (switching off when one leaves the other set will come) to help us in the initial craziness! I am so grateful for that.
Anyway, very soon we will be welcoming a new little person into the world! It's going to be quite the adventure for both us and him (or her)! Please pray for us if you are reading this. Thank you!
Thursday, July 3, 2014
I like giants
Last night I slept little because sometimes I give into anxiousness (I don't really know how to get away from it at times really). Thankfully I was able to sleep in so I did get a decent amount.
I was feeling a little like a wreck and decided I needed to sing and play ukulele because it is cathartic for me at times. I just played and sang some songs I hadn't touched for a while, surrendering to God and acknowledging my weakness. I found the song "I Like Giants" in my arsenal of songs and decided I would do that one too. I remember playing it last year at the Women's Craft Collective kind of shyly as people did the crafting and feeling the power of the truth in that simple rather quirky song. Later, in the summer, after my good friend Joi took her own life, the words had even greater meaning. So in a matter of half a week it will be the one year mark from when Joi did take her life and I feel it's important to remember and share the precious beauty we lost.
I guess the lyrics that really get me are:
So I talked to Genevieve and almost cried when she said
That the giant on the cliff wished that she were dead
And the lemmings on the cliff wished that they were dead
So the giant told the lemmings why they ought to live instead
Then she thought up all those reasons that they ought to live instead
It made her reconsider all the sad thoughts in her head
So thank you Genevieve, cause you take what's in your head
And you make things that are so beautiful and share them with your friends
I definitely started crying when I sang them. To me, those lyrics fit Joi so well in the way she encouraged others even in her despair. I guess I just want to share this song and my thoughts because I know there are plenty of people out there that still have the sad thought that lie to them about how important (and LOVED!) they are. I want people to realize they are important no matter what their own thoughts (or others) tell them. I will always miss Joi and wonder what could have been. I know that she is with Jesus and that is comforting. Yet, we still miss her and always will.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Down South (as opposed to Up North)
It's been quite a while since I've updated my blog. I have been living in Virginia (Newport News, VA to be precise) about a month and half now and just getting adjusted to everything. Chris got a fantastic job here so here we are.
Anyway, I want to write a longer post about all of our transitions but first off I wanted to give a tip of my hat, so to speak, to the kind of southern hospitality/friendliness that I've experienced. I guess growing up in Minnesota I always expected people to be more reserved and so as I've been here just a little while I have seen the way it can be different. I am blessed by little encounters with people who I barely know. For example:
1. When Chris and I went to a restaurant and were very hungry (hangry!) the waitress gave us a free garlic bread appetizer before our pizza came. She also chatted us up and tried to find out the radio station for us and encouraged us and told us we were going to be good parents as she noted my pregnancy.
2. Just yesterday I was walking in the horrid heat and a man pulled over asking if I wanted a ride. I declined since I was getting close to my destination but I although that could have been creepy I thought it was cool.
3. Again, yesterday when I was at the grocery store and picking up about half a dozen items the lady in front of me who maybe had 10 things asked if I wanted to go ahead of her (and she had two children to boot!). I graciously accepted the offer and was a little stunned about it.
4. Today, at the farmer's market, a lady who sells jam and salsa asked me if my water bottle was full and then gave me a bunch of ice from her cooler in my water bottle as well as a wet washcloth. So sweet.
These are just a few examples and I can easily think of more but I just wanted to say that I really like the "hospitality" culture here and hope that I can learn from it. I do think Chris and I are rather friendly folks overall but I have a tendency to be more reserved and reluctant to show small acts of kindness, friendliness or appreciation like some of these folks have shown me here. I hope to learn to get over my "inwardness" and be more like Jesus to all people and not just my friends.
Anyway, I want to write a longer post about all of our transitions but first off I wanted to give a tip of my hat, so to speak, to the kind of southern hospitality/friendliness that I've experienced. I guess growing up in Minnesota I always expected people to be more reserved and so as I've been here just a little while I have seen the way it can be different. I am blessed by little encounters with people who I barely know. For example:
1. When Chris and I went to a restaurant and were very hungry (hangry!) the waitress gave us a free garlic bread appetizer before our pizza came. She also chatted us up and tried to find out the radio station for us and encouraged us and told us we were going to be good parents as she noted my pregnancy.
2. Just yesterday I was walking in the horrid heat and a man pulled over asking if I wanted a ride. I declined since I was getting close to my destination but I although that could have been creepy I thought it was cool.
3. Again, yesterday when I was at the grocery store and picking up about half a dozen items the lady in front of me who maybe had 10 things asked if I wanted to go ahead of her (and she had two children to boot!). I graciously accepted the offer and was a little stunned about it.
4. Today, at the farmer's market, a lady who sells jam and salsa asked me if my water bottle was full and then gave me a bunch of ice from her cooler in my water bottle as well as a wet washcloth. So sweet.
These are just a few examples and I can easily think of more but I just wanted to say that I really like the "hospitality" culture here and hope that I can learn from it. I do think Chris and I are rather friendly folks overall but I have a tendency to be more reserved and reluctant to show small acts of kindness, friendliness or appreciation like some of these folks have shown me here. I hope to learn to get over my "inwardness" and be more like Jesus to all people and not just my friends.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Birthdays/The Mystery of the Flowers
Yesterday was my birthday. 31 times around the sun. Woah!
I wanted to write about a peculiar occurrence though -- not my birthday.
I decided I needed to get outside (a common need for me) and so I went to a little place called Riverside Park where there is an amphitheater and a playground and all that sort of good stuff. I went there to just be outside though and I usually go down this boat dock that leads to the river and a tunnel that empties into the Minnesota river. I stepped gingerly down the snowy/muddy cement (for real, I could have been sliding the whole way down if I had not been careful!).
As I got closer to the river I was stunned to find a gorgeous bouquet of flowers gracing the muddy banks. They weren't just supermarket flowers -- they were clearly arranged by a professional with blazes of orange, pink, white, red, yellow and light green mingled together. There were sunflowers, roses, carnations, lilies, etc. I picked them up gently and one of the small carnations rolled out. I set them back down and wondered at the prospect of these gorgeous flowers being here. Why would someone put them here? Was my husband hiding in the snowy tall grass? (Well, no, I knew that was impossible since he would have no way of knowing I'd be there and he didn't have a car). What could make someone abandon these glorious blooms to a muddy bank? I thought it over and although it was my birthday I felt certain in my heart these flowers weren't serendipitously waiting for me.
I thought of the time God prompted me to buy a rose for an older lady from my church I was going to help clean and pack things for her move -- I did -- and when I gave it to her she said, "Oh, thank you, it's my birthday!" However, this was not the same and I knew these were not my flowers. I wondered if they were some way of remembering a friend who had died (perhaps in the river?). I thought of my good friend Joi who passed on this last summer and it sent a chill through me. Could it be? I sat by the river on a rock watching the ice float by in the waters. It was so very strange. It just didn't make sense (or rather I didn't want it to because I wanted the flowers). So, even though I knew I shouldn't take the whole bouquet I reasoned to myself that I could just pick one. They weren't going to last forever anyway and I figured maybe they were kind of for me. I choose a vivid yellow sunflower wishing the gray skies gone. I held it in my hand admiringly and as I set my resolve I slowly climbed up the hill avoiding the mudslide.
As I climbed the bank I noticed a blue truck parked overlooking the river too and felt nervous that what I was doing was wrong and they might notice. However, as I trudged on Chris gave me a call and so I was distracted by answering it. A small young woman was sitting on the just on the outside edge of the drivers seat of her blue rusty truck and watching me. She had dark hair and a sullen look on her face. I set the sunflower on a picnic table as if to forfeit the prize as I talked to Chris and then when I was done with the call picked it up again and warily walked toward her and my car watching to see if I should ask her about the flowers. She watched me silently and then as I came closer she shut herself inside her car door. I couldn't help but feel that maybe she had put the flowers down there. If she had I was guilty and I knew it. If she hadn't maybe I was still guilty -- I don't know. Someone had apparently set them there for a reason but I thought I was above whatever that reason might be. Yes, it had just begun snowing and they'd be covered soon. Yet, even as I drove away with my rationalization I still felt guilt. I felt like maybe I had taken part of someone's memorial. So, even as I showed Chris the sunflower and put it in water I took it with in the car as we went out. I thought maybe I could return it. Well, I didn't. Perhaps it is too late but I dearly hope that young woman was only gawking at me slightly because a sunflower in mid March is unnatural and unexpected and not because I had taken something away from her.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
At the Back of the North Wind
I wrote this outside (it's actually warm enough now!) mere minutes ago:
Isn't it strange how you can feel so close to someone and yet also feel that there is a distance in understanding?
It is strange and it's also strange how my life is so topsy-turvy. It is changing rapidly and the funny thing is that I am aware of this and still I can scarcely really see all the changes. It's like I am sprinting through a park and I am conscious that the scenery and my relation to the landscape is fluctuating yet it is only by intuition of the feel of the ground and quick flashes of what's around me that I can take in.
"I'm on my way/I don't know where I'm going/I'm on my way/I'm taking my time but I don't know where..."
-from the song Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard by Simon and Garfunkel
Yes, and as much as I know it is necessary to plan and try to make things "work"; there is a part of me that just feels it is impossible and would rather be taken up by the wind.
Again, it reminds me of another piece of art: George MacDonald's novel "At the Back of the North Wind" which has a Great Lady character known as North Wind who blows the protagonist, a young boy named Diamond, to different places to teach him trust in her and about what life is. It's a truly remarkable story. It is one of my very favorites without doubt. I do need to trust you, God. Help me to trust your Great North Wind.
Isn't it strange how you can feel so close to someone and yet also feel that there is a distance in understanding?
It is strange and it's also strange how my life is so topsy-turvy. It is changing rapidly and the funny thing is that I am aware of this and still I can scarcely really see all the changes. It's like I am sprinting through a park and I am conscious that the scenery and my relation to the landscape is fluctuating yet it is only by intuition of the feel of the ground and quick flashes of what's around me that I can take in.
"I'm on my way/I don't know where I'm going/I'm on my way/I'm taking my time but I don't know where..."
-from the song Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard by Simon and Garfunkel
Yes, and as much as I know it is necessary to plan and try to make things "work"; there is a part of me that just feels it is impossible and would rather be taken up by the wind.
Again, it reminds me of another piece of art: George MacDonald's novel "At the Back of the North Wind" which has a Great Lady character known as North Wind who blows the protagonist, a young boy named Diamond, to different places to teach him trust in her and about what life is. It's a truly remarkable story. It is one of my very favorites without doubt. I do need to trust you, God. Help me to trust your Great North Wind.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Tomorrow and Then Some
Tomorrow is another day. It is...Joi O'Dell's would-have-been 29th birthday. Strangely, I had to look at the funeral program to confirm it is her birthday. I knew it was soon but she never wanted people to know when so it has been fuzzy to me. My grief has been accentuated as so many changes have been happening and I wept realizing that I would have liked to share them with her but, alas, she is not here. I would like to tell her about Chris' new job and hear her reaction about him working at NASA! She would be so proud of him too. She would be sad that we will have to move to Virginia but happy for us too. I would have liked to let her know I am pregnant and invited her to my baby shower. She would probably have made me something or buy something extra geeky. The party would be more goofy and brighter with her. In short, I miss her.
I miss her and I am looking toward the future but feeling a strong, strong pull to taste this present. I know...it will be good. I know...it is a blessing. Yet, I will miss so much that I am leaving. It's tearing at my heart.
I do think this time of "transition" in Mankato has been hard for me but it's also been a sort of waiting room too. It's been the in-between being far-away and yet being accessible to our dear friends and family. Once we move out of state we'll really have to say "see you later." Our saving grace will no longer be an hour and a half trip up 169. We'll really be on our own. God, go with us, please....meet us there in the lives and hearts of friends we haven't met. Weave into our unending tapestries that are already so breath-taking and make them even more rich and beloved.
I miss her and I am looking toward the future but feeling a strong, strong pull to taste this present. I know...it will be good. I know...it is a blessing. Yet, I will miss so much that I am leaving. It's tearing at my heart.
I do think this time of "transition" in Mankato has been hard for me but it's also been a sort of waiting room too. It's been the in-between being far-away and yet being accessible to our dear friends and family. Once we move out of state we'll really have to say "see you later." Our saving grace will no longer be an hour and a half trip up 169. We'll really be on our own. God, go with us, please....meet us there in the lives and hearts of friends we haven't met. Weave into our unending tapestries that are already so breath-taking and make them even more rich and beloved.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Mankater ain't so bad
Anyone who knows me knows that last year I undeniably struggled with being in Mankato. Chris and I went up to the Cities an average of every other week and we didn't feel at home here much (ahem, partly for that reason). We didn't get to know more than a few people even with trying to be intentionally involved in our church. It was kind of just the way things were.
It's taken almost a year (and in truth it has only been a full year since I've actually lived here because summer was taken in the Cities for me and in Cleveland for Chris doing his internship) to feel "home" -- and I still mean that in transient way. My home will always first and foremost be with the people I love (who are by and large in the Twin Cities) and I will always hold affection and admiration for my favorite city of them all -- Minneapolis -- yet I've come to peace with being here. While I was walking I mentally made a list of some things I am keen on about Mankater (Mankato).
1. People are really, truly unpretentious.
2. Some people who have lived here a long time are called "townies." Apparently, the most townies you can see are located at Wagon Wheel Cafe which is a throwback in itself. http://www.yelp.com/biz/wagon-wheel-cafe-mankato
3. It's quiet and I feel safe almost 100% of the time. I don't even worry if I leave my door unlocked by accident.
4. The hills make me feel like I get more of a workout even if I'm just walking. Also, they make the landscape more interesting and more beautiful.
5. There are some cool parks and walking trails around here: Sibley Park, Rasmussen Woods, Red Jacket Trail.
6. There is a really great college/local radio station which I can tune into and hear almost anything. I like it because it almost always surprises me and there are "real" people doing the programming. KMSU 89.7.
7. This exists: http://wowzonefec.com/ It is like a rebirth of childhood/adolescent birthday parties for adults (and their kids too if they have some). Pretty sweet.
I'm sure I can think of more but right now I'm going to stop at seven because it's a good number, ya'll. Mostly, I just wanted to explain that I appreciate Mankato and some reasons why.
It's taken almost a year (and in truth it has only been a full year since I've actually lived here because summer was taken in the Cities for me and in Cleveland for Chris doing his internship) to feel "home" -- and I still mean that in transient way. My home will always first and foremost be with the people I love (who are by and large in the Twin Cities) and I will always hold affection and admiration for my favorite city of them all -- Minneapolis -- yet I've come to peace with being here. While I was walking I mentally made a list of some things I am keen on about Mankater (Mankato).
1. People are really, truly unpretentious.
2. Some people who have lived here a long time are called "townies." Apparently, the most townies you can see are located at Wagon Wheel Cafe which is a throwback in itself. http://www.yelp.com/biz/wagon-wheel-cafe-mankato
3. It's quiet and I feel safe almost 100% of the time. I don't even worry if I leave my door unlocked by accident.
4. The hills make me feel like I get more of a workout even if I'm just walking. Also, they make the landscape more interesting and more beautiful.
5. There are some cool parks and walking trails around here: Sibley Park, Rasmussen Woods, Red Jacket Trail.
6. There is a really great college/local radio station which I can tune into and hear almost anything. I like it because it almost always surprises me and there are "real" people doing the programming. KMSU 89.7.
7. This exists: http://wowzonefec.com/ It is like a rebirth of childhood/adolescent birthday parties for adults (and their kids too if they have some). Pretty sweet.
I'm sure I can think of more but right now I'm going to stop at seven because it's a good number, ya'll. Mostly, I just wanted to explain that I appreciate Mankato and some reasons why.
Friday, January 24, 2014
What does it mean to follow Jesus?
Clearing my head as I took a walk today (good for the body and the soul) in the rather mild winter weather I had some "Jesus" existential questions circling around my spirit: what am I doing? What are my motives to what I do? Am I following Love/Jesus?
Some events in my life have forced me to look at the grander view of things. I see I am part of something immensely bigger than myself. Part of this is also the fault of reading "Jesus for President" by Shane Claiborne and Chris Haw. The last section is all about what the praxis (the practical life) side of being a Christian might look like and he suggests things like finding ways creative ways to use renewable resources, being pacifist, etc. So these questions did not come uninitiated. The truth is a lot of my life feels very superficial but there must be a deeper meaning behind what I'm doing or I am doing it in vain. I simple cannot afford to live my life in a trite way. I need to seek God with every bit of my being and that means that the questions: What am I doing and why? as well as Am I following Jesus with this? are meant to be asked over and over again.
Some events in my life have forced me to look at the grander view of things. I see I am part of something immensely bigger than myself. Part of this is also the fault of reading "Jesus for President" by Shane Claiborne and Chris Haw. The last section is all about what the praxis (the practical life) side of being a Christian might look like and he suggests things like finding ways creative ways to use renewable resources, being pacifist, etc. So these questions did not come uninitiated. The truth is a lot of my life feels very superficial but there must be a deeper meaning behind what I'm doing or I am doing it in vain. I simple cannot afford to live my life in a trite way. I need to seek God with every bit of my being and that means that the questions: What am I doing and why? as well as Am I following Jesus with this? are meant to be asked over and over again.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
"When Schools Don't Educate"
I am linking to a speech written by a man who received the Teacher of the Year award consecutive years from New York City and state. His speech is entitled "When Schools Don't Educate."
http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/john_gatto.html
I encourage all who care to think, who care about children, who care about people and society in general to read it. After reading it and also listening a while to a youtube video in which he was interviewed I have been reflecting on my own experience with the education system. I think of how I went straight from high school to a four year liberal arts college because I thought that was the way you just did it. I thought of how I was always a pretty good student -- A's and B's and never really struggled within the system except for my youngest years. I thought of how I never really felt free to explore my own interests and passions until after college (even though my private college experience was better than my public school K-12 experience). I thought of how even now I am discovering my aptitude at drawing and painting because I am doing it by my own free will and not being constricted by some set of rules. I don't think that structure is bad but I do think the kind of superficial structure that schools often are forced to use for their students is silly. Montessori itself is intensely structured but that structure has purpose for dignified development of each individual not just to "make runs smoothly" in an artificial sense.
I welcome anyone's thoughts on John Taylor Gatto's speech, Montessori education, public education and also education/learning in general. I want to have a discussion about this salient issue.
http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/john_gatto.html
I encourage all who care to think, who care about children, who care about people and society in general to read it. After reading it and also listening a while to a youtube video in which he was interviewed I have been reflecting on my own experience with the education system. I think of how I went straight from high school to a four year liberal arts college because I thought that was the way you just did it. I thought of how I was always a pretty good student -- A's and B's and never really struggled within the system except for my youngest years. I thought of how I never really felt free to explore my own interests and passions until after college (even though my private college experience was better than my public school K-12 experience). I thought of how even now I am discovering my aptitude at drawing and painting because I am doing it by my own free will and not being constricted by some set of rules. I don't think that structure is bad but I do think the kind of superficial structure that schools often are forced to use for their students is silly. Montessori itself is intensely structured but that structure has purpose for dignified development of each individual not just to "make runs smoothly" in an artificial sense.
I welcome anyone's thoughts on John Taylor Gatto's speech, Montessori education, public education and also education/learning in general. I want to have a discussion about this salient issue.
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